[geez]

I married a man who is a great father to our children and very supportive of me. We however: have nothing in common other than our children. He accepts that we are two different people doing our own thing.

I feel no spark for him nor have I ever felt a big spark - more like a friendship.
I married him because I was looking for someone stable not necessarily someone I had a spark with. I feel like I settled. When I met my husband I was 'surviving' and had really low self esteem (still working on esteem and I'm in therapy).

I feel so awful for saying all of this. I feel like a horrible person that has ruined two lives. I feel like if I go for a separation (something I can't do at the moment) I'm going to ruin two more lives besides my husbands because we have two children.

I feel sick to my stomach

OOPS I meant to post this in the relationship section!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[continuosly blue]

I guess you unconciously posted to where you really wanted it to go. You did'nt say how long you have been married. Not that it matters, I'm going on 40 yr's and still uncertain. My situation is similar in that " the spark " has long been gone. We married young and were just in an addiction and obsessive compulsive relationship.
Don't feel guilty for saying what you really feel. Some people NEVER get to know ,much less share,how they really feel.

Hang in there,
the best is yet to come.

continuosly blue

I

[Leed]

Sounds familiar. I was basically pushed into marriage at 18 (no, I wasn't pregnant) and I didn't "love" him. We'd been going together for 3 years and my parents said his family was "too good a family" for me to not marry him so they said I had to marry him. I was so naive -- well, it doesn't really matter now. I stayed in that marriage for 26 years, even tho he was emotionally abusive.

There wasn't any spark, and never was. I also had 2 kids.

I waited til the youngest turned 18 and then filed for divorce.

He stalked me for a very long time - called me in the middle of the night all the time. It went on so long I had to move out of town - he didn't know where I lived. He was really upset.

I wish I knew what to tell you. But I couldn't live the lie any longer. Besides, he was being abusive. I'd been in a mental hospital once. So I'd had enough.

I wish you the very best. You have to decide if living a lie is better than "ruining" two lives. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[geez]

Originally Posted by continuosly blue

I guess you unconciously posted to where you really wanted it to go. You did'nt say how long you have been married. Not that it matters, I'm going on 40 yr's and still uncertain. My situation is similar in that " the spark " has long been gone. We married young and were just in an addiction and obsessive compulsive relationship.
Don't feel guilty for saying what you really feel. Some people NEVER get to know ,much less share,how they really feel.

Hang in there,
the best is yet to come.

continuosly blue

I

My husband and I have been married for 11 years and together for 14. I am 40 years old. I'm going to work on the marriage hoping that we can spark something? Hope it's not wishful thinking. I am doing this for my kids sake and hoping that it all works out. I do have a 'good egg' it's just the feelings aren't there. I'm hoping to foster something. Wish me luck!!!

[Open Eyes]

(((geez))),

What many people don't realize is that even "with a spark" these doubts present in "most" marriages. Part of this is because we all continue to "grow" as we age, and in that we get to "know who we are" more and more.

What happens is many tend to marry in their 20's and that is still very young and at that time in our lives our bodies are all geared up to "reproduce" as well. And many women will pick a man they "feel safe with" and consider him to be "dependable" so that the "main course" of her having children, a home, and a sense of trust will all be there.

Most of the marriage for a while consists of "work and raising the children" and it keeps each partner very busy. However, as the children get "closer" to leaving the nest and things start to slow down, both of the parents start to think about "themselves" and also realize how they are suddenly "older" too. But all that time they were working and raising their children, they were also "learning" as well, and they were learning how much they "could do" and "achieve". But still something is missing somehow, "self fulfillment".

Geez, when my daughter was graduating her friends parents were getting divorced. I overheard many of her friends talking about this and all feeling "betrayed" somehow.
The majority of the parents were in their 40's as well. So you are not alone in struggling with this. So it got to be not who was graduating, but who was getting divorced. And many of these parents were also in "marriage counceling" as well.

And you are "right" about being concerned about your children, I am not going to lie, they "do" take it hard and when they see this happen they wonder if this whole marriage part of life really works out. Remember we all like to think there are "happy endings" and we often want to think our parents will always be "our parents together".

I can't really tell you how to "decide" what "you" are going to do, or what is best for you. But I just wanted to let you know that you are "not alone" in being challenged with these feelings. There always "is" a possibility that you many never find another person that brings on "the spark" you feel you are missing as well. Some people do find it and some just dont and some make the break, get past this challenge and regret parting ways too, some are happy they made the break. Each person is different. It is important you make sure of your own feelings and don't just act impulsively. However it sounds like you are working this out with a T, which is the responsible way to go.

Open Eyes

[continuosly blue]

Originally Posted by geez

My husband and I have been married for 11 years and together for 14. I am 40 years old. I'm going to work on the marriage hoping that we can spark something? Hope it's not wishful thinking. I am doing this for my kids sake and hoping that it all works out. I do have a 'good egg' it's just the feelings aren't there. I'm hoping to foster something. Wish me luck!!!

I wish you the best !
cb

[continuosly blue]

Originally Posted by Leed

Sounds familiar. I was basically pushed into marriage at 18 (no, I wasn't pregnant) and I didn't "love" him. We'd been going together for 3 years and my parents said his family was "too good a family" for me to not marry him so they said I had to marry him. I was so naive -- well, it doesn't really matter now. I stayed in that marriage for 26 years, even tho he was emotionally abusive.

There wasn't any spark, and never was. I also had 2 kids.

I waited til the youngest turned 18 and then filed for divorce.

He stalked me for a very long time - called me in the middle of the night all the time. It went on so long I had to move out of town - he didn't know where I lived. He was really upset.

I wish I knew what to tell you. But I couldn't live the lie any longer. Besides, he was being abusive. I'd been in a mental hospital once. So I'd had enough.

I wish you the very best. You have to decide if living a lie is better than "ruining" two lives. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

What you say is SO true. How long can I live a lie!
May you find some happiness.

with much feelings,
cb

[continuosly blue]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

(((geez))),

What many people don't realize is that even "with a spark" these doubts present in "most" marriages. Part of this is because we all continue to "grow" as we age, and in that we get to "know who we are" more and more.

What happens is many tend to marry in their 20's and that is still very young and at that time in our lives our bodies are all geared up to "reproduce" as well. And many women will pick a man they "feel safe with" and consider him to be "dependable" so that the "main course" of her having children, a home, and a sense of trust will all be there.

Most of the marriage for a while consists of "work and raising the children" and it keeps each partner very busy. However, as the children get "closer" to leaving the nest and things start to slow down, both of the parents start to think about "themselves" and also realize how they are suddenly "older" too. But all that time they were working and raising their children, they were also "learning" as well, and they were learning how much they "could do" and "achieve". But still something is missing somehow, "self fulfillment".

Geez, when my daughter was graduating her friends parents were getting divorced. I overheard many of her friends talking about this and all feeling "betrayed" somehow.
The majority of the parents were in their 40's as well. So you are not alone in struggling with this. So it got to be not who was graduating, but who was getting divorced. And many of these parents were also in "marriage counceling" as well.

And you are "right" about being concerned about your children, I am not going to lie, they "do" take it hard and when they see this happen they wonder if this whole marriage part of life really works out. Remember we all like to think there are "happy endings" and we often want to think our parents will always be "our parents together".

I can't really tell you how to "decide" what "you" are going to do, or what is best for you. But I just wanted to let you know that you are "not alone" in being challenged with these feelings. There always "is" a possibility that you many never find another person that brings on "the spark" you feel you are missing as well. Some people do find it and some just dont and some make the break, get past this challenge and regret parting ways too, some are happy they made the break. Each person is different. It is important you make sure of your own feelings and don't just act impulsively. However it sounds like you are working this out with a T, which is the responsible way to go.

Open Eyes

Hi open eyes,
Just wanted to confirm much of what you have said here. Now that I am older I realize that while I was trying to understand myself life passed me by ! Your right, the kids , the working IS your life until the kids are gone, I am in so much pain I can't work anymore so I sit home alone and try to know myself. Unfortunatly my wife still is working and is on her own path. You know, sometimes I think this is mother natures nasty trick on us.

regards,
cb

[geez]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

(((geez))),

What many people don't realize is that even "with a spark" these doubts present in "most" marriages. Part of this is because we all continue to "grow" as we age, and in that we get to "know who we are" more and more.

What happens is many tend to marry in their 20's and that is still very young and at that time in our lives our bodies are all geared up to "reproduce" as well. And many women will pick a man they "feel safe with" and consider him to be "dependable" so that the "main course" of her having children, a home, and a sense of trust will all be there.

Most of the marriage for a while consists of "work and raising the children" and it keeps each partner very busy. However, as the children get "closer" to leaving the nest and things start to slow down, both of the parents start to think about "themselves" and also realize how they are suddenly "older" too. But all that time they were working and raising their children, they were also "learning" as well, and they were learning how much they "could do" and "achieve". But still something is missing somehow, "self fulfillment".

Geez, when my daughter was graduating her friends parents were getting divorced. I overheard many of her friends talking about this and all feeling "betrayed" somehow.
The majority of the parents were in their 40's as well. So you are not alone in struggling with this. So it got to be not who was graduating, but who was getting divorced. And many of these parents were also in "marriage counceling" as well.

And you are "right" about being concerned about your children, I am not going to lie, they "do" take it hard and when they see this happen they wonder if this whole marriage part of life really works out. Remember we all like to think there are "happy endings" and we often want to think our parents will always be "our parents together".

I can't really tell you how to "decide" what "you" are going to do, or what is best for you. But I just wanted to let you know that you are "not alone" in being challenged with these feelings. There always "is" a possibility that you many never find another person that brings on "the spark" you feel you are missing as well. Some people do find it and some just dont and some make the break, get past this challenge and regret parting ways too, some are happy they made the break. Each person is different. It is important you make sure of your own feelings and don't just act impulsively. However it sounds like you are working this out with a T, which is the responsible way to go.

Open Eyes

I needed to hear that. I guess I assumed that everyone who makes a 'break for it' ends up finding what they want. I have young children age 3 and 7 and my goal is to work really, really, really hard on my marriage and hope things work out and I'm happy.

[cluelesscher]

(hug)

i have the exact same feelings about knowing i married for dependability and security over all, overlooking major red flags. now am dealing with the consequences. i too feel guilty when i admit that i did so and also feel like i ruined his life.

at the same time, i just want out. but my guilt keeps me from leaving. we are older and have no kids. it doesn't just happen to those in their 20s. i think part of my issue honestly was feeling like i had to get married, i was in my 30s and thought if i didn't marry soon and have kids i would miss the train. how misguided was i. now i'm in a loveless marriage with no desire to have children with this person. oh well, you live and learn.

<3

[continuosly blue]

Originally Posted by cluelesscher

(hug)

i have the exact same feelings about knowing i married for dependability and security over all, overlooking major red flags. now am dealing with the consequences. i too feel guilty when i admit that i did so and also feel like i ruined his life.

at the same time, i just want out. but my guilt keeps me from leaving. we are older and have no kids. it doesn't just happen to those in their 20s. i think part of my issue honestly was feeling like i had to get married, i was in my 30s and thought if i didn't marry soon and have kids i would miss the train. how misguided was i. now i'm in a loveless marriage with no desire to have children with this person. oh well, you live and learn.

<3

Hi Clue, Don't feel alone. I am an older guy who got married in my 20's all for the wrong reasons. Now 40 yrs and two grown children later it's over. There is no love left. What a cruel trick mother nature plays on us.
I hope things work out for you.

cb