group therapy

...and the joys I just started tonight (after an intake like an hour before). was a lil shakey after the intake because anytime i try to talk about the system in person, we end up switching or dissociating at the least. She asked "Do you actually have a DID diagnosis (me nodding emphatically) or do you just say that but really have Dissociative episodes (shaking head)". As it turns out, supposedly i am the only DID in the group. We started feeling really odd in the intake when she was concerned about any alters attacking others and explaining that anger is fine - but anger at group members is strictly prohibited.... my face started having "ticks" in it and the room was going into black and white... always feel so strange like people are suggesting i am the incredible hulk or something and will turn monstrous and green and my clothes will rip and this beast will come out so i had to explain that we avoid anger and if it happens it is only inward, on the body, alone. Which, now that I think about it (as kiya and not 5 others) that's not entirely true... i do switch into rage when someone attacks me... but i suspect that will not be happening. I hope. And it's not like I'm going to start physically hurting anyone, unless they corner me and hurt me first.
Ironically, being in the group I felt quite "normal" lol. It always feels strangly good to find there are ppl worse off than me (i hope that doesn't sound bad) because sometimes i feel like such a freak. And seeing others cope less well than I do helps me realize I'm not doing so badly afterall. Granted, i have my moments... we all do... but I've still got my head up.
ANyway.... i'm glad i joined, i've already learned some things, and am glad (at this point) to go back next week. I do suppose that feeling might change if i get really triggery and switch in to scared young'uns. Ah, brain going in different directions.... thanks for reading =) umm... welcoming lovely responses

hooray KIYA !!!!!

very brave thing to do and you did it. seeing others does give you some perspective you lack just being solo.

i think this may be very helpful and it will not always be fun, but it sounds valuable to me. i almost wish i could be in something like this but am not for right now. not in any structured group just now.

go and learn and come here and process what you see and hear. i be it will be helpful to you. so many people act like if we have did our heds are gonna go spinning around in group. it gets kinda silly some times the ideas they get!

YOU GO GIRL!!!

((Kiya))

You have taken a really big step, IRL!!!!!

That is awesome news! I have the same experience, although I am not in a group. But T and I have been talking about me being with other people as the route to my healing. When I am with other people I can (usually) get lost in the group but when I isolate I often panic and completely LOSE myself. Believe it or not it's a big difference between getting lost in the group and being lost.

(((((((((((((((((((( Kiya )))))))))))))))))))))))))

My T talked ONCE about wanting me to go to a group for survivors of rape, and I FREAKED OUT and bascially told him never, EVER to mention it to me again.

But now, reading about your experience,I'm thinking.....maybe? Someday?

I think you are very brave. I hope the group is a really positive, healing experience for you. I am so proud of you for going!

That's awesome Kiya! I'm so glad it went well overall.

(((((((((((multipixies, Miss))))))))))) yes it is helpful to see this whole "lost" vs. "lost in a group" thing. When i isolate so much I feel more vunerable, unsteady, falling apart, losing it.... but to see that i actually took self care measures and functioned in public - i had to give myself pats on the back --then go tell my caseworker =) and she gave me verbal kudos too! Yes, I cried in my car after the intake... but i got up again and went to group. Yes, i overheard the leader say "My schedules' all messed up now because i didn't expect to do an intake today!!" and i switched and nearly left knowing that that was ME she was referring to to her co-facilitator, but i remembered that adults are responsible for their own actions and she didn't have to take the time. she told me i could come and set the apnt. and seemed to really want me there. and i stayed.

and i also realized what it is like (rather reminded) to be on the outside and overhear something -- so that when i am in school and make a comment to another teacher, i never know if there's a kid nearby who may take it personally and be greatly affected by my comment, even if it had nothing to do with that kid.

So those are some big steps. And i am working on acceptance -that I may not always be at this level of understanding, comprehension, or emotional control - and that is ok. I am where I am this day and that is all i can ask of myself.

Yay team!!!

((((((((((Earthmama, Wanttoheal)))))))))))

thanks... yeah it is taking all my reserves to get me to take steps forward... and i want to also. At least right now lol.
"But now, reading about your experience,I'm thinking.....maybe? Someday?"
Earth - yeah it took me something like 6 years to get to this point. When it is ready and the right time, it will just happen. I am glad I didn't join the other one I had a lot of misgivings about. It wasn't the right fit. I really like most the ppl in this group. Ok so there are 2 on my nerves - one relating directly to mom, and the other (the co-facilitator) I don't see the link there but i'm sure I will at some point.

The scariest thing was knowing that the facilitating T was watching me for signs and also because I told her we have a "runner" in our system wo started to panic with signing the contract about "no leaving the building" if you're in a bad place until you've checked in with a facilitator. It's one of our trade marks - making a run for it!! At one point, i heard sounds, and looked over my shoulder at the door - and T was quick to watch me. lol. I wasn't going anywhere - I just like to have sounds identified. Heh. Much to learn. The contract also said that this is every week - and we are to come back unless there is a real emergency - "and there will be times you don't want to come back" but come back anyway and talk to us about why you don't want to be there. very interesting.... Does this group come with a seat belt? I feel i might need one lol and a hard hat.

Im not sure how i would manage in a group if i was the only one with DID. I would feel like i was the odd one out. I suppose i have a big difficulty with people knowing me and knowing i have DID and its easier to do individual therapy. That said, i take my hat off to you for doing this. Its brave and seems like it could be very intresting

YEAH WTG....I am in a group and it has brought my healing so much further than even my T expected.Hope you healing goes well ther also. Don't be afarid of splitting in group. Just remember group is a safe place

kiya,

hearing you talk more about this group, it really sounds good. i like how they have protections in place to help keep things safe and that they require a few things from each member like coming and telling why you don't want to be there that night. they sound like good responsible people.

plus, i do enjoy the bits of humor you inject into what you write. i could almost see you look over your shoulder and then the T looking quickly to watch you. life can be funny even in group therapy.

you are being very brave and i do want to applaud that!!!

I was told there were others with dissociative disorders, but i was the only one DID with alters. I think really one gal will probably start showing signs... she seems to be in that boat...

((((((((Kiya))))))))

I'm so very proud of you for going to group!!
That takes alot of bravery, I'm glad they are so concerned with the saftey of those in the group.
I hope this helps you

Mucho Hugs for you
Silver

hmmm.... it is so on automatic pilot you know? I stay in sort of a shell so that i am "one" persona that is the "public" persona. Like with T or my other drs i switch more now that i am dropping the public persona with them and being more open. But in the case of group when we really get into stuff.... I have no idea what will happen. I guess, really i did switch - but no one knew it because we weren't allowing that alter to talk (all angry stuff) so then we switched again into a more younger sulky persona. But, it happens all the time, so it isn't like i keep track lol. It is like the tap water from the faucet - sometimes the stream changes you know?? strong to weak and back. many to one and back.

I too am glad of the protections... I know the rest of the system is not. They are used to caring for self and not letting others close. I think that should that arise, it will be good for them. I've noticed that I have been getting a sore throat and losing my voice today... we talked about how needs and hurts develop often as psychosomatic symptoms... perhaps because I did not speak up about how i felt with one person usurping the entire group conversation....