[wounded1]

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. After ten years of marriage, I have decided to leave my husband. He is not abusive, but the things he's done have hurt me over and over. I figured out years ago that he was most likey sexually abused at some point in his childhood. Initially, when we were "courting" he was a great communicator (he had to be, we had a long distance relationship). Very early on in our marriage, he shut down and the relationship became very one sided. Our talks consisted of my monologues. He would literally stare at me while I talked and then walk away saying NOTHING, not one word. There was never any empathy for what I was going through, never any attempt at seeing how he was making me feel. I've never felt as though he was my friend. I stayed through a months long "cyber-affair" I discovered he was having after the birth of our second son. Stayed after I discovered him setting up a secret email to correspond with other women while I was pregnant with our daughter. This week I discovered a profile he posted on a website looking for sexual partners (other men and couples) that he created while we were separated a few months ago (separated but living in the same house with our three kids). He has never worked at this relationship, it has always been me hoping that if I loved him enough that the "movie moment" (when your partner has an epiphany and realizes how much they've hurt you and does everything in their power to try and fix things) would happen. Instead his spent ten years blaming my anger, justifying and most of all lying. I have asked him time and time again to get help for his issues, but I think it's just too painful for him. He has gained a little insight to his behavior, he thinks his problem is that he seeks "mood altering" experiences (it was drugs and alcohol in his younger years). Once again, he isn't seeing the forest for the trees and thinks good intentions are enough. While I'm glad he's moving in the right direction, I don't know if I can be there for him. As difficult as it is, the time has come to leave. The hurt he's caused has changed me, and I need to heal. He has cut himself off from everyone over the years. He has no friends and barely talks to his family. Do I still offer him my friendship? I still love him and he is the father of my children. I'm a "fixer" and although I know I can't help him, I can't help but feel that turning my back on him altogether is not the right thing to do.

[unaluna]

Other men and couples? What does he say about that? What do you think about that?

[wounded1]

Originally Posted by hankster

Other men and couples? What does he say about that? What do you think about that?

I have always known about his sexual curiosity. I know that at some point in his childhood he was sexually molested. He has all the earmarks of an abused child. This doesn’t come from Criminal Minds or any other crime show, it comes from the things he's let slip over the years (usually while drunk and always denied the next day) and his reactions to various circumstances. He chose to work in childcare just out of highschool (not an obvious choice for a male), out of a need to protect children I would guess. He has questioned his sexuality, probably because he became aroused during his abuse. I am guessing that he did tell someone, and instead of offering help they swept it under a rug. Or maybe he didn’t tell anyone, but suspected they knew and did nothing. Either way at some point he decided that he was going to put up walls so no one could ever hurt him again. And he sunk in to depression and has stayed there ever since. The excitement he craves is his way of feeling alive because a part of him is dead inside. No one can reach him, no one can help him because he can’t admit what’s happened. At various points in his life he's self medicated with drugs, alcohol, porn or taboo sex. I feel he thinks the world owes him something for what he endured and thus his needs have always come first. He feel no empathy for others because he thinks nothing compares to the pain he carries. He has isolated himself because it’s easier and safe. He lies as easily as he tells the truth. First and foremost he needs the world to believe that he is okay, even if that means weaving a tangled web of deception. None of this will ever change until he has the strength to face his demons.

[Leed]

You say turning your back on him wouldn't be right, but you CANNOT fix him, so what do you mean? I know you said you planned on leaving him but are you going to divorce him? I hope so for YOUR sake -- get OUT of the house. Take the children, find a new life and hopefully find someone who wlll love YOU like you deserve to be loved and cared for -- and respected and cherished.

I hope you're not planning on "separating" but living in the same house like many people do. That's just plain insane. It's not healthy and it provides no room for a new life.

Anyway, you're probably right about past abuse. My late husband was abused as a child too, but he didn't act like that. He wasn't talkative until he met me, and then I was the first person he ever told about his abuse -- and he'd been married before!!! He just fell apart one day, and told me all about it -- and of course he was abused by a family member like most children are. He did get help for it, thank God and learned to deal/cope. I hope your husband will do the same.

Best of luck and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Torani]

Hi wounded... I feel for you and hope the best for you and your husband. You say he has hurt you over and over again. I do think you need time to heal, with out healing resentment builds and builds. Take the time to make yourself healthy. Your children need a stable parent and that sounds like you. You can still love, support your husband at a safe distance.

If your sexual prefernces do not align with his, meaning, your not ok with the cyber affairs, interest in couples or etc... then its going to be difficult to stick around in the middle of all that and try to heal and repair. even if he stopped doing all that today, its still hard to heal how its hurt you.

I also feel for your husband. He was hurt and it seems to be affecting his life as an adult.

He needs to get help from a professional to work through it. Sounds like that might be to hard for him to address. You can not make him want to make changes only he can want that for himself and family.

I can imagine this is hard on you... You are not alone wounded.... Keep your head up, do what you need to heal your hurts.... Your worth the effort and your kids need you healthy to...

I would praise your husbands efforts to make changes, but all that can be done at a distance if you need some time to heal. That is NOT turning your back on him...

[wounded1]

I don't share his sexual "curiosities" Torani, a point I have made very clear before and during our marriage. He has never pushed the issue, but only made passing remarks or jokes about "if I wanted to seek something outside our relationship he would be okay with that" (which was hurtful in itself). I think he was just looking for me to give him permission to explore his own needs. We have always had a great (although sporatic due to our emotional issues) sex life, and I honestly don't think his curiosity in that area has anything to do with his preferences, rather it seems to be a quest for the next "high".

I do need to heal, and I can not do that living with him. What tears me up is the affect it will have on our three kids. Our eldest at nine is so sensitive. Our middle one is already struggling through second grade and our four year old little girl is absolutely in love with her father. But I know that the environment they're been living in for the last few years especially is not a healthy one. I am angry and resentful and although I try my best, it inevitably comes out on them. They deserve a happy, healthy mom, and I deserve peace.

Thank you to all of you here for your support. I can't tell you all how grateful I am to this site and these boards. This is not the first time you all have helped me maintain my sanity!

You do deserve peace, first of all. I don't blame you at all and I commend you for putting up with his indiscretions for so long. Abuse or not, repeated infidelity such as he has done is going to wear on your ability to endure. Even with addicts of any sort there has to be a point where, if they are not willing to change, no one can help them. Put an unwiling drug addict in rehab and it likely will not help and they'll return to the habit as soon as it's over. Him being aware of his issues are all well and good but as I've said to someone earlier today, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" and whether you believe in a real "hell" or just figuratively, the saying still rings true. If he's aware of his issues and does nothing, nothing will change. You can't do anything to make him change. After 10 years of this I think you've done plenty to give him chances to fix things, which by the way, I'm sure you already know, you can't do for him.

I think that your thinking is straight on this and even if it were turning your back on him, I don't know if that's so bad, he has turned his back on you for a long time, by ignoring your wishes and pursuing his "highs"

Wow this isgoing to be interesting for me.
Reading your post is practically a mirror image of my life. I did all of the things your husband did to you to my wife, we have one daughter who adores me.
I was NOT sexually abused, but was born to older parents and my dad had his first heart attack when I was in kindergarten, he was like 48 or 49. He was in the hospital for many weeks and Iwas told as little as possible. I began turning inward and self soothing at a very young age.
My father continued to have health problems over the years and I was mad at God for that. He had his right leg amputated when I was 11. More surgery. We were not close, no hugs or big expressions of love. Mom was distant and resentful because she had to start working two jobs to pay medical bills.
As I grew older I internalized my pain and covered it up with drugs, alcohol, and porn. Back then there was no internet so it was not easy to be so young and get it. But I found a way.
After high school my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimers. Now I am taking care of sick parents, working, partying, stealing, lying, and hiding my pain behind all of that.
I always had a girlfriend cause I was obsessed with sex. I cheated on them. I met the most wonderful woman and married her. It was like I was in remission for a while!
But because I did not stick with therapy, I would go in and out of depression, and internalized it, never talked to the one person who cared most, my wife.
It all ended in August when I found myself 'loving' another woman in an online adult video virtual reality game.
I crashed and burned then. I moved out so we would stop fighting in front of our daughter.
I destroyed my family....and for what?!?
Your husband is internalizing a lot and until he comes to grips with that he will be forever lost in it!
I hate what I became and how it destroyed my family. I am telling you this to let you know that you are worth so much as a mom and you have to be healthy for those kids! As much s it hurts now, time will heal you. If he chooses to get REAL help thru therapy and probably a good Psychiatrist, then be his friend and make sure he sees his kids. My ex is so very kind to me...I see my daughter or talk to her many days each week.
Again...YOU are worth so much more than this and dont let anyone tell you otherwise!
Your husband needs the same professional help I am getting.
I pray he gets it!
I am more than willing to share more if needed. Its hard to be honest and open about it, but the truth sets you free!
I wish you all the best. NEVER give up!

[wounded1]

Originally Posted by SpiritOfAStorm

Wow this isgoing to be interesting for me.
Reading your post is practically a mirror image of my life. I did all of the things your husband did to you to my wife, we have one daughter who adores me.
I was NOT sexually abused, but was born to older parents and my dad had his first heart attack when I was in kindergarten, he was like 48 or 49. He was in the hospital for many weeks and Iwas told as little as possible. I began turning inward and self soothing at a very young age.
My father continued to have health problems over the years and I was mad at God for that. He had his right leg amputated when I was 11. More surgery. We were not close, no hugs or big expressions of love. Mom was distant and resentful because she had to start working two jobs to pay medical bills.
As I grew older I internalized my pain and covered it up with drugs, alcohol, and porn. Back then there was no internet so it was not easy to be so young and get it. But I found a way.
After high school my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimers. Now I am taking care of sick parents, working, partying, stealing, lying, and hiding my pain behind all of that.
I always had a girlfriend cause I was obsessed with sex. I cheated on them. I met the most wonderful woman and married her. It was like I was in remission for a while!
But because I did not stick with therapy, I would go in and out of depression, and internalized it, never talked to the one person who cared most, my wife.
It all ended in August when I found myself 'loving' another woman in an online adult video virtual reality game.
I crashed and burned then. I moved out so we would stop fighting in front of our daughter.
I destroyed my family....and for what?!?
Your husband is internalizing a lot and until he comes to grips with that he will be forever lost in it!
I hate what I became and how it destroyed my family. I am telling you this to let you know that you are worth so much as a mom and you have to be healthy for those kids! As much s it hurts now, time will heal you. If he chooses to get REAL help thru therapy and probably a good Psychiatrist, then be his friend and make sure he sees his kids. My ex is so very kind to me...I see my daughter or talk to her many days each week.
Again...YOU are worth so much more than this and dont let anyone tell you otherwise!
Your husband needs the same professional help I am getting.
I pray he gets it!
I am more than willing to share more if needed. Its hard to be honest and open about it, but the truth sets you free!
I wish you all the best. NEVER give up!

Thank you so much for this. I appreciate your words more than you know. My husband has a passive aggressive personality disorder (which I just figured out now that I'm leaving!), so not only will he not look inside to clearly see his issues, he refuses to accept any help or opinions I offer. That's the hardest part. I'm a "fixer", and I know if he could just GET HELP his life would be so much happier. Maybe we could even have a relationship somewhere down the road. Right now, the damage he's caused is just too extensive. I need to get emotionally healthy and take my life back. I have always known that I deserve happiness.

I wish you luck in your journey. Your daughter is lucky that she has a dad who loves her enough to want to make changes within himself.

[wounded1]

Originally Posted by SpiritOfAStorm

Wow this isgoing to be interesting for me.
Reading your post is practically a mirror image of my life. I did all of the things your husband did to you to my wife, we have one daughter who adores me.
I was NOT sexually abused, but was born to older parents and my dad had his first heart attack when I was in kindergarten, he was like 48 or 49. He was in the hospital for many weeks and Iwas told as little as possible. I began turning inward and self soothing at a very young age.
My father continued to have health problems over the years and I was mad at God for that. He had his right leg amputated when I was 11. More surgery. We were not close, no hugs or big expressions of love. Mom was distant and resentful because she had to start working two jobs to pay medical bills.
As I grew older I internalized my pain and covered it up with drugs, alcohol, and porn. Back then there was no internet so it was not easy to be so young and get it. But I found a way.
After high school my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimers. Now I am taking care of sick parents, working, partying, stealing, lying, and hiding my pain behind all of that.
I always had a girlfriend cause I was obsessed with sex. I cheated on them. I met the most wonderful woman and married her. It was like I was in remission for a while!
But because I did not stick with therapy, I would go in and out of depression, and internalized it, never talked to the one person who cared most, my wife.
It all ended in August when I found myself 'loving' another woman in an online adult video virtual reality game.
I crashed and burned then. I moved out so we would stop fighting in front of our daughter.
I destroyed my family....and for what?!?
Your husband is internalizing a lot and until he comes to grips with that he will be forever lost in it!
I hate what I became and how it destroyed my family. I am telling you this to let you know that you are worth so much as a mom and you have to be healthy for those kids! As much s it hurts now, time will heal you. If he chooses to get REAL help thru therapy and probably a good Psychiatrist, then be his friend and make sure he sees his kids. My ex is so very kind to me...I see my daughter or talk to her many days each week.
Again...YOU are worth so much more than this and dont let anyone tell you otherwise!
Your husband needs the same professional help I am getting.
I pray he gets it!
I am more than willing to share more if needed. Its hard to be honest and open about it, but the truth sets you free!
I wish you all the best. NEVER give up!

Were you still in the marriage when you realized what you were doing? My husband still seems to be oblivious and acts like everything is fine (we're still co-habitating until after the new year). We don't talk about anything that's not kid related (at least I try not to), but he still walks around smiling and happy. I waffle back and forth between hurt and sadness (although I am careful not to let him or the kids see it). We do not discuss what has happened, but I know I am going to have to sit him down in the next few days and iron out the details of our split. I am already anticipating his anger.

Originally Posted by wounded1

Were you still in the marriage when you realized what you were doing? My husband still seems to be oblivious and acts like everything is fine (we're still co-habitating until after the new year). We don't talk about anything that's not kid related (at least I try not to), but he still walks around smiling and happy. I waffle back and forth between hurt and sadness (although I am careful not to let him or the kids see it). We do not discuss what has happened, but I know I am going to have to sit him down in the next few days and iron out the details of our split. I am already anticipating his anger.

I knew that I was doing wrong but somehow justified it with my own anger towards my spouse, like it was her fault that my life was such a wreck. I was not smiling and happy but angry and bitter, couldn't wait to get her out of my life! I did not fully realize the pain and destruction I caused her until after I left. We split Aug 1 and we had an argument over the phone and she said my daughter asked her if she was gonna remarry so that she could have a full time daddy! That was about mid to late October, it was a thursday.
Well it took about 20 minutes of reflection over what my daughter asked my wife...and then I crumbled into a crying heap of sadness and begged God to forgive me. The pain in my head and heart and soul was so overwhelming, so monumental, and yet it freed me from the monster that I had become. I have not been the same man since that day.
I still want to reconcile with my wife but only a miracle from God is going to bring us back together. She said that there is too much damage that has been done over the years I didnt get any help and then the affair over the internet, our finances are ruined, we are going to lose our home next year, she no longer trusts me, has no plans to ever trust again! (HUGE sigh) I have been so remorseful and tell her all the time how wrong I was and how she is not to blame for any of this (as she always tried to do whatever she could to save our marriage...she swallowed a lot of pain and suffering over my actions over the years) and I do it to help her thru her pain over our split.
Most of the time when we talk it's like therapy for us both. I am understanding more about how she loved me and also of the depths of the pain I caused her. She is understanding why I acted the way I did ( from my anxiety and depression, low self esteem, and how I hid my pain behind lies and deception) and that I am truly sorry for my actions.
Hope some of this info helps you out.

[wounded1]

Originally Posted by SpiritOfAStorm

I knew that I was doing wrong but somehow justified it with my own anger towards my spouse, like it was her fault that my life was such a wreck. I was not smiling and happy but angry and bitter, couldn't wait to get her out of my life! I did not fully realize the pain and destruction I caused her until after I left. We split Aug 1 and we had an argument over the phone and she said my daughter asked her if she was gonna remarry so that she could have a full time daddy! That was about mid to late October, it was a thursday.
Well it took about 20 minutes of reflection over what my daughter asked my wife...and then I crumbled into a crying heap of sadness and begged God to forgive me. The pain in my head and heart and soul was so overwhelming, so monumental, and yet it freed me from the monster that I had become. I have not been the same man since that day.
I still want to reconcile with my wife but only a miracle from God is going to bring us back together. She said that there is too much damage that has been done over the years I didnt get any help and then the affair over the internet, our finances are ruined, we are going to lose our home next year, she no longer trusts me, has no plans to ever trust again! (HUGE sigh) I have been so remorseful and tell her all the time how wrong I was and how she is not to blame for any of this (as she always tried to do whatever she could to save our marriage...she swallowed a lot of pain and suffering over my actions over the years) and I do it to help her thru her pain over our split.
Most of the time when we talk it's like therapy for us both. I am understanding more about how she loved me and also of the depths of the pain I caused her. She is understanding why I acted the way I did ( from my anxiety and depression, low self esteem, and how I hid my pain behind lies and deception) and that I am truly sorry for my actions.
Hope some of this info helps you out.

Yesterday my husband and spent all day being "good parents" together during my son's 7th birthday celebrations. After the party, he made a (cheerful) comment how it would be great if he could rent the house three doors down, then the kids could just walk over. It stung really badly and I asked him how he could be so casual about the whole thing. He answered that he was dumfounded at how easy the whole break up was for me.

After the kids went to bed, I decided to confront him about the comment and assure him that nothing about my decision to leave him was "easy". I explained that I knew when and why he started looking outside our marriage for "excitement" (although he still SWEARS he's never slept with anyone else), that when I got pregnant with our first son and my health took a nosedive, I stopped being the "sex kitten" he fell in love with. Because he tanked our finances very early on, add to health issues enormous financial stress (most of which fell directly on my shoulders), a husband who was either living in the past or the future and I really wasn't up to a "movie and a drink" after the kids went to bed. I always told him what was missing for me, what I needed to get back to a good place within our marriage, but he was never willing to do what I asked or if he did do them for very long. I talked and talked and pleaded and yelled. I wrote emails and texts and yelled some more. He responded more like a child being reprimanded than a husband.

After explaining the reasons why I couldn't stay (just like your wife, the damage is extensive and I don't think I'll ever be able to trust him again), I asked him why he was so angry with ME. He says he doesn't know. I asked if it was because I am making him look at things about himself that he doesn't want to, and he answered "probably." I told him I didn't want to continue to be punished for what others had done to him in the past.

Once again, he is saying that he will do whatever he needs to do to keep his family together, but nothing that was said in yesterday's conversation changed my mind about needing to leave. He says he will see a therapist and do whatever it takes to "fix" things, but I've heard that before. I think he needs to have a moment like yours in order to really understand the impact his actions have had and I don't think me pointing things out registers. I don't know that he can change. Is it terrible that I'm not willing to give him "one more chance"? Isn't ten years worth of chances enough?

I don't know that he can change. Is it terrible that I'm not willing to give him "one more chance"? Isn't ten years worth of chances enough?

This is a tough one for me personally because my ex wont give me another chance....she has given me enough chances already too, i suppose.....but I would love one more! We are actually good friends right now....right now....and she confirmed to me today that the only reason I was even allowed back in the house was because of the changes I have made and the things that I have admitted to. She was deeply hurt and I was really some kind of monster. I am so ashamed and humiliated by who and what I was!
I would say that at this point, your husband needs to stop telling you what he is going to do and start taking action. And he needs to do it whether or not it will lead the two of you back together...he needs to get the help he needs for himself!
I am getting my therapy and doing my research to help me be a good father to our daugher, and to be a good ex to my ex. After a total of 23 years together, she deserves nothing less from me than that.
Even with all I am doing, I still struggle with stress when I am with my ex and daughter. My daughter listens to her mother (most of the time) and with me its still like I am invisible...just like in the marriage...she loves her daddy as a play pal and an activity buddy...but let me be a parent to her and its not that easy for her to listen to me. And since I am trying to be that parent, when my ex would try to help me with my parenting skills, I would take it more like that child being scolded than like a husband, partner, adult. Ugh!
But I am working on that part...and making some progress....but when my kid has been disciplined by both of us, I still experience depression because she is not happy. I never want to make her unhappy. But that is because "I" never want to be unhappy! Geeze...still more work to do!
Nice chatting with you, I wish you all the best.
Feel free to contact me anytime...its nice to share my feelings and things with you!
Hope you have a Happy New Year!

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Originally Posted by wounded1

Once again, he is saying that he will do whatever he needs to do to keep his family together, but nothing that was said in yesterday's conversation changed my mind about needing to leave. He says he will see a therapist and do whatever it takes to "fix" things, but I've heard that before. I think he needs to have a moment like yours in order to really understand the impact his actions have had and I don't think me pointing things out registers. I don't know that he can change. Is it terrible that I'm not willing to give him "one more chance"? Isn't ten years worth of chances enough?

I just posted something along these same lines! I too am looking for advice, and don't have any good to offer to you Wounded, but I offer you support and hugs, and hope you find the peace you and your children deserve.
Bub

[Bobbarita]

I agree with Leed (Post #4). Get out of this situation now. But plan a little bit. Try to collect all the information you can on your finances behind his back if you don't know about them. Ask around and take a little time to research family law attorneys and go for a consultation with a few. Many give free consults. Sometimes (I've heard) when a woman files for divorce, along with being awarded temporary support, she is permitted to stay in the home with her child/children so that a stable environment is provided for the kids---same school, friends, activities. HE may have to be the one moving out. The attorneys will know the laws in your state. If you get a chance, read my very long post, "20 year marriage" (if the moderators allow it since it is so long...). Every marriage on the rocks has different details, but don't hang in there. It's not healthy for you or the kids. Visitation details can be worked out as things progress. But consult an attorney. IMO, it's not the "high road" you're taking, it's the road to ruination. Enough is enough.

[kmeds70]

I feel if being his friend isn't detremental to your healing then go with your heart.
Remove the sex part from your post, add emotional, sometimes physical abuse +5yrs and you're living my life. I've tried everything to help my husband overcome his anger issues and now depression. He moved out, I begged him back. Then I realized it wasn't helping either of us. The nicer I am, the meaner he is. When I get angry due to his temper, he's nice and wins my graces. I love him more than anything and we were bestfriends for so many years. But I realize now that he must help himself for a change. I've done everything for him all this time, taken his crap because I knew his storm would pass and we'd be friends again. His recent storm has lasted 3 years and I can't do it anymore. But like you I can't turn my back on him completely. I told him I wanted a real seperation this time to give us both time to heal. I block his calls and text so he can't get in my heart everytime he feels like it. I call him everynight to say hello and see how he's doing. Now he always says " please call me tomorrow". Before it was "WTF? CALL ME NOW" so I'm hopeful he's working through some issues in my absence. The daily call is for me too because I suffer from seperation anxiety. I miss him terribly... until we spend time together. Then I realize I miss the man I married not the man he is now :-(

[chalicat]

I understand you worrying about is well being if you leave, with the problems he has but you are not equipped to deal with all his issues. You sound like you've given it your all and he has refused to get professional help and now it's out of your hands. As hard as it'll bee for you're kids, they'll be better off with you in the long run. Don't think they're not picking up on everything that's going on there. It's better for them to have at least one parent who's happy and healthy than 2 together who are miserable.