[wounded1]

I was so upset last night reliving all the hurt my husband has caused me over the last ten years that I sent him a nasty email while he was at work. I even called him a lousy father for what he's done to our family. I told him that the day before yesterday I felt sorry for him, but yesterday I hated him and wished I had never met him. We don't talk, he can't communicate face to face (never has), although he has said he's sorry for everything and all the hurt he's caused via email. I have always tried to hurt him back with my words, which I know isn't the right thing to do. He has just hurt me so badly and I get so angry sometimes (actually for the last five years it seems all I've ever been is angry!). And I've always felt that I have the right to tell him how I feel.

I know it's normal to have emotions all over the map during a separation and eventual divorce, but I wish I could turn my brain off for a bit. And I know that in spite of everything he's done I'm not being fair to him. It's very difficult that we still live together. I just wonder if there's a way to make this process easier? I tried talking to him face to face a few days ago, but once again it was me monologuing and him saying "I don't have the words." I guess I just want answers: Why didn't he try? Why did it have to get to this point? And the unanswerable question: Why didn't he love me? In ten years I haven't gotten any answers, I don't know why I'm expecting any now.

(anyone wondering what the 'back story" is to all this can read my thread "How long do you take the high road?")

Thank you for letting me express my hurt.

[Leed]

Have you filed for divorce yet? I think it's time. My "ex" and I used one of the "cheaper" lawyers in a mall. LOL I don't know if they even have them anymore. But can you believe that my ex and I used the SAME LAWYER? !! We were in agreement about everything, since we worked it out ahead of time. We wrote everything down that we had agree upon, went to the lawyer and that was that! And it was MUCH cheaper than going to a "regular" lawyer in their expensive offices. lol I think we paid something like $250.00 for the whole thing! But we didn't have minor children either. So that makes a difference.

If I were you , I'd at least file and get the divorce in motion. That IS what you want to do, correct? Your husband isn't likely to change from the sounds of it. Have you asked him about counseling? If so, did he refuse? It would certainly help if he would go. But if you're fed up, there's no point.

Can you move in with family or friends until you can find a place of your own? You would be much happier if you weren't in the same home. It's just putting unneeded stress on everyone. I know the kids will be unhappy, but they're not happy now, I'm sure. They know something is up. Kids are very attentive, and they know when things aren't right. But they're also very resilient -- they'll bounce back after the divorce. They may need counseling, but they may not too, as long as they can see their Dad weekly, depending on the visitation schedule.

I wish you the very best. I hope you get things in motion soon. Please take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee