Integration?

I have this part of me that's not really so much a personality but more of a feeling state. I'm not sure of her age but she's very young and very scared and every time she comes out all she does (it never changes) is call out "mommy, mommy" and I get this terrible urge to ram my head against the wall or am actually doing it in my mind or remembering it, I'm not sure which. It's really unsettling and disorienting but it's bearable because it usually lasts a very short time.
About a month ago it happened again and this time it wouldn't stop. The horrible feeling seemed to go on forever and was much stronger. All of a sudden this other voice in my head said "Don't worry, don't worry, Dr ---- is with you, don't worry" over and over and then it stopped and I wasn't scared anymore and the little girl disappeared. A couple weeks ago it happened again and this time in my head the little girl was put into my doctor's arms and again all was okay. It hasn't happened since and I'm wondering if she's gone, if this could have "cured" me in some way. Is that possible? If so, why am I not that happy she's gone?

kessa,

i don't know if i can tell you what you really want or need to know. the human mind is complex and when it needs to defend itself it can do some incredible things.

it may be that you have somehow "worked out" something in your memory in a way that relieves the terrible feelings and urgent push to hurt yourself. this remembrance of you as a little girl may have gotten the sense of rescue she needed.

i think you may not feel relieved because you still have some questions and probably more need for healing. inigmas are unsettling!

i have d.i.d. and my response to your question is just my best guess, i have no "credentials" medically, i just know the feeling of more questions than answers and how unsettling it feels when i can't find all the pieces to the jigsaw puzzle that is my past. i hope you can find the answers and healing you need.

I understand so much what you're saying...

Your "feeling state" is much what I refer to here as "PTSD capsules"...much more developed than a memory, but not a fully-formed part either. This PTSD capsule is also, in appearance, a "one-time-user"...mostly just holding a very specific memory, time, and the feelings and knowledge that goes with it.

I also understand the unsettled feeling when thinking they're "gone". Remember, alot of times we find comfort in routine, sameness, even though it might not always be a "feel-good". It can throw us off-kilter and out of balance when our structure is changed.

All that said, do you sense her as being GONE gone, as in seemingly disappeared...or are you fully aware of everything she held, but it's just not separate, scary, disabling as when she carried it alone then popped out with it?

Parts blending can be very subtle, especially the smaller parts. It could be that she's no longer completely separate and all she is is now a part of the whole...the memories, the feelings, etc...but because they're part of the whole (more knowledge, awareness, skills, etc.) the affects and separateness are not as apparent and consuming?

KD

Thanks Multipixie and Kimmydawn. Sorry it took so long to reply I've been sick. To answer your question Kimmydawn, it seems like she's just gone. I don't have an understanding of what she is about or what the memory is. I'm not sure if I ever will know because it seems like she's probably too young to make sense of anything or understand what even happened.
I was thinking about why I'm sad if she's really gone. As weird as it sounds, every time it happened, as bad as it was, it brought with it a feeling of longing and hope for connection. In that state I am completely vulnerable and open to someone taking care of me/her and making everything better. It becomes a possibility. But since I gave her the comfort of my doctor in my mind maybe that's all she needed so she left. But letting it happen in my mind isn't REAL so I feel like I lost that possibility of a real life connection with a real live person. Sorry if that's confusing.

(((((((((((((((((Kessa))))))))))))))) It's hard for me to understand because I don't know that I have enough awareness tonight to have knowledge of that. I do know that I have some parts that I hear when triggered that chant certain phrases over and over again. When it happens, it feels like my whole brain is immersed in their misery and scared feelings. It sounds like you were able to do some really good self care to be able to allow that part of you some comfort.

What KD says makes so much sense. I'm learning so much through everyone here. I do think I've had some blending but I don't know parts of myself enough to know if it was what KD is talking about.