[Poohbear13]

I am feeling really bad. saturday afternoon i layed down for a nap and was surprised that i was having homicidal thoughts. two of my parts had come out and were having the homicidal thoughts. I really got scared and called my t. she told me to just hold on until tuesday when we could deal with all the parts that are anrgy and full of energy. i was a bit disappointed in her response but thankful she didn't tell me to go to the hospital. i can't figure out what to do about the thoughts. i have allowed the two parts to come up and do some painting. i know there is a difference between thoughts and actually doing something about your thoughts. i have been so scared and terrified that i have isolated myself all day yesterday because i was afraid that one of them would come out and actually act on the thoughts.

it worries me because i don't know where all this is coming from. they just come up from no where. i haven't changed medications, i haven't started anything new. the only thing that has changed was my brother is in town and i heard my mother's voice on the phone for the first time in over a year (i don't talk with my mother because she is a toxic person in my life).

i feel dirty, sick, and paranoid because i am afraid that one of the parts will act upon the thoughts. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to be hurt.

i did manage to go to work today. now that i am home the thoughts have come back. i just have to hold on until tomorrow morning to see what my ts are going to do about this whole thing. i am still scared!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Elysium]

(((((Pooh Bear)))))

Lots of hugs for you if you would like them!!

Homicidal thoughts can be VERY scary. I am no mental health professional, but I would say that with your brother being in town, and hearing your mother's voice could very well be triggers for you. I have found some of the simplest things can trigger me and I will sit and ponder about them just going "What the hell?"

I think allowing these parts to do some painting is a good idea. It helps them to get some of their feelings out and relieves the stress and pressure. Even though some of their paintings may seems scary, embrace them.

The fact that you are able to stand and know in your heart that you do not want to act on these feelings is good! Many people have homicidal thoughts.

One thing I learned in my treatment is that anger is often a secondary emotion...meaning it rides in on the backs of other emotions such as fear, pain, disgust, etc. It kind of takes over so you don't have to feel the others.. like protection.

Well...I'm here for you if you need to talk. We're all here for you!!
Keep on keepin' on. Tomorrow is coming!!

(((Poohbear)))

That must be a very scary feeling. You did a good thing by letting these parts paint. Maybe you'll discover what fuels their rage and that knowledge will make them more calm and in control and, you, less fearful of them. I'll be thinking of you.

i'm new here but am waiting for a moderator to approve my first posts...argh! Anyway, i just wanted you to know i see you and i hear you. It seems to me that your brother and mother's appearances in your life are not "just" happenstance. Only you can know, however, what's up.

i'm sorry you're suffering through these strong feelings and uncertainty but hope that your inner strength prevails. i rather think you will endure. Much peace and goodness to you and yours.

[Kiya]

Pooh... you're right - your *choices* are what make the difference, not the thoughts. Those are scary to experience, I have been through that too (with my mom also) and I did the same - isolated myself from her, told me t, and let the parts paint. We came though ok.
You've done well.
(((((((hugs)))))))

[Jewels]

Pooh

[Poohbear13]

i made it to therapy today. i did some really hard work with one of my ts. one part has agreed to stop giving me the thoughts, the other went inside and hid. i am not sure where he went or what he is doing. this has me a little concerned. but today is a much better day after therapy. but boy am I exhausted. i didn't sleep much last night because i was so nervous about today and the thoughts continued last night.

thanks for your support and thoughts. i will keep you posted as to what happens later this week when i go back to therapy.

This is just a thought, but can you "talk" to the part that hid and just let him know you're doing your best to understand, that you know it must be hard for him sometimes and that his feelings matter? It's just an idea--i don't know what kind of relationship you have.

Keep up the good work! It seems to me that you're very strong.

[Poohbear13]

Originally Posted by MeSo

This is just a thought, but can you "talk" to the part that hid and just let him know you're doing your best to understand, that you know it must be hard for him sometimes and that his feelings matter? It's just an idea--i don't know what kind of relationship you have.

Keep up the good work! It seems to me that you're very strong.

I am scared of him. REALLY scared of him. I don't understand him and I don't reallly want to. All he is after is power and control over me and I don't want that (but he is winning the battle). I am trying not to talk with him or find him until I meet with my t again tomorrow or next tuesday. I don't want anything to happen to me. He is an abuser part and I don't want to get hurt.

Fair enough. You know what you can and can't do and what you need to do to protect yourself. Maybe with your therapist's help you can learn more or maybe you just need help to envision whatever it takes to make you safest. i hope my thoughts didn't scare you more...sometimes it's good to verify your feelings though too. Please hang in there. i hope you feel better soon.