[kahina]

I am niether seperated or divorced , but the issue is one that my therapist is putting to me now. I'm bipolar recently diagnosed and have dealt with severe depression for 7 years . I am an incest survivor from my father for 5 years duration from age 7-13 years . I became pregnant with my first sexual partner at 17 and married the father who was 23 and getting a divorce. I've been married for 34 years now with a grown daughter and son. We have had good times and bad together, but the bad were emotionally abusive and yes he was well aware of my situation with my father, which I believe gave him the upper hand . I have now an understanding with Steve ( the childrens father ) that I want nothing to do with him and I am not leaving my home . We have not been intimate for 10 years, my choice as I had issues with him over his abuse and my family had a long term emergency. I know that I did not have the ' tools' to respond to any of this by just leaving . So here I am now looking at the probability that my illness is linked to Steve's abusive ways though I have conditioned myself to remain unaffected, it's truly impossible to remain unaffected . I am an artist, painter , and my hands are shot as I have had one carpel release which limits my work or working anywhere doing anything . Now I have an added condition to my depression in bipolar disorder. I have no one to assist me finacially for medical care if I divorce Steve and I would loose the insurance I have now. My feeling is that there is no choice but for me to stay married to Steve and do my best to cope with him. I've told Steve on more than one occasion to get a lawyer and each time he said he loved me . There is no getting through to him and I do fear not knowing how he would respond if I got the lawyer. I am so confused about what is really best for me, medical care is the issue. Without it I may as well stay with him, I at least will get meds. I have never worked longer than 1 year outside the home and had to give up my artistic business when my family had the emergency. I am running all possible scenarios I can about all of this. I've thought maybe I could teach art classes at my home ( I have no degree ) and meds and treatment are expensive . I've been in therapy for 6 weeks and added meds for 7 weeks. I'm not rushing to do anything, but I have to think about this now . Any thoughts would be welcome as I have thought this to death I believe. Thanks so much for just being here.

[jenkins09]

Welcome friend,

It would appear you have a lot on your plate right now. If I may offer a suggestion. I read where you talked about being in therapy and on meds for only 6 weeks, mabye put off leaving Steve until you have been in counseling and on meds a little longer. I dont advocate abuse at all, but if you are able to go to therapy for a few more months it might change your perspective on things. Will Steve go?

Blessings

[sunrise]

I think it's hard to think clearly when we feel we don't have options. If you can stay with Steve for longer, I would suggest doing your best to work on the relationship, just in case you can salvage it (go to marriage counseling) and most importantly, work on making changes in your life to become more financially independent. Examine your options for jobs and become employed, bring in a paycheck, perhaps you will have your own insurance at your job. This independence will be a confidence booster to you and make things a lot easier if you do decide to separate. It sounds like you won't be able to do a job involving your hands, but see if you can find other options. Perhaps a job talking with people on the phone, where you can use a headset and don't have to do a lot of typing on the computer. I don't know--just throwing that out as an idea. It could be that the first job you find will not involve Art, but that will be OK for now in exchange for getting on your financial feet.

You've told Steve to get a lawyer for himself. Does that mean you already have your own lawyer? What is your lawyer advising you?

I'm really glad you now have a therapist to help you with this enormous stress and these hard decisions. Perhaps your therapist can be a good source of ideas and advice on how to find a job, become financially independent, etc. Teaching art classes sounds like a good possibility. Or perhaps you could teach art at a local community center, or in a senior center. Take it slow with decisions right now and use your therapist to become empowered. I have a therapist, and there are times we have worked on emotional issues and there are times we have worked on very practical, nuts and bolts issues, like finances and education. Getting your bipolar under control sound essential for getting a job and being independent, and just plain functioning. I hope your efforts there are helping and that you are feeling more stable soon.

Before I got divorced, I took quite a bit of time getting ready for it, because I just couldn't handle it without making financial and emotional preparations. When I first went to my lawyer, she encouraged me to go slowly, but to work very seriously on "getting my ducks in a row."

I know that I did not have the ' tools' to respond to any of this by just leaving .

Even if you do have the tools, do not leave the home. This will hurt you in the divorce. Stay put and let him leave, if you have to separate right now. At least get the advice of your lawyer before leaving. (If you are being abused, are in danger, and need to escape, then of course you should leave--disregard what I just said. Find out where the women's shelters are in your community--your therapist can help with this.)

Best of luck.