Distant

Everything has been getting really hazy lately for me. It had been hazy before, but it feels like I'm just slipping in and out of focus of a really unclear dream. I can't even feel much any more. Before, I used to cut myself in order to feel something--anything. I stopped for a while because I was so caught up in pretending to fit in and pretend to be "normal." However, it's gotten worse. I've tried cutting myself again, but it doesn't work anymore. I'm scared. I can't even feel the pain anymore. Nothing feels real. I have so much homework, tests, applications, and work to do, but I haven't done most of them! I just go through the bare motions of functioning normally, but in actuality I... I don't know what to do. I have a 3.792 GPA, but I just got a 54 on my Calculus midterm and a 74 on my Biology midterm. I got a B+ in Chemistry, but I..I! I haven't studied Biology at all. I have two lab reports due next week, and the week immediately after I have applications due...I need to focus, but I keep... My memory is getting worse. Someone can tell me something a moment ago, and I will forget. I forget important things, and I get scolded even more for forgetting. Then I end up forgetting something ELSE immediately after that. What is wrong with me? It feels like whatever I'm saying or doing isn't me but some distant person in the dream.

I really don't have any friends, and as for my parents... I talk to them sometimes, but they do not understand what I am feeling right now. I cannot know when they are in a good mood or when they are in a bad mood. I hate group events, especially family gatherings. Whenever my family and I go out to travel, my parents will always get into an argument without fail. I can't talk to them about what I'm going through, and if I did they would laugh or mock me like they did when they found out I cut myself. My mom put on an act of pity at first, but in actuality she was really angry at me. Her anger came out by accident when she was angry at me for some other thing. She mocked me, yelling when I was attempting to hold back tears and hiding it in anger. She was saying to my dad in a very condescending and angry tone of voice: "She's probably feeling like we're being wrong to her. That's why she's was cutting herself!" I can't talk to them, but I don't have anyone else I can talk to. I'm afraid of losing those people that I do interact with... What can I do??

Sounds like depression is high right now for you. Can you go to your school counselor and talk to them about seeing someone? Would your parents be open for you to go to a Dr to get on some antidepressants? Also, you might try the depression forum to get better support in that area (you are welcome here as well). Take good care.

you sound very smart...i wish i could have pulled those grades without studing in college....i think u got too much on ur plate right now i get the same way u do when i got alot going on..can u possible take out a few things. I dont suggest talking to ur folks my folks r the same and will just laugh or something selfish like that. I have started writing a book on my life and also a journal to help me with my problems...also i find alot of relief in exercising, i hate doing it, but after i feel great!!! Amber

Thank you wanttoheal...

I've really considered it, but I'm not sure what talking about it will do for me. I also don't know whether they'll let me. If I talk to them about finding one, they will probably be asking me to tell THEM about my troubles (for them to laugh or ridicule later) and asking what in the world they did wrong. After which my mother would probably go hysterical and my dad would be commenting on how much of a horrible person I am. lol My parents are somewhat overprotective, but they are only so because they have things that they want me to be. I'm thinking of secretly using the counseling services on campus, but I am really really afraid that my parents or someone I know will find out... I really do need to do something about it, but how much will counseling help?

Thank you everyone.

Saphael,

Counseling is confidential - they should not be able to learn about it unless you tell them, which doesn't sound good for you. Do what you can to get some help; you really sound like you need it very badly. You may be the only one who can get you the help you need.

If you need to you may need to do whatever you can to free up your time some until you feel better. Do your best to not let your parents get to you, it's sad you need that kind of advice but sometimes people are not supportive and you need to protect yourself from them.

Hugs,

Leslie and the pixies