[LilMissSmiley]

been with my partner since i was a teenage, had our ups and downs, my partner would always leave stay out at his families house then come back not say sorry but crack a joke or anything so i was ok with him. well two years ago he left on one of his moods and i got a txt from my recently discovered bestfriend asking why we split?...which stunned me as why did she know and as far as i was concerned my parnter was just away on one of his wee moods and would makeup nxt day etc ......i found out my partner had took her number from my mobile without asking me and they continued txting each other....much to my horror as me and my partner have only ever been interested in each other so i fely utter paranoid that they were up to something etc so i ended my friendship with my so called bestfriend for lying to me with her secret txts she was goin bk and forth makin things worse and i couldnt speak to my "partner" as it turned into a weird atmsphere, we hav a child together and he came bk to me and got me to talk to my "friend" ,we slept together and few days later he said he cudnt do this anymore he was leaving..........again !!! instead of bein hurt and upset this time i was angry, angry at him for doing this to me again and angry at myself for having sex with him i felt used.........my "friend"was there to see my every move and still txted my "partner" bk and forth while lyin to me saying she never heard from him so i ended the friendship for gd as she kpt lyin to me playing with my head, i suffer manic depression, anxiety and panic attacks so i slowly started to have a nervous breakdown questioning everything being so paranoid. these thoughts came to a head one night when i knew something was goin on between my "partner" and "friend" and my "partner" came to me and we spoke and i asked him if he had slept with her, he sheepishly said yes and that was the end of the conversation bascially, he said he no longer spoke to her really, i was devasted, cried myself to sleep and knew all along i was right and that my "partner" and "friend" had messed my head up trying to make out i was imaging it all, i was more betrayed by my "friend" how could she do this to me when she knows my mental illness, how much i still loved my man, we hav a child together????? him on the other hand he was single after all and i had offers but i wouldnt dream of even kissing another man even though i was single.....it broke me...but the next day after his confession my "partner" came to me and said if i could forgive him could we try again, i told him i didnt want him havin ANYTHING to do with "friend" again he agreed....few days later i was still upset behind closed doors being phsyically sick...i couldnt cope felt everyone was laughin at me, then i discovered my sickness wasnt me just being worked up...i was preggers......we had conceived the time he came bk ( i was on the pill throughout break up )and left a few days later.......fast forward to birth of our second baby and overwhelmed with hormones and trying to get my medication bk to normal i began havin alot more disturbing thoughts about my partner and that so called friend....horrible thoughts, i questioned everything, my paranoid thoughts came bk but they were no longer in contact i was gettin images and thoughts from past experiences like i was reliving it all over again, and i couldnt tell him or i feared losing him if he thought i wasnt "over it" so i began forcing myself out gettin my head distracted as he had proposed to me and we were to be wed a yr after second baby was born....only 4 months before our nuptials i discovered a sharp pain in my side that stopped me working out ....i was 6months preg and i didnt know i was on the rod so i must hav just caught the cut off point as i got rod put in when baby was 10wk old.....so here i was preg again and getting married at 8months preg.......we married not a big affair, we moved into a bigger house, had baby number 3.....and i am now suffering extreme moodswings, i am haunted by these thoughts once again and this time they are lasting longer and effecting me more and more i now hate with a passion that "so called friend" i have seen her around and spit venom she looks away she knows wat she did and she is embaressed because she tried to steal my man and he came bk to me but why am i still suffering? on the facefront we are happy, but i now in my head this aint right, i recently told him about these thoughts and the way they make me feel, i am now entertaining thoughts of hurting her so bad because of what she has done to me, i know this isnt normal, i feel ive bn bombarded with preg hormones for 2yrs since this happened and ive not grieved properly or got over it, ive only ever slept with my husband, and now he cant say hes only ever slept with me......which brings it all back anyway......we split up just recently, not over this but i decided i cant be with him anymore, i do love him but hes never there for me, i nd supoort ive no family, no close friends as i dont trust anyone because of wats happend to me so trust is an issue, but i feel ill never get over this beause surely i shud have goten over it by now ....help me please

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello misssmiley,

This is really burning you up and that can't be a good feeling for you.

I will say now that I think you need help with these thoughts as well as your other issues. And I think you need to either share the blame with the man who played up on you and the woman or you put in into a balloon and let it go; just let it float away on the wind.

I really wish you luck with this because it can't be easy, all I can say is that he chose you, he came back to you so apart from that weakness it's you he loves. This is a matter for yourselves and maybe a counsellor. But I agree that you need help for the issue of violent thoughts

[Alluring Lady]

Hello LilMissSmiley

That is really a perplexing situation of yours. I feel sad about it.

Seek our almighty God's guidance and He will guide you to the lighter path.
I agree with Rhiannonsmoon, i believe, you need to let it go. Let go of the sad past and the pain it brought you. Look at the brighter side and make yourself busy. Be productive and have fun. You deserve it.

Good luck on that girl!

Alluring Lady