[mtroseries]

Hi all. I guess I'll start with the obligatory background. My husband and I have been together for a total of 2 years, we got married in March after having been together for a year and a half. I'm 23, he's 22. Probably everyone says this but it was all good in the beginning. He was very chivalrous, charming. The reason I fell most for him was because we had a very similar vision of the future and I knew we would and could help each other get to this future. Then, something happened, and I'm not really sure what. We'd had minor arguments in the past but we've always been good about coming back together when it's cooled off and discussing what happened and coming to an understanding. He's from Russia originally and went home this summer for a couple of months. When he came back, it was like a whole new person. Suddenly the fighting has escalated. He uses the silent treatment against me when I make him angry. My biggest problem with him is that he is incredibly MESSY. He's getting angry with me all the time because I'm having trouble finding a job. I graduated from college last year and despite looking, and having several interviews, I don't have enough experience for anyone to hire me. I've told him that if he could keep his stuff picked up I would have even more time to look for jobs but whenever I bring that up he just rolls his eyes and basically tells me this concern of mine is not even worth his time listening to. We have fought every single day this last week. For the first time ever he got angry with me and slept on the couch because I refused sex earlier in the week. I had an upset stomach (probably too much Thanksgiving!) and just said maybe we could do it tomorrow...but instead he went stomping off to the couch. Just the other night he flat out told me that my very presence sometimes makes him sick, even when we haven't been fighting or anything.

The final straw that drive me here happened last night. I was busy all day grocery shopping, cleaning our apartment, and other general home duties. He normally gets off of work at 7:30 so by 7:20 I was there to pick him up. I think I should mention that he doesn't have a car or driver's license mostly due to being Russian, we are working on his learner's permit currently. He was standing by the entrance smoking and looked pissed. I walked over to him, still not sure how to react due to our discussion the other day and not really hashing things out. He put his arm around my shoulder, pulled me close, and said "Do you ever check your phone?" I made a surprised face, being surprised, and whipped my phone out. 5 calls, starting an hour ago. I asked him if he had gotten off early and he said yes. It's also fair to mention here that he doesn't own a phone either and has called me maybe twice in the whole time we've known each other, so this was incredibly unexpected. I pertty much always keep my phone on vibrate because I don't want the ringer going off randomly. I grimaced a little and said, "Well, I guess let's go home then. Dinner's almost ready." He flew into a rage. He shouted at me about not being apologetic and how I was ignoring him and what I had done was incredibly rude. By then a few coworkers were nearby so I was trying to hurry out to the car but of course he got angry at this too. I went on the defensive and shouted at him about not even owning a phone and never calling me anyway. So we got home. I finished dinner. By the time dinner was done I had decided he had a good point, I hadn't explicitly said I was sorry. So I went into the bedroom where he was laying down and told him that he was right. I said, "You had a good point. I am sorry that I didn't get your call. I will try to keep my phone on a low volume from now on." No response. And that's how it's been since last night. He's giving me the silent treatment again even though I didn't call him any names and came and apologized. He even got up early this morning to walk back to campus (he's a master's student) instead of having me drive him like usual. Ever since he came back in July I've felt this steady decline in our relationship and I don't know what to do. All he talks about any more is getting a divorce. I even mentioned counseling and he said he doesn't believe in that. As far as I can tell we're headed for a divorce and it's not what I want at all. I can't believe I might be divorced after being married for less than a year. I feel like all of my issues with him are so mior compared to his with me. I've never just plain felt sick of his presence. I feel like he's messy, like he's a picky eater, and a bit of a work-a-holic. All of those are workable and work-around-able. But how do you fix it when someone is just plain tired of you?

[Leed]

I have a feeling that the culture difference probably has a LOT to do with it. In Russia, from what I gather, the women are pretty much 2nd class citizens according to their husbands. From what I've read, they're at their husband's beck and call, and do just about everything -- with NO help from the husband. He can sit there and trash the house, but she'd better clean it up with no griping about it!! That's her JOB. Now, I'm not saying that women haven't come a long way in Russia. There are women who have entered the work force and become executives -- they aren't just in the factories working 18 hrs shifts. But many still do work terrible jobs and get paid less that what we call minimum wages.

So I'm wondering if his trip back to Russia just reminded him of what a woman's job is "supposed" to be in the home, according to Russian standards -- and that's what HE wants. Well, sorry Charlie but he shouldn't have married an American woman!

Unless you want to severely lower your standards and become a work horse and be at his beck and call at all times including in the bedroom, I'm afraid you ARE headed for a divorce. Now I could be ALL WET as far as what's happening, but I'd bet my bottom dollar on it. I wish you the very best sweetie. I hope you can find a guy who is AMERICAN and who treats you with the respect you deserve, is helpful, loves and cares for you, and won't treat you like a work horse! LOL God bless. Hugs, Lee