[facingdemons]

In march, my husband of 7 1/2 years told me it was over. I don't blame him one bit. Had the roles been reversed, I would have left years ago.

I was diagnosed 6 years ago with rapid cycling bipolar 1 (however, last week, I was told this was a misdiagnosis and was re-diagnosed with BPD). I also have had a lot of issues with addiction. I have done terrible things. I have lied, cheated, stolen, put our kids in jeopardy, put us in mountains of debt, totaled cars, stayed out until sunrise over and over again. I have nightmares about my past all the time. Sometimes it's unbearable to consider the decisions I've made.

So, after one final disaster, where he saved me from going to jail, he let me sleep and then when I woke up, he told me he was done and I needed to find a place to stay.

In June, he asked for full custody of our two children. They are 5 and 6 now. I agreed, realizing that he was absolutely correct about my instability and my inability to care for our children. (I see them 5 days a week for a few hours a day, but they live with him exclusively) He's an amazing father. He would do anything for our kids, and he has put them ahead of everything else. I am so thankful for that.

At the end of June I met someone, and I jumped into a relationship. It wasn't the right choice, I know I wasn't ready.... but we've been together for 6 months now and it's going really well.

My ex has been incredibly supportive of me. After everything, he still listens to me and offers advice. From what he's told me and what's been relayed to me by family and friends, the divorce has nearly destroyed him. He hasn't been with anyone else and has been treated for depression.

I'm moving on. I know it's over, and I know why. But I miss him. He's been my best friend since we met, 9 years ago. He's been through hell and back with me. He knows me better than anyone else. And I miss him.

It would be so much easier if I could be angry... if I could hate him... but he did nothing wrong. He loved me, he loves our kids, and he gave me chance after chance. More than anything, I just wish I hadn't hurt him. I would do anything to make it better.

It's very conflicting. I love the man I'm with, but I grieve for the past. I'm just trying to make better choices and do the right thing for my kids.

[shezbut]

I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time letting go of the past. I can relate. My ex-hub and I were together for 18 years before our divorce. It's been 4 years since the divorce, and I've had a bf who just isn't "Mr. Right" since just before the divorce was finalized. I was completely alone during a year-long separation though.

Anyway, after 5 years of being apart, I still feel sad about my ex. I wish that we could have worked things out. Our problems lie upon my physical and emotional disabilities. Something he never supported me on & that was heartbreaking for me. I had also struggled for many years with my lack of sexual interest (due mostly to SA past). I still can't help but blame myself for all of the difficult changes that our family has gone through.

We do share custody of our 2 girls 50/50, but he is technically known as the primary caregiver. While that decision always made logical sense to me, it has still always been very difficult for me to accept.

You aren't alone ~ best wishes to you!

[fraiser]

If you care about your ex, leave him alone. He's grieving. Most likely when he encounters you its a couple steps backward for him. It sounds from the way you described it, he parented you. It's time to stand on your own 2 feet and give him a rest. This is not said to be cruel. He has enough on his plate. You have moved on. You could write an appreciative letter of apology. That might ease your guilt and put this matter to rest.

[chromegirl]

Your situation to me sounds like a combination of sadness and regret (which is understandable), with a good dose of emotional enmeshment still happening. I think the enmeshment part is what is problematic here, and probably preventing both of you from moving on. I think Fraiser's advice is sound. It is time for some distance and for each of you to stand on your own feet, for both of your sakes...