[Bob34]

I had been in a lifeless marriage for 12 years, and had told my wife 2 yrs earlier that I want to separate. But we were still living together. Then I met a girl, whom I fell in love with. Soon after, I moved out of my wife's house into my own. Wife was very angry. She was also saying inappropriate things to our 3 children, which I was worried would badly affect them. She refused to sign Separation papers and threatened suicide. My parents and sisters too were very upset with me for "dumping" my wife (they loved her). In fact, my sisters have not talked to me since I moved out.

My GF and I were in a long distance relationship and met once a month. We were very close. She wanted me to go ahead with the separation and divorce. I wanted to give it some more time, and did not want to force the pace, because of the way my ex-wife and family were behaving.

My relationship with my GF was my first proper romantic relationship. (the one with the wife was hasty). Although I was very happy when with my GF, I started having some doubts when we were apart. These seem like silly doubts now.

Some 8 months ago the stresses became huge, we decided to take a break. She was heartbroken, because she loved me completely and had no doubts at all about me. We both missed each other, and e-mailed and told each other regularly how much we missed each other. But I also told her that I was not sure.

Talking to friends, reading books and meeting other women socially made me realise in about 3 months that my doubts about her were misplaced and silly. I now feel that she is the girl of my dreams. It feels like I was in a fog and did not appreciate her fully. I have pined for her ever since we broke up. I asked her 4 months ago whether we can restart the relationship. I told her how much I loved her and pined for her. But she was not interested, and said she has moved on. I still e-mailed her occasionally.

2 months ago she told me that she is in a new relationship. I was heartbroken, and I told her that. When I asked her for another chance, she said my situation (viz a viz divorce) has not changed; "how come I realised only now that I loved her?" (But I had told her even earlier that I wanted to be with her); and she does not want to be in a long distance relationship. She said it is over.

My questions: 1. How could she fall in love about 4 months after a painful breakup of a close and tender relationship? She knows what pressures I was under, and I had kept in touch with her.

2. I hope to be divorced (in a few months). I will also tell her that I am prepared to move to her town. I wonder whether she will take me back. What is your guess? What are your thoughts about my situation?

That's a difficult situation you're in and I feel for you, but at the same time, I kind of understand her point of view. You were supposedly very close to her, and at the same time were holding her at arm's length saying you weren't sure. That kind of says the opposite of how much you said you were in love with her. You took a break. Not only did you take a break from her, the fact that you were not wanting to "rush" the divorce told her you were getting cold feet which could speak to whether you are committed to her or not.

I understand your thinking completely, I'm just trying to speak to what went on with her. She may have moved on thinking that your being unsure was too much for her to deal with over the long haul, and on top of that it was long distance which doesn't make for an easy relationship. The thing is, if you were questioning at any point, the divorce, regardless of the reasons behind your doubt, it was probably not a good idea to get involved yet. I am separated and in no possible way will I ever get back with my ex (wife) We are to divorce in about 4.5 months. But even though I know I've moved on in my heart, even though I yearn to have another in my life, I am hesitant because I know how complicated it can be that my ex is still not officially gone.

Lastly is that if she was that in love with you how did she move on so quickly? I would question that just as you did. I hate to say it, but if I were you I wouldn't expect her to change her mind. I'd wait for the divorce to be final and find someone new at that point.

hope this helps.

[Leed]

Hi Bob ~ I'm afraid it's all over between you two. Since you weren't sure about the affair and wanted time, she just moved on. She has the right to move on since she figured you weren't really committed to the relationship. So evidently she found someone else.

If I were you, I would NOT bother her with trying to get back with her. She's just going to get angry with you, and you could screw up something good that she has with her new guy and I don't think you really want to do that. Then she'll REALLY hate you! So just leave things alone.

I wish you the very best Bob. I'm sure you'll find someone just as great as she was! God bless you Bob, and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[Bob34]

Thank you, S4 and Leed.