[moxycrayon]

My husband of 2 years has told people behind my back that I am making up my bp to manipulate him or to make excuses. He's told me I'm a horrible mother who will just end up killing herself (I mean, I've tried before so I suppose there's some truth to it, but it was years ago) and that I'm crazy (I know I'm crazy) and need help (I'm getting help). He tells me these things over and over every time I have an episode and hurt myself or become depressed, but when I tell him its best for our family if we separate he says he's so sorry and he didn't mean any of it he only said it to hurt me. But I just feel like all the mean things he says to me when I'm down make everything so much worse. I feel like he doesn't try to protect me or help me when I need him. I just wish he could care enough about me to at least not say the things he says that seem to fuel the fire.

But then I think about trying to make it by myself and I worry if I have to do all the things I'll have to do to try to support myself it'll add to the stress and I'll end up really losing it. Then my mind starts thinking about my two year old son having only me to count on the way I am and I feel very sad thinking that someday he might look at me the way my husband does and just see me as a burden who isn't worth all the trouble. And I start thinking I cannot do this on my own so when my husband says he doesn't really want it to end, I come back. But the next time I have an episode I know it will happen all over again. I know I got myself into this mess but I just start feeling so hopeless. No matter what I do things will always be so hard.. I pick up the pieces and everything seems so wonderful but its like its all fake and it'll all come crashing down. And I know I can be so mean and crazy and do stupid things and I just want it to stop!!!!!!

I feel like I'm a yo yo and eventually my string will just break..

[Flooded]

So why are you still with him?

[skilite]

Originally Posted by moxycrayon

My husband of 2 years has told people behind my back that I am making up my bp to manipulate him or to make excuses. He's told me I'm a horrible mother who will just end up killing herself (I mean, I've tried before so I suppose there's some truth to it, but it was years ago) and that I'm crazy (I know I'm crazy) and need help (I'm getting help). He tells me these things over and over every time I have an episode and hurt myself or become depressed, but when I tell him its best for our family if we separate he says he's so sorry and he didn't mean any of it he only said it to hurt me. But I just feel like all the mean things he says to me when I'm down make everything so much worse. I feel like he doesn't try to protect me or help me when I need him. I just wish he could care enough about me to at least not say the things he says that seem to fuel the fire.

But then I think about trying to make it by myself and I worry if I have to do all the things I'll have to do to try to support myself it'll add to the stress and I'll end up really losing it. Then my mind starts thinking about my two year old son having only me to count on the way I am and I feel very sad thinking that someday he might look at me the way my husband does and just see me as a burden who isn't worth all the trouble. And I start thinking I cannot do this on my own so when my husband says he doesn't really want it to end, I come back. But the next time I have an episode I know it will happen all over again. I know I got myself into this mess but I just start feeling so hopeless. No matter what I do things will always be so hard.. I pick up the pieces and everything seems so wonderful but its like its all fake and it'll all come crashing down. And I know I can be so mean and crazy and do stupid things and I just want it to stop!!!!!!

I feel like I'm a yo yo and eventually my string will just break..

Dear Moxycrayon. I am so sad when I think that any husband could say anything behind his wife's back. I wonder If you know if he has ever gone behind your back and told anyone how precious you are,how much he loves you and how much he wishes he could help you. I think he has serious problems and denies them by focusing on what he thinks are your problems. It seems to me that he has forgotten the marriage vows he swore to honor when you did the honor of saying, "I do." I claim no pride in the so-called manly persona. I really wish I knew how to help. Please love yourself through the love you have for your son. Bless you for sharing; it is not easy . I just wanted to acknowledge your message and let you know that you are NOT alone. Skilite

[moxycrayon]

Thank you both of you for answering. I'm still with him because even though I know he can be very mean and uncaring, it feels so complicated because of my own problems and the fact that we have a young son. I don't know what all he says behind my back, judging by what I've heard some of his friends say about their significant others it makes me think nothing good. But aside from that I suppose I just have this fantasy about having a good relationship still and keeping our family together and when I am manic I convince myself it can happen and work and everything will be ok. When I am manic it is SO easy to listen to every word he says and forget all the bad stuff and just be excited about how wonderful our little family is. Its just hard to let that go I suppose. I just need to get my head on and decide what's best for me and my son. But again thank you.

Hello, moxycrayon. You mentioned you are getting help. I suggest you print copies of your posts for your treatment team. I question whether the treatment you are receiving is adequate.

Are you safe? Do you have a safety plan: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/ste...stic-violence/

Do you think you are being abused? http://psychcentral.com/dvquiz.htm

Good luck.

[Leed]

Hi ~ I have to agree with Byzantine -- I'm not sure your therapist is doing you any good.

Like Byzantine said, show your therapist your post -- that way they'll know how your husband really treats you, and what YOUR feelings are about it.

This husband of yours sounds very immature -- and cruel. You don't HAVE to sit back and take this kind of treatment. You CAN survive on your own, with some determination! No one should be subjected to this kind of verbal abuse. Tell him to knock it off or get out! Your self-esteem is taking a real beating -- and your therapist needs to work with you on that. You don't DESERVE to be treated like this. It sounds like you're putting all the work into the relationship, and he (husband) is not doing anything!

Talk to your therapist about all this. Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Brokenjewellery]

Hello, hope your ok,
I was in a relationship for 9 years with my partner, he has very severe mental health problems and I found it very hard to understand what he was going through, how he felt and what support he needed from me. I always felt like it was my fault when he was distant, nasty, upset, angry, I didn't understand it was always the illness. Is it possible your husband is struggling to understand what your going through? I wish somebody had sat down and discussed and explained it all to me then maybe we wouldn't have fallen apart in the end. Hope your ok, XKim.

[lexie86]

This is a horrible situation, get help for the depression and once you work on your self esteem your going to look back and think what was i thinking, i cannot believe i actually let someone treat me like this!
You are a beautiful person who deserves so much better, not just for you but for your son. Your husband has no respect for you as he would not do these things to you. and if he does not respect you then the love he has for you is not the type you want or deserve.

If you dont love yourself enough then love ypur son enough and leave. Your teaching your child that it is alright for someone to treat you like this, that your not worth anything, and that this type of relationship is alright. So when your son grows up it will be the same for him, because thats what you and your husband have taught him.

Remember your a beautiful person, who deserves better, be strong and find someone who will love you like you deserve and more importantly learn to love yourself!

IF SOMEONE WAS REALLY SORRY AND REALLLY MEANT THERE APOLOGY THEN THEY WOULD NEVER DO THAT THING AGAIN THAT THEY HAD TO BE SORRY FOR!