Trigger icon placed for mention of sexual activity.

I know the difference between something forgotten, and something completely blocked out/and or a total loss of time. I am sick of people telling me, "Oh people forget things, especially things that happened a long time ago... don't stress about it."

Well, last night I found out something else that adds to my lengthening list of things that I have absolutely NO recollection of.

Ten years ago, I met a guy. We worked together. I was attracted to him. I remember hanging out with him one time, and mildly fooling around with him in my car. We have remained friends to this day.

Last night, somehow the conversation turned to what our relationship was ten years ago. My friend is a very honest and caring man. He eluded to something happening between us that was way beyond what I thought happened. After some coaxing (he was afraid that if he went into detail, it would upset me) I finally got him to tell me details, as this would help give me a greater understanding of myself in terms of lost time.

It turns out that there were way more times than just that one time in which we had some type of sexual interaction (although we never had sex). Apparently there was one time when it came VERY close. This is not something I would normally forget. He told me that I came over quite a few times. I don't remember this. During the whole time we talked, nothing even triggered a vague memory of these things. I know he wouldn't lie to me. And this is NOT, by any means, the first time I have found out about something I did that I have no recollection of.

The same year that I had these encounters with him, was a pretty traumatic year for me in that I first got sick with severe panic disorder and depression (I was 18), and I had began to self-injure. I was also in the psych hospital that year.

I am so scared of what my mind is capable of doing. Now I know it is true. I had convinced myself that somehow I was faking. But even to this day, I lose entire therapy sessions, class lectures, etc.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for in regards to posting this. I am afraid of what else happened that I lost.

I have no idea why I would block out an experience with this particular person, as I had feelings for him, and found him very attractive. I remember wanting to be with him when we were coworkers. Obviously we had a bond, as our friendship has extended to ten years. I'm wondering what this was about-- was it because of the turmoil of what was going on at the time?

Ugh.

[pegasus]

(((((((( pinksoil ))))))))

I know it can feel 'ugh!' finding this out but you can also view it as progress in realising that you do dissociate. In my opinion, if you learnt to 'go away' as a child then this would have carried on in any other similar experiences. A reminder of a yucky experience as a child comes up, the brain will naturally do what it knows in order to protect you.

Now that you know about this you can work some more on it with your therapist.

Take care.

[Kiya]

=( dunno what to say other than i am out here, "listening"

[multipixie9]

trigger: refers to sexual abuse incident

hi pink,

i relate to what you are saying except in the negative way. i had an incident when i was around 9 or 10. my 2 older brothers and i were visiting my grandmother and playing with two 15 year old twins. one of them separated me from my brothers who stayed with the other twin. i had a memory that stopped short of what really happened and i was dissociated and said that the story was he got me somewhere and attempted to play strip poker with me and that we quit when i wouldn't strip. the true story of what happend that day did not show up for around 40 years.

my mind dissociated, altered storylines and events and did whatever i had to in order to survive extremes of abuse for long periods of time. i had a great deal of amnesia. i'm still kind of freaked out that i have one "relatively believeable set of childhood memories" that actually leave out enormous amounts of my actual life history.

you said that this year was traumatic for you in other, significant ways - it may be you lost what ordinarily you would value in the midst of other things too painful to retain - sometimes the good gets lost with the bad! sadly, the dissociative behaviors that helped us so much were NOT totally beneficial !!!!! hang in there, you're doing well!

leslie and pixies

Originally Posted by multipixie9

you said that this year was traumatic for you in other, significant ways - it may be you lost what ordinarily you would value in the midst of other things too painful to retain - sometimes the good gets lost with the bad! sadly, the dissociative behaviors that helped us so much were NOT totally beneficial !!!!! hang in there, you're doing well!

leslie and pixies

Thank you so much for this.

I wrote T a long email explaining what happened-- or at least what I was told happened since I don't remember it. He said that we have a lot to talk about on Tuesday and to make a timeline with the gaps of memory in it.

[beadlady29-old]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((pinksoil))))))))))))))))))))))))

while we may not have a lot of answers,

bead here,

her lissens,

her cares!

bead