[melinda84]

My Husband and I have only been married for 1 year, but I can't recall ever totally being happy with him when I think about it now. I think I was happy with him when we first started dating, but ever since we got married things just really started to get much worse between us. We have never been able to effectively communicate with each other. We fight on a daily basis pretty much now (mostly due to misunderstandings and cuz we're both stubborn) and I can't take it. I am afraid of staying in this marriage forever cuz I truly believe things will never get better between us and I am not even sure I still love my Husband. He doesn't really ever express his feelings or make me feel loved. I am scared to move out cuz we have so many bills and I don't make a lot of money at my job at the moment. I also don't feel like I have any friends or anyone else that I can count on to help me. I am just so miserable being around my Husband and he never seems to want to leave me alone. We spend waaaay too much time together. He is too dependent on me and it really bothers me. I have told him that too and he always asks me what I want him to do. I am sick of that. I just want him to do what he wants to do and I don't want his entire life to be centered on me. I was his first and only girlfriend and he never really got close to anyone before me so I think that's his biggest problem. I really can't handle the fact that he never hangs out with any friends or family or even goes out anywhere (aside from work) without me. I find it really disturbing and I think he needs to get help for his problems. The issue is that we can't get therapy now cuz we don't have health insurance or the extra money to get it and we won't for at least another few months. I am Independent and I really really need his dependence on me to change. I worry that things will get very bad between us in a few months time and I have been feeling really depressed and I don't have anyone that I can talk to since my friends and family never try to talk to me and they're always distant. I don't know what to do. I think that other perspectives would be helpful on my situation. We have reached the point where I don't even know what I can talk to him about and we have no sex life or intimacy really between us. We have done therapy before, but only a few sessions and it never really seemed to help us much. It seems like my Husband doesn't know how to express himself and he keeps distancing himself from me. He rarely makes the first move to kiss me or have sex with me so it doesn't seem like he wants me, but of course when we do talk he tells me that he does want me and it seems like I don't want him. My Husband always tells me that he needs me and really doesn't want me to leave him, but it's practically all I think about since I am so unhappy with him. I feel like I'm just raising him and that isn't how a marriage should be. He needs to show me that he is capable of handling tasks without having to be asked to do them and he hasn't yet. I have a history of depression and my depression has only gotten worse since my Husband and I got married. I feel like I even pushed my Husband to marry me cuz I'm the only one who really ever brought up marriage in our relationship, but my Husband told me he didn't feel pushed. I feel like I always liked the idea of being married to someone, but my Husband never really felt like the proper fit for me.

[melinda84]

I guess nobody has any advice or words of encouragement for me?

[WillowMoon]

Melinda I can relate with everything you have said... and I understand how overwhelmed you are feeling right now. Your husband seems to have built walls up that make it hard to let people in even if he wants to. He might not know how. It sounds to me that you feel depended on more than loved? and like a mother rather than a partner... how does he feel? have you shared this. It may be hard to knock down these walls and get to the underlying problems that are blocking your progress together as a couple. Intimacy is important on many levels not just sex and communication is key. also allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable to another can be terrifying if we have a past that makes it hard to 100% trust that others wont hurt us. If you need someone who understands... who has been there feel free to message me privately anytime... if anything i am happy to just listen and be supportive... maybe i can share some techniques that have worked for me. Take a deep breath and realize you are not alone... not at all. Many blessings

[Leed]

Bless your heart. I really know what you're going thru, since I felt like that with my first husband, but my parents TOTALLY pushed & pushed me to marry him. I tried breaking up with him, but they were so ANGRY -- I was very young too, only 18. I got married 4 days out of high school. So I basically was "forced" into marrying my first husband. I stayed with him for 26 years, and felt totally trapped. He was angry and abusive.

Why did you marry him -- just to get married? Because everyone else was married? It doesn't really matter -- I was just curious.

Honey, you said in your 'title' you were thinking of separating. Why separate? Why not just divorce since you don't love him. Why stretch it out any longer than you have to? Get it over with and be done with it. I know you don't want to hurt him, but even a separation will hurt him, so just divorce so he can move on. If you have a lot of bills, the divorce decree will take care of that. Depending on where you live, it's usually 50/50.

So just file for divorce sweetie and get it over with. You don't love him so you may as well get out of the marriage rather than be miserable the rest of your life. Take it from one who knows. I know he'll be hurt, but he WILL get over it, and it might force him to grow up and learn to stand on his own two feet rather than rely on someone else to do everything for him. Best of luck my friend, and please take care! Hugs, Lee

[melinda84]

Thanks for the responses. My Husband and I have agreed that we would really like to try to work on our problems and we're going to try to go to a therapist again. WillowMoon, you are very correct. I feel more depended on than loved and more like a Mother than a partner. I have told my Husband all about my feelings so he definitely knows how I feel. He hasn't really shared his feelings much with me. I have asked him to, but he keeps telling me that he doesn't really have anything worthy of sharing. He definitely doesn't want us to get separated or divorced. He seems to be happier overall with the relationship than I am and he doesn't seem to think we're doing as badly as I think. We both suffer from depression which has made things very difficult for us and I think our depression only worsens in the colder months.

Leed, I married him cuz I love him and can't/couldn't imagine my life without him in it (at least I felt that way 1 year ago), but lately I've been questioning whether those feelings are still there. I will admit that I think we rushed into marriage a bit too quickly (became engaged after 9 months of dating and married after 1 year and a 1/2 of dating), but I really want it to work out between us. I do think we both have a lot to learn in order to make things work. I was only going to consider separation to begin with since it's more immediate and I've heard divorce is very expensive. I'm pretty sure that I never want to get married a second time if this marriage doesn't work out so I can't see why it would matter that much.

I would definitely appreciate if you're able to give me any advice.

[Leed]

Well sweetie, if you really want to work things out, you two need to go to couples therapy. You need to learn how to communicate, because right now you AREN'T communicating, especially HIM. He has to learn to express his feelings -- what he wants and doesn't want. Women are alot better at that then men are. Men basically just say "I dont know" and let it go at that. LOL In couples therapy you learn to communicate, but you also learn how to fight fair -- there IS a right & wrong way to fight. So in therapy, you'll learn that too.

I don't know how old you both are, but I think since you got married "quickly" and didn't date very long, that time is going to help too. Your marriage will "mature" and you will too. So along with therapy, that's going to help. The biggest thing you have to know tho is to be patient and KIND with each other. Treat each other as you would a GOOD FRIEND. For instance, you wouldn't call a good friend any names; you wouldn't fly off the handle at a good friend; you wouldn't criticize or berate a good friend. You would treat that friend kindly and with respect. So that's how you need to treat each other.

Make an appointment for couples therapy, ok? You won't regret it. And will you keep us posted as to how you're doing? WE DO care!! Hugs, Lee

[melinda84]

Thanks, Leed! I understand that communication is very important and that's why I really want us both to learn to communicate better. My Husband does just say I don't know a lot and it frustrates me so much. I need him to be able to engage me in our conversations. We both need to improve with it. My Husband is very calm and easy-going so because of that we do end our fights and make up quickly. I also think that overall we haven't had too much fights, but lately it's been worse cuz we both have been under a lot of stress due to our jobs. We are both hoping to find new jobs soon since we're unhappy with our jobs. One of my biggest faults is that I am not a patient person at all. It's really tough for me to wait a very long time for something I need or truly want. My Husband is a lot more patient than I am. We seem like total opposites in some ways. I am currently trying to get an appointment with a Masters level therapist that has lower rates for people without Health Insurance and I hope that we can get one soon. I am afraid that we will just keep falling into the same negative patterns. We never seem to go out together on dates anymore so things have been pretty dull and I really hope we can change that. By the way, I am 28 and my Husband is 31 years old.