[amuseable]

I feel a bit ashamed to be telling my situation somehow. I am a 50 yr old woman & although I have an adult daughter I have had almost no relationships with men until a man came into my life last year. (That tells you right away that there must be something wrong with me I guess.) I have loved a few men but noone ever loved me back as far as I can tell. Anyway, I truly believed that this man loved me. Maybe he thought he did. I initially broke up with him 2 months ago because I couldn't take his endless complaining about me not giving him enough sex. I felt I was doing my best & then some. I come from a background of violent sexual abuse, rapes, & he knew this coming into the relationship. Initially he was supportive of me. I was having sex with him & I thought I was doing great all things considered. I think I knew early on though that it wasn't going to work out. A few months after we started dating he started telling me that if I didn't give him more sex, more frequently, he would have to get it elsewhere. He also told me I was too loud during sex. That happened only once & thereafter I was quieter. I was very hurt about both things though & it just killed my desire to have sex with him. I kept on doing my best though. It became very disturbing for me to do certain sex acts with him but I did although sometimes I did say no. Sometimes we'd be having sex & I would have to just stop because I was having what felt like a panic attack. Usually he took this very well short-term but clearly he was not happy long-term. He did say the sex was good for him when we had it though. During all those months he seemed to genuinely care about me & otherwise we had a lot of fun together & were good friends. When I first broke up with him I felt relief but now I miss all the other great things, like the non-sexual cuddling & the friendship. I feel heartbroken. Everytime I run into him it kills me. He already has a new love interest, of course, & clearly has moved on. I feel pathetic that I am still missing the good parts of our past relationship. I feel it is pretty unlikely that I will find someone else. True, I am not really in any hurry to either at this point. I have a few friends & a therapist who tell me I am an okay-looking woman & my ex-boyfriend used to tell me I was the nicest person he had ever met, personality-wise. As time goes on though I seem to be getting more, not less, depressed about the whole thing. The sadness almost hurts physically sometimes. I think the situation has just triggered a lot of the old internal tapes I've struggled with much of my life... that tell me I am a piece of **** & unlovable. Somehow I thought I was beyond that...

[lynn P.]

Hi,
I understand how you miss certain parts of that relationship, but if you both were having conflicts about sex, then it's better you're not together. You would have continued to feel pressure about sex and with your background it would then be magnified. Are you in therapy for your past sex abuse? He shouln't have pushed you to do things you weren't comfortable with. You're not unlovable you just need to heal from this and the past. Keep busy and be content and love yourself.

[Catherine2]

Originally Posted by amuseable

I feel a bit ashamed to be telling my situation somehow. I am a 50 yr old woman & although I have an adult daughter I have had almost no relationships with men until a man came into my life last year. (That tells you right away that there must be something wrong with me I guess.)

amuseable, don't be so hard on yourself...
There is no shame in sharing about your heartache.
No it doesn't tell me that there must be something wrong with you re not having many relationships over the years.
I agree with lynnP about working with a T to help you resolve issues with your abuse history, and its' affects on you.

I have loved a few men but noone ever loved me back as far as I can tell. Anyway, I truly believed that this man loved me. Maybe he thought he did. I initially broke up with him 2 months ago because I couldn't take his endless complaining about me not giving him enough sex. I felt I was doing my best & then some. I come from a background of violent sexual abuse, rapes, & he knew this coming into the relationship. Initially he was supportive of me.

Endlessly complaining about not "giving" him enough sex is suggestive to me that his love was conditional. He knew going into your relationship about your history...
If his support waned because he couldn't have sex whenever and however he wanted, then I truly think he may have believed he was going to be your healer, for lack of a better word...akin to thinking he was going to solve all your problems if you gave him enough sex.

I was having sex with him & I thought I was doing great all things considered. I think I knew early on though that it wasn't going to work out. A few months after we started dating he started telling me that if I didn't give him more sex, more frequently, he would have to get it elsewhere. He also told me I was too loud during sex. That happened only once & thereafter I was quieter. I was very hurt about both things though & it just killed my desire to have sex with him.

Demanding rectal orifice wasn't he?! Control freak also comes to mind...
I can understand your hurt and the humiliation you felt.
It Is Reflection On Him And Not On You.

I kept on doing my best though. It became very disturbing for me to do certain sex acts with him but I did although sometimes I did say no. Sometimes we'd be having sex & I would have to just stop because I was having what felt like a panic attack. Usually he took this very well short-term but clearly he was not happy long-term. He did say the sex was good for him when we had it though.
I'm glad you were able to say no to him at times.
During all those months he seemed to genuinely care about me & otherwise we had a lot of fun together & were good friends. When I first broke up with him I felt relief but now I miss all the other great things, like the non-sexual cuddling & the friendship. I feel heartbroken.

amuseable, you said you felt relief. Trust your instinct on this one...you broke up with him for good reason.
Grieving about the good things in the relationship is normal. Jmo, but I hear the loneliness in your words. Please give it time. Everyone of us needs caring hugs and genuine affection.
As you work on building your self esteem, it's my hope that you come to understand you don't have to put out--sorry for the crudeness of that--in order to be accepted and appreciated by men.
Everytime I run into him it kills me. He already has a new love interest, of course, & clearly has moved on. I feel pathetic that I am still missing the good parts of our past relationship.
You are grieving, you are not pathetic.
You stated there were some good things about the relationship, you miss them...but I don't think you miss his demands and impatience, do you?
I feel it is pretty unlikely that I will find someone else. True, I am not really in any hurry to either at this point. I have a few friends & a therapist who tell me I am an okay-looking woman & my ex-boyfriend used to tell me I was the nicest person he had ever met, personality-wise.
Give yourself time, please. Loneliness is a painful thing; being in a destructive relationship even more so.
Please don't let other people define your physical appearance...make peace with the reflection in the mirror.
Personality, a loving spirit and kind heart, then physical appearance make us who we are...
As time goes on though I seem to be getting more, not less, depressed about the whole thing. The sadness almost hurts physically sometimes.
If you are not in therapy, please consider it.
Part of it may be that you are at a point in your life where you are aware that it's going to be different than you hoped it would be...finding the good and building on it can give you peace. You've got the courage, perhaps you can use it to make any changes.
I think the situation has just triggered a lot of the old internal tapes I've struggled with much of my life... that tell me I am a piece of **** & unlovable.
GIGO==GarbageInGarbageOut
This was one of the hardest things I learned to do, and it was also the absolutes best. Sometimes it's easy for me to recognize it's old and damaging garbage; other times I don't see it until I'm in trouble.
You are already aware of it, and that is hard won knowledge.
Somehow I thought I was beyond that...
You are beyond it in many ways, amuseable. When we are going through a rough time is when it will grab us and try and take us down...and it may momentarily.
If nothing else, we have learned how to get back up.

Don't beat yourself up for doing what you know in your heart was best for it. Sometimes what is the right thing to do is not the easiest, I know.
You are a worthwhile and beautiful human being, deserving of respect and courtesy, so please don't settle for anything less.

Catherine

[amuseable]

Originally Posted by Catherine2

Don't beat yourself up for doing what you know in your heart was best for it. Sometimes what is the right thing to do is not the easiest, I know.
You are a worthwhile and beautiful human being, deserving of respect and courtesy, so please don't settle for anything less.

Catherine

Thank you Catherine!!!!!!!!