[TUMIgirl]

So my seperated husband and i spent fri, sat and sun together. He did not sleep over, came over in the am and left at night to his friends place where he is staying. He spent the weekend with my daughter and i because work has taken him away from us this week. Work should last 3 wks with him making it home on the weekends. He says he had a great weekend and had fun with us. Since we are no longer together (3 mths now) it is important we get along because after all we are and will awlays be a family. He is so right, I need to accept us this way but sometimes its too much. I love him after all. We did have a good weekend and we talked. Not too happy with what i heard but knew it was true and him saying so makes me have to accept it. I hate that it's not till now, being seperated we are getting along better as he points out. How do i cope? I dont want to ruin things but i hate this blissfull happy thing we are doing because I love him so much. ggggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[Pomegranate]

Just my experience but I would strongly suggest that you go see a therapist, and perhaps eventually bring in your husband and child for therapy also. What you and he are doing is very good for your child. But it is VERY HARD on YOU. You need a professional to vent the anger you are feeling and to encourage you in continuing to do the best thing for your child and yourself. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[lynn P.]

Hi TUMIgirl,
I understand how you feel but it should get better in time. It's best to keep it peaceful like this, since you share a child together. I also use the famous example Demi Moore and Bruce Willis who have remained good friends even though both are re-married. I'm also in a similar position except we are still living, not sleeping together for financial reasons - it's a long story. Luckily we're not at each others throat and are civil. To keep my sanity, I look at it, as we're in the 'business of raising children together" - I still care for him as the father of my children therefore I can still be pleasant. You still love him, but how about you love him as a friend and not as a husband. I know you're probably not there yet since I've had 3 1/2yrs to work mine out mentally. I agree with Pomegranate that counselling would help you deal with your feelings. I applaud you both for reamaining civil and your daughter will be the real winner in this. This will also save you both years of bitter resentment that many exes carry around for lifetimes.

[shezbut]

(((TUMIgirl)))

I agree with Pom and lynn. I can relate to the pain associated with the realization that your marriage is over, and you're still seeing him regularly. Seeing a counselor, to help you work through your feelings will help. Depending upon your daughter's age and her experience with your separation, therapy for her may be a good thing. It wouldn't hurt.

My children are rather young (4 and 6) and they've adjusted to our separation surprisingly easily. There are inevitable differences in my household and daddy's household. The children pick up on those differences and follow their expected norms. One day, I asked my girls if it was difficult or hard to remember the differences. Their answer: no. They know mommy likes certain rules, and daddy likes it that way. They've accepted that fact. My ex and I continue to communicate regularly, to let one another know what's happening ~ so we're better prepared to deal with possible issues. That's a benefit for all of us (mommy, daddy, and our girls).

My hub and I have been separated for 1 year. We are currently in mediation, which is going very well. We're lucky in that we both share the same goal of minimizing pain and confusion for our girls. Daddy and I still do run into different opinions and strong emotions very occasionally, but we try hard to maintain a sincere friendship. I do love him, and I suppose that I always will. It isn't easy to let go of that emotion, but it does become easier (as time passes) to remain friends.

Very best wishes to you ~ take care!
Shez

[sunrise]

TUMI, that sounds really hard, but I applaud your effort to be on good terms for your daughter's sake. I am on good terms with my XH (we just finished the divorce 2 weeks ago), and it has helped our girls a lot. What I think would be really hard about your situation is that when your H is with your daughter, it is with you instead of at his own place. Does he have an apartment or anything where he can be with your daughter separately from you? It would be healthy for him too to develop his own relationship with your daughter that is separate from a relationship when all 3 of you are present. It's a different dynamic and he and your daughter could both benefit (and you could too--you would get some "me" time). How old is your daughter? If she is really young, she might not understand why you are separated from dad but yet he comes and sees you at your house and you do stuff all together like "the old days". She might think it means you are getting back together and it would give her false hope. If she is older, she is capable of understanding better that it does not mean that. I think it is also very painful for you to have him in your house. I think he should get his own place, if possible.

Hang in there. Divorce is hard. (I agree with the counselor idea. My therapist was so helpful to me throughout the separation and divorce.)

[lovehope]

accept if for what it is, be strong in the proces, if you don't accept if for what it is then things will be on the bad end, you two will not be able to get along,and u will hate yourself for it later, ive been in this situstion may time, i have ex's now i still love but i found out that we didnt need to be together, it was ok to be his friend, it worked out better this way, so trust me love him from a distance