our heart is so heavy.............

But Bead isn't bad, Bead is wonderful! Bad things happened to Bead but they weren't her fault. Bead feels bad because of the bad things. Anyone would feel bad about these things. This is normal.......

we is so glad you is with us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
we is so scared to trust even T with any of the secrets sumfin bad mite happen........no it cant it wont no more its over we gotsa keep tell her this all over but like then therecant seem get along with others.very confused rite now we is juts breathing rite now concentraet on our breaths trying so hard to get stable adn pull us up by bootstraps and the rest just screaming want them shut up also please forgive us for not making any sense we are trying
glad u here
bead

Dearest Bead, I am sorry that inside there is a battle. I have heard many wise folks say here that you have to listen to everyone inside so that they feel that they are heard..........

yes sannah we knows that this is true and mqybe that is what is also causingpart of the battle........bead does not want to know what the others remember that her dont adn a few weeks ago T telled someone that they HAVE to no want no want anyone outside or inside know cant tell anyway
we is at least all in agreement about THAT

I have heard that it is best to get everyone to cooperate. Sounds like you have a good therapist!

((((((((((( bead and all ))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((abbi and crys))))))))))))))))))))))))

thanks so much for all of your comforting words..............
you are obviously farther along on this path toward heaqling then bead is, and we appreciate and need to hear all of the things you has telleds us! keep up the wonderful
posts............quite an inspiration to others beside bead also we are sure!
and if you ever need any help, bead here for you too!

sneding warm fuzies, peaceful thoughts, and an extra dose of hope your way,

bead

bead

dearest sannah,
you are always here for bead, with words of comfort, support and hope
what a blessing you are!
thanks so much for all of your kindness,

bead

sending warm fuzzies and peaceful thoughts your way if you want them

(((((((((((((((((((((daynnight)))))))))))))))))))))))

thanks so much for the hugs and for your support!
you here for bead when the chips are down, and we is so appreciative!

sending safe hugs and good thoughts right back to ya if you want them,

bead

hopin you are well an survivin the holiday season...we are not doin so great right now, but know that things WILL get bettr...hopin all the beads in the group are looked after, comforted and cherished this weekend...have a wonderful New Year...hope to see you soon here or in chat...abbi

(((((((((((((Bead))))))))))))) Hope you are hanging in there okay. Thinking of you.

((((((wanttoheal))))))))

ty...definitely just puttering and
muddling today afraid

myself

MANDYxx

(((((((((((((((((( bead ))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((((((bead))))))))))))))))))))))) I am here with you. I am sorry things are so hard.

BB

Mary,

I am so sorry you are going through all these horrible feelings along with the internal battle that exists. It seems that this time of year tends to bring out more intense feelings than any other time of year. Probably because long ago when the trauma's were occuring, this time of year always stood out & had something more difficult to deal with than all the other times of year.

I know that for me, all the struggles & trauma, seemed to occur in my life between November & January, & what I have gone through is nothing compaired to the trauma's & abuses that you have gone through. I can understand how horrible this struggle must be for you.

Your one therapist was right in how strong you truely are to have survived the abuse that you have gone through. It takes a strength to survive traumas, but in surviving them, the techniques that we used to survive are what we have to struggle with later on in life. I know how horrible it is to be in the middle of something horrible & not be able to say anything, or do anything to stop it, let alone have anyone believe what you are saying (if you are able to even say anything) about what is going on......then to be accused of being the bad person just so they can cover up the bad they are doing. I have experienced these feelings just a few years ago as an adult with an adults point of view & better knowledge or who is right or wrong. Knowing how badly this effected me mentally & physically, I can understand how it would effect a child growing up & having it continue over an extended period of time. I am sure that sometimes there is the wish that we hadn't survived it, but I always look at it as being God's wish that I live through the trauma because somewhere farther along in my life there will be a purpose for my survival.....that purpose might just be to help someone else & see something important because of what I have gone through that will help someone else be able to excape or avoid being in the middle of a similar trauma. I know for me, there is always good that comes out of bad things that happen in my life. Sometimes I don't get a chance to see what that good is....other times, it becomes obvious.

Sorting through what is going on internally to be able to get to that point is difficult & a long road to walk......I know my feeling was that of being in the middle of a hurricane or tornado. Where I am picked up in the whirling wind with all the other flying objects picked up also.....it seemed that every time I thought I was getting it, I would be whacked by some other flying object & flung into the whriling wind again.

There are times when life still feels that way, but over this last year, I have been able to sort through a lot of my life & see things that I hadn't seen before & I can only give God the thanks for this.

I am sorry I didn't see your post earlier to respond but I have been away from here mostly over the last few months. Life has been a bit difficult here with so many things to take care of now that I am completely alone. Just handling the dogs in the winter weather is a challenge along with other problems that continually seem to surround me on a daily basis.....but none are too great for me to handle & life is really good in the overall picture.

I hope that you will be able to find the trust you need to have in your T, that your T is not knowing these things to hurt you, or to look at you as less of a person or even as being a bad person. I have learned over the years (55 for another month) that evil people like to make us look like the bad ones & lift themselves up to look like saints......but we have to focus on the REALITY of the situation & the identify the bad that is really being done to us & that we have done absolutely NOTHING bad in REALITY. Your T getting to see these things will be helping in pointing out the reality of the situation you survived & pointing out what you mentally had to do to survive the trauma you were forced to live through. This shows up only the victim status you were living with for so many years, & being a victim has nothing to do with being a BAD person yourself.

I hope that some of this makes sense & might help a bit. I know that I do not understand DID very well but some logical thinking is valid no matter what mental illness we are dealing with. Problem is that mental illnesses usually prevent us from that logical thinking that we desperately need to get better....that is where the guidance from the T comes in.

I hope you are doing better as it's been some time since you posted this thread. Know that I have been thinking about you even though I haven't been here to post.

Take care & know that I care,

Debbie

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{[Debbie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

ty muhc for your post..so glad to hear from you bead had been wondering
how y are........u unnerstands good an it helps

beads

Jewel of Eagles,
We are so sorry we didn't reply faster. We do remember you. We are so sorry you are not doing well, please know we are thinking of you. ThaCrew

"All the problems we encounter in the moment become smaller if you don't dodge them, but confront them. Touch a thistle timidly and it pricks you; grasp it boldly, and its spines crumble." William S. Halsey

((((((((((((((((( bead ))))))))))))))))))

Dear fuzzy goodest bear.................

sorry it has ben solong to answer your post, but we have not had internet assecc. Had two trips to hospital in last month, onec ofr hysterectomy and then two weeks in psyche unit.......allso ended up homeless during this time period. too much on our plate. on the upside we do have a place to live now an internet hook up so we can talk here again. hope your doing well and to talk to you soon........
sending safe hug and warm fuzzies maybe some hot choclate your way..........

marsidotz of beads

Bead, you have had quite a month! It seems like you have pulled through quite well?

They always say, "when it rains, it pours". Seems like when one thing happens everything else piles on top of it. I have been wondering how you have been doing.....thinking of you while I was finishing up my beading project for my friends Christmas gift (I never finish anything before Christmas....was almost 1 month later when I got it finished).

Being homeless during this wintertime in Michigan in the snow.....NOT A GOOD THING....not a good thing anytime....but especially not in the winter. Hope you had a friend to stay with until you found your new place to settle into.

Hopefully now you are through your rough times & hospital stays, you can settle down a bit & get back into some relaxing beading projects.....get your mind off the lousy things that go on in life & get lost in the beauty of design & creativity....sometimes that is the only thing that keeps my sanity......will have to sent you a picture of the necklace, bracelet & earings I made....using ruby & black diamond & AB swarzski crystals.....one of my better designs...took me forever to work out the details & get it just right.....think that is how I can loose myself in my beading projects.

Sending you some warm soup & hot cocoa & lots of my special pumpkin, oatmeal, cranberry cookies to get your energy back.

Been worried about how you have been doing & sad to hear it's been such a rough time.....though that & now, onto a better year to come.


Debbie

glad you have a place to live in AND access to the internet! i was wondering where you were. that sure sounds like a whole lot of stuff on the plate. glad it's ok now though.

Hi,

I'm new here, but I want to say that I can really feel for you. I had such a terrible flashback several days ago and I'm struggling a lot right now to overcome it. It was like pouring salt on a wound. I can't forget a lot of the events of the past and it has gotten worse since I have grown into my mid-thirties. I guess the best thing is to have a good support system. Sometimes this is hard to find, though. I guess it's also good to know that there are other people out in the world who are going through similar struggles--people you can relate to, like on this forum. Take care.

--Sunnye

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((beadlady)))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry about the situation you find yourself in. I am happy that you have found a place to stay and can also stay connected with us. Know I am thinking about you.

BB