[inmentaldebate]

Hi, I hope you guys can help clear my mind and help me decide and feel right about my decision, so any opinions are welcome.
Here goes.... I am a 40 yo father of two (7 & 12). My marriage/ relationship ended 4 yrs ago after 19 years, yes married young. I am a farm manager. My ex wife and I now live at least 3.5 hours apart and the children are with her mostly.
I had to move away back to our home district to find employment as there was none in the area where she choose to stay.Trying to maintain reasonable frequent contact is financially crippling and puts enormous constraints on where I can work.
My life feels on hold until my children grow up, My ex is controlling and manipulative and uses the children to attempt to still control me.
Through very unfortunate circumstances my last position ended and I am now between jobs, I have just secured a new position, trying a career change. This change however will further constrain my ability to seen my children and I am not looking forward to it at all, which I should be really. I am forced at present due to financial situation to live with my mother, and miss my independence and this new position will not provide enough income for those circumstances to change hence my lack of enthusiasm I suppose. I have always aspired to be 100% father and this was the largest pain in my wife ending our marriage. She really seems to hate and resent me and am sure her aim has been all along to push me out of the children's lives. I am torn because she may succeed, not fully, but partly. At this point in my life I am very dissatisfied and frustrated with my life, I have worked hard and forgotten to enjoy what life did have to offer, I need to start. I have know a woman since September last year, I am certain she is the one for me, my soul mate. I have never felt so right and in love with someone. But and the big but is, its a long distance relationship at present. I so want to move to be with her, it is all I dream of, I have employment options where she is, would have a life of love and fulfillment of which my marriage never provided. The catch being that I would have to see my children less, but it would be quality time not the stressed out, expensive travelling of 800 km every third weekend for a under two days together. Most people say to me, stop doing everything for everyone else my family support my move, but I have this overwhelming guilt that I am abandoning my kids... god it's hard. let me know what you think guys it will be most valuable to me good or bad....
Cheers in advance

[Leed]

I know this is a hard decision for you, and I can tell you're really upset and stressed out about this. It's unfortunate that your ex is using the children as pawns to upset you even more. I don't understand people who divorce and use children like this. It's childish and it's cruel. And it certainly is not doing the children any good.

I hope you have actually MET this woman that you're in love with, since you say this is a "long distance" relationship. Some people get in these relationships and don't even meet until they decide to move in with each other. I hope you know what it would be like to live together, if that's what you intend to do. I hope you know her "quirks" and habits, good and bad. These things are important to know before you move in. Who knows -- she might drive you insane!!!

But if you think that she's "the one" -- I say go for it. Yes, I know you won't see your children as often, but you can't stop living. Just make SURE that you make EVERY EFFORT to see the kids as often as you can, and do NOT skip any visits when the times come. I don't care what the excuse would be, don't skip visits!! These kids are going to need you even more since your visits are going to be less often. And make sure you remember all birthdays & holidays with cards, calls, etc.

I wish you the very best. I hope things work out between you. God bless and keep us posted, okay? Hugs, Lee

[inmentaldebate]

Thank you for you good and kind advice, alas all for nought as my girlfriend ended things yesterday.... now stress and hurting in a different way. Unfortunately gave her my heart and soul, I am really lost now.......
I truly believe she was my soul mate, I will never forget or stop wishing for her.

[Leed]

I'm so sorry ~ what happened? Do you want to talk about it? Would it help? I don't understand why she broke up with you so suddenly.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you. Please take care of YOU and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[tired all the time]

I think you should make the move closer to your girl friend. The best thing you can offer to your children is being a happy and healthy person that loves them. You will also be able to support them financially. Seeing you happy will make them happy. Because when you do see them you will have so much more to offer emotionally. You have to take care of your heart for your heart to be able to take care of them. Good Luck!

Originally Posted by inmentaldebate

Hi, I hope you guys can help clear my mind and help me decide and feel right about my decision, so any opinions are welcome.
Here goes.... I am a 40 yo father of two (7 & 12). My marriage/ relationship ended 4 yrs ago after 19 years, yes married young. I am a farm manager. My ex wife and I now live at least 3.5 hours apart and the children are with her mostly.
I had to move away back to our home district to find employment as there was none in the area where she choose to stay.Trying to maintain reasonable frequent contact is financially crippling and puts enormous constraints on where I can work.
My life feels on hold until my children grow up, My ex is controlling and manipulative and uses the children to attempt to still control me.
Through very unfortunate circumstances my last position ended and I am now between jobs, I have just secured a new position, trying a career change. This change however will further constrain my ability to seen my children and I am not looking forward to it at all, which I should be really. I am forced at present due to financial situation to live with my mother, and miss my independence and this new position will not provide enough income for those circumstances to change hence my lack of enthusiasm I suppose. I have always aspired to be 100% father and this was the largest pain in my wife ending our marriage. She really seems to hate and resent me and am sure her aim has been all along to push me out of the children's lives. I am torn because she may succeed, not fully, but partly. At this point in my life I am very dissatisfied and frustrated with my life, I have worked hard and forgotten to enjoy what life did have to offer, I need to start. I have know a woman since September last year, I am certain she is the one for me, my soul mate. I have never felt so right and in love with someone. But and the big but is, its a long distance relationship at present. I so want to move to be with her, it is all I dream of, I have employment options where she is, would have a life of love and fulfillment of which my marriage never provided. The catch being that I would have to see my children less, but it would be quality time not the stressed out, expensive travelling of 800 km every third weekend for a under two days together. Most people say to me, stop doing everything for everyone else my family support my move, but I have this overwhelming guilt that I am abandoning my kids... god it's hard. let me know what you think guys it will be most valuable to me good or bad....
Cheers in advance