[bowhunt72]

This may not be your typical divorce/separation thread. In my case, I'm the one that's wrong, no question. My wife and I have been together for 20 years, married for 18. 13 years ago I had an affair for a few months with another woman who was also married. I cut it off and returned to my wife and family. After years of struggle, we finally rebuilt a decent marriage.

The last few years of our marriage have been very rough. There has been a lot of bitterness and resentment built up between us. In December I finally had enough and through internet searching found the woman I had originally had my affair with, having not seen or heard from her in 13 years. We got back together with our feelings for each other stronger than ever. I moved out of my house and my wife filed for divorce. The other woman and I started planning our new life together as soon as my divorce was final and she took care of her own personal and relationship issues. I was sure I was right and head over heels in love.

It all came crashing down last weekend. She chose to return to an abusive, controlling ex boyfriend because of the time they had spent together and the financial security he could offer that I could not. I took the news extremely hard. I had a complete breakdown and had to be hospitalized on suicide precautions for three days. I'm now in an intensive outpatient program and also looking for other sources of help.

I've had the time to realize how wrong I was. I want to do everything I can to make it right and get my life back. The problem is my wife. She understandably refuses to trust me and won't let me back into our house. I'm doing everything I can think of to rebuild trust, but nothing is enough. I know it will take time, but time is something I don't have much of with the divorce already moving through the courts. I've given her total access to my facebook and email accounts, and offered her access to my cell phone records and even a key to my apartment so she can verify that I'm not contacting anyone else. I'm not asking her to trust me or forgive me yet. I'm not even asking for the spousal and child support orders that are crippling me financially to be lifted. All I'm asking is that she commit to rebuilding our marriage as I have. The divorce can always be reinstated if I show that I can't be trusted. I just need time.

Can anyone offer help or advice?

[Mith]

Originally Posted by bowhunt72

I've had the time to realize how wrong I was. I want to do everything I can to make it right and get my life back. The problem is my wife. She understandably refuses to trust me and won't let me back into our house. I'm doing everything I can think of to rebuild trust, but nothing is enough. I know it will take time, but time is something I don't have much of with the divorce already moving through the courts. I've given her total access to my facebook and email accounts, and offered her access to my cell phone records and even a key to my apartment so she can verify that I'm not contacting anyone else. I'm not asking her to trust me or forgive me yet. I'm not even asking for the spousal and child support orders that are crippling me financially to be lifted. All I'm asking is that she commit to rebuilding our marriage as I have. The divorce can always be reinstated if I show that I can't be trusted. I just need time.

Can anyone offer help or advice?

Somethings broken can never be fixed. You have taught your soon to be ex wife a valuable lesson about trust. You can not unlearn a lesson. Especially not one so intense. You walked the path of negative Karma. You gave onto this world pain and saddness. Now you must experience that lesson for yourself. The only way back is though the experince. My advice is to take this time to learn from your actions. Come out the other side enlightened. You will from now on be a source of pain in your wifes life. You say you love her, then you have to do the unselfish thing, put her needs in front of yours, and let her go. Let her be happy.

[Leed]

I'm really sorry this happened. But can you turn this around and place yourself in HER shoes? How would YOU feel if the same thing had happened to you? Would YOU be able to forgive her and forget? Would YOU be able to trust her and let her back into your life? Would you be able to go on with a marriage that, in your words, had a lot of bitterness and resentment? And then the final straw comes with betrayal. How would YOU handle all of that?

Yes, you have gone above and beyond as far as giving her access to all your belongings, i.e phone, apartment, e-mail, etc. But she will always be wondering when the next shoe will drop. When someone cheats on you once, you might forgive them. But when they cheat TWICE -- no especially when it's with the SAME WOMAN! That's a huge slap in the face to any woman.

I'm afraid you've done it my friend. Perhaps you can part with some civility -- but don't expect her to greet you with open arms at the door. She'd be a fool to put herself thru that again. Try to move on with your life and learn from your mistakes. This is a hard lesson to learn -- but I hope you did. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[bowhunt72]

No one needs to convince me I was wrong and I hurt her deeply. I've had plenty of time to think about that, especially while locked up on suicide watch in the psych ward. To her credit, she came to visit me in the hospital and agreed to be responsible for me so I could be released.

I have made a commitment to her to work toward restoring our marriage, and all I've asked of her is that unless I do something to screw it up, her goal is to restore our marriage too. She refuses to give me even that much, saying only that she doesn't rule it out and at some point in the next few months she may agree to work on it too. What she demands for now is that I work on getting myself healthy and building a support system beyond just her. I'm trying to do that - posting on PC is part of that effort. I immediately cut all ties and means of communication with the other woman, and I have given my wife total access to my facebook, email, cellphone and house phone, and banking information as well as access to my apartment so she doesn't have to trust me - she can see for herself that I'm not communicating with anyone else.

As unlikely as it sounds, there is some hope for rebuilding the marriage. We have met for lunch several times, and she has helped me with my grocery shopping because she knows the child support, spousal support, and health insurance for her and the kids I have been court ordered to pay are causing me extreme financial hardship. We have hammered out a dissolution agreement between ourselves but agreed not to sign it, even though I would be better off financially if we did. She has agreed to have her attorney halt the progress of our divorce paperwork through the courts. In return, I have agreed not to contest the "temporary" child support and spousal support orders that are crippling me financially, and I will not cut off paying for her health insurance and a life insurance policy on me with her as the beneficiary, even though doing so would save me hundreds of dollars a month.

She has said that she will continue to help me medically and financially, because as she says, she has been my best friend for 20 years and she's not going to abandon me. The marriage itself is another story, but not totally without hope. She still refuses to wear her wedding ring, but did wear the diamond necklace I bought her for our 10th anniversary.

Somewhere, in the distance, there is a faint glow of light at the end of the tunnel. Someday, far into the future, she may forgive me. I don't expect her to forget, and I know that she will never fully trust me again. I hope that I can rebuild her trust to the point that we can work on whatever it is that's kept us together for 20 years, and maybe even someday call it love again.

[Leed]

Wow, I must admit that she's a remarkable woman! I'm glad she's willing to help you so generously! I guess there IS hope for the marriage afterall!

Like you said, it will take time -- perhaps lots of it, but you sound plenty motivated! I hope it all works out for the best. Keep the faith and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[painsme]

Is she in counceling alone? Since she is willing to support you medically and finacially she has not cut you off completely. With that said now is the time for you both to look at the marriage deeply. It was last wekend it all came crashing down. If it had not how would you feel? Were their feelings for this other person good that you would have not left her to return to your wife? Is this how your wife of 20 years looked at it, the one you left her for, for the new one, Is she assuming if the new gf wanted you back would you go back? Not trying to sound callous, just asking questions from the wife's point of view. You are doing what you can in hopes it will help her to see things in a different light. The major thing is that this is so recent, the breakup, the hospitaization. That alone would make your wife think that since you were hospitalized as the result of the breakup with the girlfriend you were showing your wife how much you felt for the latter. Not blaming you, this is from the prespective of your wife and her thinking. You know it will take time. As you suggested in my post counceling, seperate and joint therapy will have to be a start. If she is willing to attend joint therapy for you both and after a period of time for her to possibly regain any trust at all then there is hope. Pushing the issue with her is more damaging. Ask her for the therapy for you both, take small steps, but let her know you made mistakes and are willing to do what it takes, step back give her time.

[bowhunt72]

My wife is in counseling with a religious adviser, I think every two weeks. I can't see my therapist while I'm in the intensive outpatient program for insurance reasons, but I will be going back as soon as I'm released from the IOP. I've been out of the hospital for a week now. Yes, the hospitalization was a direct result of the breakup. I crashed severely when it sank in that this person I had turned my life upside down for had broken her promises to me and returned to someone she had complained of abusing her verbally and emotionally for years. I'd like to say that if the girlfriend showed up at my place tomorrow - technically, she could, she still has a key to my apartment - I'd turn her away. I can't say for sure what I'd really do, and hope I don't find out. That's a big part of what I'm in counseling and the outpatient program for, to get help moving on with my life and recommitting to my marriage.

I had demanded immediate marriage counseling for both of us so that I could return home as quickly as possible, but with more time to think, I have backed off from that demand. One of the things I expect from her is that she admit her faults too - if the marriage had been great I never would have had reason to look elsewhere - instead of blaming the entire problem on me. I was mostly to blame, and I made the biggest mistakes, but she can't say she's blameless. For now I'm willing to do what she asked and focus on healing myself so I and my psych problems aren't so difficult for her to deal with. When I feel I'm stable and ready to recommit I will ask again for couple's therapy, or ideally she will see sufficient improvement in me to ask me herself. No matter what happens, it's going to take time.

Originally Posted by bowhunt72

One of the things I expect from her is that she admit her faults too - if the marriage had been great I never would have had reason to look elsewhere - instead of blaming the entire problem on me.

After all that I've read in your posts about your "broken-ness" I have to be completely honest and say your first goal should not be to ask anything of her. In what you did to cause her to want to divorce you, YOU were at fault and I don't think you're in a place to ask for anything of her at this point, if not for a very long time. Your goal is to show her what you're commitment level really is. You've not only gone outside the marriage but you further pursued that woman and only when she left you did you actually return to your wife or try to.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by bowhunt72

All I'm asking is that she commit to rebuilding our marriage as I have. The divorce can always be reinstated if I show that I can't be trusted. I just need time.

It would take another 13 years for you to show you weren't going to do it again! She wants to move on with her life, not spend that time making/watching you jump through hoops? You blew it once, got a second chance and then blew that. You need to get your own life, not try to lean on hers.

[bowhunt72]

If we're going to be honest, then let's be honest. There are two sides to every story, and this story does not involve a completely innocent person being wronged by a completely guilty person. Pretending it does, and trying to repair the marriage on that basis, would itself be dishonest. No, the blame isn't 50/50. It's probably more like 90/10, with 90% of the fault mine. But if this is going to have any chance to work, everybody has to come clean.

This is just my opinion of course, but I think what you're doing is sort of selfish. Maybe you should focus on what your wife wants...have you even asked her? You're not in the position to be making requests of her. You've not only cheated on her once, you did it twice! If I were in your wife's shoes, I wouldn't be jumping up to give you a third chance.

Respect what she wants, let her have her life, and try to move on.

Originally Posted by bowhunt72

If we're going to be honest, then let's be honest. There are two sides to every story, and this story does not involve a completely innocent person being wronged by a completely guilty person. Pretending it does, and trying to repair the marriage on that basis, would itself be dishonest. No, the blame isn't 50/50. It's probably more like 90/10, with 90% of the fault mine. But if this is going to have any chance to work, everybody has to come clean.

You asked for punishment, and you are getting it. Infidelity is a very sore subject for a lot of people. You are going to get pummeled. Gosh, a president was literally almost impeached for it! yet all the other stuff gets swept under the rug (war, death, criminal acts, etc etc). You are intelligent. You know that.

And of course it doesn't involve one completely innocent person...but that is the way you are writing it...and you are writing as though she is the victim and you are the "bad guy" begging for mercy and forgiveness. It's a tough crowd when it comes to infidelity. And you forgot! There are 3 parties involved here.

So why are you being so hard on yourself?
- It's your nature to protect and save people and sacrifice for others, right?
- Also, you are a total adreneline guy, correct?

Bow, what is in your way past? Who are you without your profession? Who are you without your lover? THAT is what you should focus on.

*****

I am so sorry that you are grieving and your heart and health have been affected. I also think that your wife is very nice to "support" you while you are down and not abandon you (Christian of her).

But seriously, think about it, if she is receiving religious assistance (and not therapy or in addition to therapy), what type of person would she be if she did leave when you were ill. She is playing the martyr. Is she praying for you with her group, too?

I do believe that your first priority is getting well. working on yourself. forgiving yourself. you have a problem. you were in love with someone that wasn't your wife (you aren't the first. and won't be the last).

Also, I haven't read anywhere re: your anger and hurt, resentment, PAIN, regarding your True Love abandoning you after all you were willing to sacrifice? and that it seems like you were "saving her" from a life of torment and abuse from the other guy; yet, she chose to re-set that fire anyway (leaving you to continue to worry, and all the while, still manipulating, leaving the door open to you, just in case, it gets bad enough for her to leave him...you can save the day).
And she chose him over you for $?

Both she and your estranged (benevolent) wife sound like real prizes. I'd say 33% across the board.

You have a lot to unravel, my Friend. I wish you all the very best. I really hope you will find yourself. Take care

[bowhunt72]

Melissa - yes, I have asked what my wife wants. She has told me she wants the marriage to work, and other times she has been not so sure. She has said she's not ready for me to be back in her life 24/7, so I continue to live in my apartment and we see each other occasionally or talk on the phone. What she wants is for me to heal and find more support for myself before she will commit to working on the marriage.

Rose - you are absolutely right, this is a tough crowd, but like you say, I asked for it. As for the True Love, the Other Woman...deep breath...

Yes, I am hurting badly because of her choice. To make it as short as possible, she is a nurse. A number of years ago she was injured at work. She was prescribed pain medication, and became dependent on it. She eventually resorted to stealing drugs to feed her addiction and got caught. She was sent to treatment in lieu of conviction for two felony charges of stealing controlled substances. Her nursing license was suspended. At the time we met up again, she was finishing up 3 years clean, completing her obligation, and waiting on her nursing license to be reinstated. Her boyfriend of 12 years, 16 years older than her, treated her like **** the entire time. He called her a fat lazy slob, a worthless drug addict, and worse. They had not been intimate in over two years. I complimented her on losing the weight while he called her a fat slob. I gave her trust when he accused her of stealing from him. I supported her getting her license back when he said it would never happen. I gave her sincere love and affection when he would barely speak to her and hadn't touched her in years. I have never met the guy, just spoken to him on the phone, and he is a prize *******. And when the chips were down, we were both as we said to each other "all in". He thought she was leaving me to stay with him although we were still seeing each other. Someone, I have no idea who, called him and ratted us out. He confronted her...and she caved and stayed with him. She had been living with him, and he had money. I was about to be broke from a divorce and thought we were living on love.

Yeah, that hurt. A lot. And realizing that I had wrecked my marriage for someone who let me down when it was time to make a tough decision hurt even worse. The next morning, after waking up alone in our bed, I collapsed. I had a major crash, went suicidal, and wound up in the hospital.

So that's my story, the part about me getting hurt. All of you who see only that I was guilty of infidelity, enjoy yourselves. To those of you who remember that this is a support forum, thanks for listening. This is the situation I have forced my wife to deal with. She's not ready to take me back, not by a long shot. I have a lot of healing and straightening myself out to do before she will even let me try to work on the marriage.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm off work and going to the hospital three days a week for group therapy. I'm trying to heal and improve myself, and even trying to forgive myself as my wife has asked me to.

Originally Posted by bowhunt72

Rose - you are absolutely right, this is a tough crowd, but like you say, I asked for it. As for the True Love, the Other Woman...deep breath...

Yes, I am hurting badly because of her choice. Yeah, that hurt. A lot. And realizing that I had wrecked my marriage for someone who let me down when it was time to make a tough decision hurt even worse. The next morning, after waking up alone in our bed, I collapsed. I had a major crash, went suicidal, and wound up in the hospital.

All of you who see only that I was guilty of infidelity, enjoy yourselves. To those of you who remember that this is a support forum, thanks for listening. This is the situation I have forced my wife to deal with. She's not ready to take me back, not by a long shot. I have a lot of healing and straightening myself out to do before she will even let me try to work on the marriage.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm off work and going to the hospital three days a week for group therapy. I'm trying to heal and improve myself, and even trying to forgive myself as my wife has asked me to.

Bow, I honestly don't think anyone here is happy that you are in pain or suffering. Not at all! (I'd venture that is why most, if not all, of us are here).

But you did ask for input regarding recovering from infidelity, while at the same time beating yourself up ... and that is a trigger (both emotional and moral) for many people. That is what I meant.

However, perhaps your anger with some of the respones ... is misguided and a mask for where the true pain and grief should go?

Work on your health (physical and emotional), be gentle with yourself, grieve, heal and get to the root of the matter(s).

Then, perhaps, you will see things in a different light.

Try (for once) to put yourself first. I know it's probably not your way, but that is really the only way you will be able to think about what you want next. Not what you estranged spouse wants.

Take good care of you.

[happiedasiy]

I am sorry to hear that you are suffering, I do believe that you are confused, and feel ungrounded at this time.
I am a sympathetic person, I do not judge, and I would look to the truth to find reason for your actions.

I do believe that this marriage is broken beyond repair due to your actions, for this you must grieve.
If you force your wife to remain and rebuild, you will never be solid.
Let the divorce go through, so your wife and you can have a sense of closure. A sense of finality and coming to terms with all this marriage has endured, feelings, the sum experience . Over time expressed good/bad and now is done/over. What have you learned?
This does'nt mean that this love/relationship is over.
If you could start new how would you do things differently?
You need to show not tell your wife ex/wife who you are by your actions.
You need to support your wife and children by being the best man you can be. And be happy with that.

[lido78]

Maybe I missed discussion of this in the prior posts, but what about your children? It seems as if you're just having a problem being alone now that the affair did not work out the way you wanted it to. What kind of lessons are you teaching them about trust and commitment? You, your wife and the other woman are all adults, but no one seems to be thinking about how all this jerking back and forth is going to affect those kids and their future ability to form relationships. Stop worrying about getting your wife/life back and think about how to make them feel safe again. This has hit a personal note for me and I speak from experience...my father cheated on my mother and then had a nervous breakdown when neither my mother or the woman with whom he had the affair really wanted to make a go of it with him. He was hospitalized and on suicide watch too...I had to visit him in the hospital when I was about 13 and will never forget the scene...he was devastated over all he had lost. While I have forgiven his weakness now that I'm an adult, I will not be able to forgive what he took away from me...when a child cannot trust his/her own parent, it makes ALL future relationships more difficult. So, while you're probably not 100% guilty (and neither is your wife)...you'd both be better off figuring out what is best for your children right now and then making sure it matches up with what you both want...they will need time to heal too...and, depending on their ages, may not have the maturity to process this without care and help.

If you honestly believe you can be faithful to your wife and the both of you can rebuild a happy family together, then I hope you get the help that you need to make this happen. Before you go back though...please have a good understanding of why it would be different the next go-around....don't just go back because she lets you come back...or nothing will have changed at all.

Good luck to all of you.

[bowhunt72]

Rose - insightful, as always. First, let me say I had no intent to be a trigger for anyone. If through my own anger and insensitivity I did so, I apologize profusely. Rereading some of my posts, I do come off as pretty angry. Once again, I need to apologize.

You are correct, it is not my way to put myself first. Most of my adult life was spent helping others through firefighting and EMS, even at the cost of injury to myself or putting my own life at risk. I retired early only when I was forced to because of my psych diagnosis, and the loss of my career and true love still hurts me every day.

I don't know how to put myself first and heal. My life was healing others, not myself. I am hurting, and hurting badly, for the loss of what I thought was true love. I thought we were two kindred souls finally brought back together by fate. But I feel like I'm not allowed to hurt because I never should have been in that relationship and I hurt others by doing so. My pain keeps getting pushed down in favor of trying to do whatever my wife wants because I know I wronged her and hurt her badly. It's like scabbing over a sore that keeps festering underneath. Until I find a way to let the poison out and heal myself, nothing else can heal. But I don't know how to do it.

My wife has told me she has forgiven me, although she wants to see changes in me before she will give me another chance. She has told me she wants me to forgive myself so I can heal, because only after I have healed myself can I work on healing our relationship. But I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT!!! That's why I'm so desperately looking for help, here and through the outpatient program I am and and through support groups.

She has told me if I want our marriage back I have to start back at the beginning, like at the first date. That is what I am trying to do. I have backed off from my demand for immediate couple's therapy and have stopped asking to come home. I live here in my apartment, and we see each other occasionally or talk on the phone. Today she met me at the hospital after my outpatient session and took me grocery shopping, because she knows money is desperately tight with me being off work to seek help at the hospital. She let me buy her lunch afterward (I thought it was the least I could do) and we had a conversation like two normal adults. It's a very small step, but at least it's in the right direction.

[bowhunt72]

lido78 - the kids are a very big part of the issue, although I haven't mentioned them much here. My wife and I both believe that the best thing for them is to have their parents together in a stable relationship. Right now they are both very angry with me. They are 16 and 14, plenty old enough to understand what I did wrong by leaving them and their mother and our home for another woman. My wife says she has not spoken badly of me to them. What I am doing is to leave them alone and not force myself on them. I talk to them when I see them about school and their activities and other commonplace things, but I don't mention anything about what I did. They don't want or need me trying to justify myself to them. I am giving them their space and the time to make up their own minds. If they ask me questions about what happened, I will answer, but they haven't yet. In time they will decide for themselves what their relationship with me should be like. If I don't happen to like what they decide, that's just another of the consequences of my choices and actions and I'll have to live with it.

[lido78]

I'm glad that you're not pushing your kids, but I hope that you and your wife are not wrong about what is actually good for them (i.e., parents together in a stable relationship). My father stayed at home (guest room) after his hospitalization because my mother is a very caring person and, strangely, he was more emotionally damaged after the affair. But, honestly, we did not want him there and this was unhealthy for us. We finally asked my mother to ask him to leave...we were old enough to understand that my mother was not his first choice, and he pretty much had nowhere else to go (like you, he considered the woman of his affair to be his true love). Your children also are old enough to understand this and, given this day and age, probably much more sophisticated than my sister and I were. Had my mother not asked him to leave and divorced him, it would have been even more damaging. Personally, I wanted her to be able to find someone who considered her to be his true love....staying together for the sake of the kids, I'm just not sure this works unless this is really what they want.

I'm glad they are open to seeing you and spending time with you and think this is a good sign.

I'm curious...since you call the other woman your true love, why do you really want to go back with your wife...don't you both deserve to find true love....? It doesn't sound like you can find it with each other....maybe working on a friendship with no expectations will have an even better result....just something to consider. Now, after 20 years, I can honestly say that my parents were never a good match. They never should have been together. I just wish that divorce had been more acceptable back in the 70s as they propably could have parted on friendlier terms.

Bow, no need to apologize...you learned something that's all. You are human.

And you ARE doing it...you are healing in the best way you know how. You are coming here and posting and sharing. You are going to T/P. You are connecting on other sites. You are doing it already even though you may not realize it - or feel like it...you are walking through the pain right now (actually, more like inching through the pain).

You mentioned in a previous post that you have "no one" other than your estranged wife. Do you mean that literally or do you mean that figuratively?

[lido78]

Bow...in terms of healing yourself, just be patient. My father actually went back to school and ended up getting a Phd in psychology. He has been in a committed relationship with a woman for the last 25 years or so and is just about the happiest he's ever been...but, he took a lot of time and made a lot of effort to understand himself. He and my mother are on friendly terms and he has relationships with both daughters. It's not perfect, but no relationships are....and they don't have to be because that just doesn't exist. Honestly, think of the tide...you can't control its ebb and flow...so, just try to enjoy it.

[bowhunt72]

When I said I have no one, I meant it literally. My parents want to help, but they don't really have a clue about what's going on with me and I wish they'd just leave me alone. We've never been very close. My only sibling, my older brother (the favorite) is in federal prison in another state and I haven't talked to him in over three years. I don't have any friends that are close enough I could talk about something like this with them. Most of the friends I did have are too freaked out by finding out I'm bipolar/generalized anxiety/PTSD/OCD to want anything to do with me any more. I have a pastor who sincerely wants to help, but is completely out of his depth dealing with psychiatric illness like mine. And that's it...nobody.

Originally Posted by bowhunt72

When I said I have no one, I meant it literally. My parents want to help, but they don't really have a clue about what's going on with me and I wish they'd just leave me alone. We've never been very close. My only sibling, my older brother (the favorite) is in federal prison in another state and I haven't talked to him in over three years. I don't have any friends that are close enough I could talk about something like this with them. Most of the friends I did have are too freaked out by finding out I'm bipolar/generalized anxiety/PTSD/OCD to want anything to do with me any more. I have a pastor who sincerely wants to help, but is completely out of his depth dealing with psychiatric illness like mine. And that's it...nobody.

so you are fighting to go backward: to mediocre; than start fresh and move ahead: to something potentially really wonderful.

[Confusedinomicon]

You don't need to talk about your issues to have people there for you. Sometimes they will not understand the scope of your problems, but simply having someone there to talk to can be healing. It is important to see a therapist and whatever else help the BIG problems, but don't shut others out if they're willing to just listen and talk.

If they are saying a lot of negative things about your situation its best to stay away.

[Bella01]

I need to put my two cents in here. I think that you need to heal from your affair. You must be in a lot of pain. Until you heal from that you will not be able to go forward to try and work it out with your wife.

Right now your still thinking about the what ifs she didn't go back to her boyfriend.

Take time to heal before you work on your marriage.