[Pippilongstockings]

My husband and I had been dating for 7 years and then recently got married. During December we started fighting and then in January I began my busy season of 2 months working crazy hours. We seemed to drift apart and he became unaffectionate.
Finally things came to a head and he moved back to his parents – he took absolutely nothing with besides the clothes her was wearing and his work bag. His reason was that we weren’t working and he wasn’t committed enough to the relationship.
During the months leading up to this I was also distant as all my affections were being rebuffed and I was becoming angry. 2 Weeks after he decided he needed what he referred to as a “Vacation”, and on the day he mentioned that he thought he should spend some time at his parents and wasn’t going to work I was so scared that I would come home from work and find all his things gone I took the day off work and the two of us spent it together doing normal things like getting his haircut. Although we didn’t hold hands as I thought that he should come to me...
So anyway when he said he needed this break he left for work the one morning and went to his parents – as I said taking nothing much with him – not even a toothbrush.
So 2 weeks into his “vacation” – he came home on the odd occasion and we celebrated our 1 year anniversary by going out to lunch. The next weekend we had lunch again and on the car trip back to his parents place (I had driven over to take him to lunch) I said that I wanted him to come home and this has been going on for long enough and he should decide what he wants (okay – pressuring him like that was not a good idea). So then he said that he need more time, to which I said he had already had a month, and his response was that in if i wanted an answer now then it was over – I asked him to elaborate and he said that he couldn’t. Just that he was a bad person and I could do better. I told him that he owed me and explanation.
So eventually he tells me that when he thought things were at their worst he was at an office party and kissed another girl (In his mind the vows we took are very serious and he sees this as breaking those vows) he then went on to say that had he done it once he would have gotten over it but it happened again. He said that he didn’t sleep with her.
So that incident happened 4 months ago and he has not been able to forgive himself and the fact that I forgave him and cant see that he is a bad person means that he needs to be the strong one and make the deision.
The thing is that looking back he has been unhappy with his job for about 18 months and hasn’t changed jobs. So I feel that the job is the root cause and this is just him feeling lonely and neglected. The REAL problem is that he wont talk to me about anything. He says he cant talk about these feelings.
Currently I am giving him space – I message him during the day to tell him about my day and other random items that I know he is interested in. However it is really taking it’s toll with him not really responding to any questions I ask. I am trying to be patient but it is really difficult. Any thoughts on how to get him to talk and how to stay patient even though I am desperate for him to reciprocate the hugs that I am messaging him?

[Yoda]

Have you considered marriage counselling?

If he needs space you have no choice but to give it to him. Somehow though I don't think I get the whole picture. As you said he isn't happy in his job; has he discussed what job he would rather do?

[Pippilongstockings]

I guess what I have described above is really what's currently happening and that you are right it is not the whole story. He doesn't know what he would rather be doing - well he might but wont communicate that except to say that his life is not what he thought it would be. He is working in the field that the rest of his family is working in so there is pressure to stay in that field. Everytime something get difficult at work he wants to resign. I am starting to think it may be because he is not enjoying his field of work. At this stage he doesn't seem to want to make any long term plans for our relationship and is therefore not really accepting my proposal that he take some time off to assess what he career field he would like to go into.

[Pippilongstockings]

Update:

Okay so after a week of us messaging back and forth... I mesasge him goodnight to which he prompts that he was only finishing up at the office (it was 10pm) can he come crash at home (he has been spending the week at his parents place, I am assuming - as I havent asked him - Im trying not to be nosy and I haven't been asked by him mom where he is). I say sure - it's still his place after all.

So he spends the night and we spend the morning cathcing up on all the programs that i still record that we enjoy watching together.

Then he is back to work as he is working a deadline. Here I was last night trying deperately not to ask him if he was coming back home... Not easy and today we have been messaging each other.

its really hard him popping in and out like this but if that's what he needs...

*Sigh*

[lad007]

I don't think it is good for your self esteem if you are just letting him drop by when he has moved out. You have the right to set some boundaries and I think you should.
Let him know you are there for him when he is ready to discuss what is bothering him. Don't let him get away with saying he can't talk about his feelings, that is bs. What kind of a marriage long term will you have if he can't talk about things? Do you want to be married to someone who refuses to try to communicate, you'll always be trying to guess whats going on.
Also, I would stop chasing him, men like the chase, let him come to you. Let him miss you.
Text him you love him and say you are respecting his need for space, and you will be ready to discuss what is bothering him when he is ready. Then ignore him until he comes to you. Don't be a doormat.