Is he going back to his wife?

I've been in a relationship with a guy for about 1 1/2 years now. He moved in with me a year ago. Him and his wife have been separated for nearly 2 years. He has 1 child with her whom he pays child support for, and another child whom he acts as father figure to (this child was conceived from an affair she had in 2007....yet they remained together until 2010) I didn't not break up the marriage, however, I did have a brief encounter with him in late 2008 when he lied and told me was separated from her. He told me she had moved out. I later found that she was only out of town, and I received a call from her stating that they were not in fact separated. I left him alone for 1 year.......until he started contacting me again early 2010. We became friends again, and I stupidly became his shoulder to cry on after she finally did move out. Not smart, but I really did like his company. Friends evolved into something more.....yet I felt he was still in love with his wife. I asked him if he was still in love with her, if he could please just tell me, so I could exit from the situation and not get hurt. He insisted that he did not love her, and it was only the pain of her last betrayal that he was holding onto. (in my opinion i thought the birth of another man's kid was the ultimate betrayal...) He was no angel either in the marriage, fyi. I've heard all the nitty gritty details, and wish I could bump my head, and get amnesia. This was obviously not a healthy start for our relationship, but I'm in it now, and not sure what to do. Anyway, here's the facts to this day.....that still lead me to wonder if he might be trying to preserve the tiniest bit of that marriage for some reason (my guess that he still loves her.) Only the past few months have I really probed because he still does not say he loves me......he says he felt some strong feelings a few times, but wants to be sure before he says it. I've been more than patient, and understanding, but time keeps passing, and I wonder if I've just become a place holder or a convenience. He's stayed in my tiny studio apt. paying the bare minimum of expenses because he wanted to pay off his and her debt, and he has child support to pay for 2 other kids......3 total. He tells her that he lives with his guy friend. She sends him emails stating she misses him, that it's hard not to think of him sometimes. She even tried to wish him a happy anniversary, but they've been separated for so long. He tries to tell her to stop sending those emails, but it's not effective. I intervened not too long ago when she sent him a song, and I sent her a picture of him and I, and told her to send her boyfriend a song. That was probably harsh, but I'm so sick of being a secret. He has even told his family that I'm a friend, but admits that they know we're more anyway. He hasn't told her about me because he says she'll take revenge, and demand more child support. When I confessed what I did, he started screaming at me (this was the same night my father lay dying in the hospital, btw) His words: "You're off scott free now, this is my money she's after, not yours. You just want to be left alone, well, when she gets more money out of me, I'm coming after you!" My dad had a few hours left, and all my boyfriend cared about was his money.
Anyway, I foolishly hacked into his email about 2 months ago to find he had saved all her past emails. I knew he had saved some....his reason being that he has proof of events where she was high picking up their kids, or late, and other stuff. Yet, I read no such emails. Dated from around April through Dec.2010 were emails from her asking if she could see him and she misses him and also emails of him saying that he loved her more than anything in the world....how could she do such things to him......and another where he says that he hates everything she did to mess up his life, but what he hates most is that he can't stop loving her......All that time he was trying to be with me, and I'm asking him if he still loved her. I was telling him he should be single, but he insisted he didn't love her and he didn't want to leave me alone. I know I should've been strong and wise enough to just leave him alone, but I didn't for certain reasons. Since I still feel like I'm a secret, he still hasn't filed for divorce (his reason being lack of money, and he doesn't want to go through all that trouble right now), he still doesn't love me, and he often makes comments about "how women are," he can't see that I'm different from his wife and past relationships, he doesn't appreciate what I've helped him through. I feel used, and like he's still hanging onto his wife esp. now that I'm starting to retract all the benefits he's gotten so far. Why do I stay with him? Well, he does nice things too, of course, that I then think he does care for me. We fight a lot though because I have this sneaking suspicion I can't let go of now, and most of the time I don't feel good enough. After a fight though, he apologizes. It's confusing. I wonder if he just doesn't want to be alone, but also doesn't love me, and expects me to settle for that. He even actually said, "We're adults, can't we just be in a relationship, and have fun, why does there have to be love?" Then he partially takes it back, when I'm like," WHAAAA??!!!" I don't get it, and it can be so stressful and exhausting.

This guy is playing you and his ex wife.

It is disgusting that he keeps you as dirty little secret, how dare he do that! You've put up with being a secret for 1 and a half years? Why?

He has never told you he loves you in this time and you stay with him...once again, why?

He has obviously cheated on you with her, you must know this? Surely you know you are worth so much more than what this man is giving you...non stop BS by the sounds of it. Please realize your self worth and save your self esteem, before one day, you wake up and feel so weak from it all that you are too afraid to walk away from this fake of a man...this man who worries more about money than you losing your father...scumbag, he needs kicking to the kerb...let him screw her life up, but NOT yours...walk away and keep your dignity please.

I completely 100% agree with Hoppipolla!
Move on ... you deserve better!

I read your story and he sounds like a jerk. So he has lied to you and everyone else, is using you for a place to stay and sex, and yells at you, doesn't love you, and has kids he has to pay child support for? Child support goes on his income, not yours so for him to use that as an excuse is just another lie. Dig down and find what little self esteem you have left after this guy has sucked almost all of it out, and get rid of him.
Find a nice guy and try to live your dreams, it can happen.

I don't think this guy even knows what he wants, but you should know what YOU want! You deserve a lot more than what this guy can give you. You are independent and you don't need to be going through any of this, especially if he doesn't even love you. Do not put yourself through this... I think you should walk out of this relationship before you get even more hurt. Maybe once he realizes that you are not around any more and that you are moving on, he will realize what you are worth. Good luck!

Hoping you will end this unhealthy relationship ASAP. I see signs of emotional abuse in your story, signs of him using you and your home so he doesn't have to pay the rent elsewhere and no sign that he is actively pursuing a divorce.

You don't trust him - you hacked his email. Relationships don't survive without trust. It is the basic foundation of a healthy relationship.

Kick him out, get some counseling and move on. Life is too short to not live it on your own terms and take care of your own health.

I keep trying to write a lengthy reply, but the site ends up logging me off, and I can't post that reply. I just wanted to say thanks for your honest answers. I stay because of the good things which I left out in my original post. But, I'm thinking that this is probably the beginning of the end. I've felt like it was emotional abuse too. I even told him that. I've experienced verbal and emotional abuse from my mom, and that's precisely why I moved out!! Only to get it again. I must have 'sucker' written across my forehead. I've had people tell me that I have a kind face, and that it can be dangerous because of the type of fools I'll attract. My boyfriend even says I'm too innocent, but when I try to defend myself, boy oh boy, people do not like that either, and somehow he changes his verdict to guilty until proven innocent during our arguments. I was raised to believe that you should extend your hand and help others, but am learning you have to discern the right people who are actually willing to help themselves first. I should've stuck to a strict "I help animals, and ONLY non-human animals policy." They truly appreciate it, and give so much love in return.
Thanks again to you all who are some of the kinder, gentler members of our species.

Yes, You should move on! You need better.

I agree it time to move on believe me you have the strength, I was also in a family that was emotional and physically abusive. My social worker always warned me that I would fall into a marriage were my husband would be like my dad. I ignored hi but he was right I was married for 7yrs worse years of my life but I found the strength to close that vicious circle and I have been single for a year now. Friends here and there but relationships and dating nope.
You have bigger issues you need to fix because right now we both have sucker on our foreheads. So find your strength kick him out and work on you.

Haven't ended it yet. He's been at work all evening, and I feel good. I couldn't sleep last night because his little sleeping noises angered me to the point where I thought I was going to go crazy. He says I don't respect him because I don't let him sleep at night by asking him questions about his marriage and that woman. It's just that I see these patterns of behavior that he has with me, and I want to know if he was like this or that with her. I told him that I believe he has buried feelings for her. He became furious with me, and I was told that I have a tiny brain.........etc. Then he comes to me later, and apologizes, and asks why I'm still mad at him! I suppose asking him questions when he wants to go to sleep is not the wisest thing to do.......but I guess it's the only time where he's not enthralled with his video game. Other times, I want to discuss that topic, and I'm cut off with, "Oh, come on, please don't start." Last week, we had a few good days. I am so attached to him because I feel comfortable with him (which is so important to me because I find it tough to meet new people because of my shyness) He can make me laugh so hard sometimes that I can't breathe. I just can't handle all his baggage though, and he does not take steps to reassure me that I'm valuable to him. I continue to feel as if I'm just a convenience girlfriend. He denies that he still loves his wife, and he insists that he wants to be with me. I have become even more insecure, and find is very difficult to move forward in this relationship for some pretty obvious reasons. I cry often because I feel so stuck. I played Florence Nightingale in the beginning, and stupidly expect him to now show me some support. I have told him numerous times to move out, and that I don't want to be with him anymore. He's the one who just won't leave. I know I could let him go even though it would be difficult at first. When I'm alone, I feel good. It's like his energy is repressive, and I resent him for so much. I know how unhealthy this relationship is, and I also know it's a definite gauge on the work I still need to do in order to have a loving healthy relationship. I just don't know how to get him to go! I don't know how to get him to take me seriously. He doesn't respect women in general, and tries to act pretty macho as if he is superior to me. I know this act proves his weaknesses, but I have no strategy on how to remove him from my life.

This guy is no good for you.

Kick him to the curb and get a cat or dog who will love you honestly and won't play games with your heart.

If you've asked him to leave and he won't - is his name on the lease? If not, you might be able to get help from the landlord to evict him. Or, when your lease is up, find another place and move without him.

I know how difficult the transition is I felt the same way after being married 7 yrs I didn't want to let go I tried everything. Things only got worse I tried leaving many times then our things started to get violent. I finally stopped trying I gave up he wanted me back told me everything I wanted to here, then got angry and the cycle just kept going. So I ended it moved out he is not the only man out there and if he isn't treating you right you can't let him have so much power over your emotions. It will hurt you will get lonely but you need to get your self esteem and be secure with yourself. One day you will find the man who will make you happy. It might take years but don't settle for a relationship that makes you unhappy.

pack up his stuff and put it outside before he sucks all the life out of you. change the lock.