Angry with myself and him.

This might be longer then I suspect. I've been with my husband for 4 years. It has been 4 years of insanity, him alcoholic and verbally, mentally abusive with a rage issue as well as no regard for his son or I. For the majority of our marriage his friends have come before his son. A catalyst of events have left me no choice. The main event being I was his D.D. We got into a fight while I was driving, he yanked the steering wheel while in the passenger seat on the freeway in a rage. Thankfully i gained control of the vehicle and no one was hurt. He has been sober since the incident and seeing a Counsler, I am in counseling as well. I've allowed him the privilage of seeing his son daily and he is sleeping on the couch. While his 180 degree change of being a doting caring husband and father has miraculously occurred and I note the change I cannot help but feel contempt, resentment, confusion and hurt for what I have allowed to continue to happen because I wanted my marriage to work. He missed out on the majority of our sons life in a stooper of pot and alcohol, I enabled by turning a blind eye. When i would ask or demand change he would rage out, no rational thinking to there being anything wrong. I am not a victim I have realized my wrongs; the irony of it all is his friends that came before his marriage hate me now because I expected my husband to be here for his son instead of at their every whim (7 days a week, holidays, birthdays if they needed him for something he was there and I was "controlling and a changed woman" when I put my foot down which was more then once.) He is here for us now that he is aware his marriage is over due to his poor choices. His parents are severe Hoarders so him not being able to stay there is somehow my issue. How do I move past this anger, hurt and resentment? he is here everyday after work doing all the things he never did prior, helping clean, doing things around the house and being a father, he keeps saying "I'm going to prove to you I can be the man you need me to be, I'm going to make it up to you." while neither of us can erase the past I feel as though he is delusional to think that now that it's over that I can accept him back 100%. I need him to leave so I can start to heal and move forward, I have consulted an attorney in regards to legal separation, he states he won't leave. I'm tired, I'm tired of him and thinking everyday about the blatant disregard for his son and I that has marred my very love for him; he has changed for the better. He also put my life and his own as well as others in jeapordy by his drunken rage. He is a new man who wants the only person that ever saw the real him; I'm a new person as well, a person with expectations and limits for myself and my personal relationships, I expect to get through this, but I have to start by moving past this resentment for all the pain he has caused my son and I; how do I do this? I need the anger to dissipate.

I think you need time for yourself, as you said to get over the anger and resentment. It is great that your husband has changed for the better, but more often than not its too little too late. There are alot of women like you out there who put up with so much just because they want there marriage to work, but your husband put your life at risk a number of times and your childs and this too is disgusting. I dont know how anyone could let someone risk there lives and especially there childs and put up with this kind of behaviour, and get over it. I can undertand your disgust with your own behaviour. Im not atatcking you because i think finally you are where you should be and that is loving yourself enough to leave and start fresh. Find out who you are by yourself and see if your husband can maintain his commitment to your child without living with you guys. Perhaps you two will get back together, or perhaps not, take some time out for yourself. Because i personally think you outgrew your husband along time ago and now that you have got what you wanted you have finally allowed yourself to feel past your desire of simply loving him and wanting your marriage to work, and recognise all of these other feelings of which you have been supressing for a long time. Go out and find out what its like to be alone, and this will help you process these feelings, but i think the fact that your looking into legal separtaion and that you have doubts speak for itself. As someone once told me, there are no doubts with the one, and dont we all deserve to find the one. Good luck