[Wil F.]

My partner of 8 years left me. I was to blame for it. It happened two months ago, and I still cry every day. I miss him so much.

I lied to him, about two things. One was my age, said I was many years younger than I am. Secondly, during the deepest point of my depression, I went on a spending spree that amounted to nearly $10,000.00 in credit debt. I kept telling him that my finances were under control. But they weren't. I finally told him the truth, and he freaked out. A few weeks later, he left me. Stating he couldn't trust me, and that he didn't know if I would ever do anything like that again.

My depression is well maintained now, and I know the warning signs much better than I did then. He told me today that he loved me, but that at this point he had no intention of returning to the relationship. Not until I, "get myself together again, and become the person he fell in love with.". I don't think I'm ever going to be that person of eight years ago. But I am essentially the person he fell in love with. A person with depression.

At the time when we met. I was sad, I felt lonely, and isolated, but was driven to socialize by a period of substance abuse. I had been self-medicating for years with Marijuana, but had starting using other recreational drugs, albeit many years later, nonetheless, it was all a part of my self-medication. I had no idea how depressed I was and that I had been depressed most of my life, until I came down with cancer. Shortly after that, I lost my job at the beginning of the crash.

That was the pivotal point. My depression took over my life, which followed a long battle back to a certain level of functionality. By that time it was too late. He was frustrated and never voiced his feelings in fear of hurting me. Instead his frustrations mounted to the point at which he had to leave the relationship. Well at least he felt he did.

I want him back. I was left in a terrible position. No job. Very little money coming in. On disability, and alone in a city in which I know no one. I feel like I'm may be getting sick again. But at the same time, understand that I could some say in how depression affects my life now.

I miss him. Don't know if he'll return. I know he wants to be with me, and I with him. Maybe not, perhaps it's all in my head. I just want him back, and don't know whether I should move on, as he has, he's been dating. I'm heartbroken, but know that what he says and what he feels was, for the most part, due to my bad judgment and wanting to feel some happiness. I don't think he fully comprehends that. Worse part is, he suffers from depression himself. But has not really come to grips with it. I hope he comes back. He's my closest friend. Pathetic I know, but that's the way I feel.

[Leed]

I'm sorry about what has happened. But can YOU understand what position you put him in? It's not ALL about lying. It's about his credit rating, it's about is monthly bill trying to pay back the $10,000, and how LONG that's going to take. Are you thinking of that? You didn't mention any of that.

And yes, the lying of course is going to be of concern to him. It will take some time for him to be able to trust you again. If you two DID get back together, he would be questioning you constantly about your actions and spending. I doubt you'd like that much, but you couldn't blame him after what has happened. Regardless if it happened when you were depressed or not, you weren't INSANE -- you knew what you were doing and you knew it was wrong.

If you're not in counseling now, it would be a good time to talk to a counselor. When I got into a "bad place" like you are, I always went back to my therapist who worked with me to get me out of that dark tunnel. Are you on medications I hope? Are you taking them like you should? I hope so.

Get into therapy. Believe me, it will help you see things more clearly, and help you know the next right thing to do. Plus maybe you won't keep going into these depressions if you get some issues dealt with.

I wish you the very best. I know you're having a tough time right now. Please take care of yourself & keep posting too. We'll be here. God bless & hope to hear more from you. Hugs, Lee