[willis...]

I apologize in advance for the long post, but I hope it doesn't stop too many folks from reading it.

I have been depressed for over 2 years with dysthymic symptoms and a lot of negative and self-loathing thoughts. The main origin of this was the stress of the PhD program had on my married life. Circumstances outside my control made me change and delay my research project (I was studying anthropology so this included over a year of fieldwork in another country). My wife and I had plans to start a family after my research and when I was forced to delay my research for more than a year, I felt (and still feel) incredible shame for what my choices did to my wife and our plans for the future. I kept all this shame in and didn't share it with my wife and tried to keep going and. About 20 months ago I finally couldn't take the struggle in my academic program any more and made the choice to quit the program and find a job and settle down. However, my shame and self-loathing for the choices I made that put me in so much debt and having little to offer in the real-world, and delaying starting a family turned into depression, which I repressed and ignored for too long. While I was ready to start a family my lack of self-confidence after not being able to get a job that even came close to paying my student loan debts, I could even use my years of experience and passion I developed in my years of school and the stresses of this all brought back all these feeling from growing up and issues I had with my parents divorce and my mom's second marriage. I internalized all this shame and it only got worse when, ironically, I want to have children and support my wife's need to have a baby, but I just couldn't do it for some reason. I ignored all of these repressed emotions and fear that was telling myself subconsciously that I was unworthy and unable to support a family (financially and emotionally). I began to have sucidial idealations and my shame only got worse. I would think that it would be better off if I wasn't around so my wife could have the family she wanted so badly. I also ignored all her attempts to help me realize the hole I in. I thought I just needed time and that I wasn't really worthy of helping myself. What I didn't realize that this wasn't just affecting me, but was hurting my wife and our relationship.

We've been married 5 years and together for 8. I love her more than anything in this world. I hated myself for not being able to "snap out of it" and man up support our relationship and move it forward. Because I didn't realize the source of this I kept everything inside and tried to stray strong. I didn't (or couldn't) communicate my emotions and fears to my wife. My wife also felt like she couldn't communicate her feelings because she didn't want to make me more unhappy or do anything that would lead to me doing something to myself. So, I never knew what my state was doing to her or our marriage. My wife also thought I needed time and when I got a new job it will be better. It's safe to say that we lacked communication skills we needed to deal with this problem. My wife is now also dealing with depression. It's tragic because both of us stayed quite because we didn't want to hurt the other and internalized this hurt making our depression and communication worse.

So, two months ago my wife told me she was tried trying to make me happy, being my cheerleader, and that she loves me but doesn't feel in love with me anymore. This snapped me out of my rut and realized what was happening to her and our relationship and most importantly me. I had always found safety in our marriage and felt it was the only good thing in my life. This put so much pressure on my wife and she felt 100% responsible for my happiness. However, because I ignored and refused to acknowledge and share my fears and insecurities (I didn't want to lose her respect and make her not love me) about a having a baby she thought I no longer wanted the things she wanted. Her telling me all of this shocked me so much because we had just bought a house a few months ago. She said she needed space and for me to take care of myself. Knowing that my problems were just not affecting me, I finally realized I needed help and started seeing a therapist and addressing all the issues I have. At times I resent her for not telling me her feelings earlier as she told be she had started to feel this way a while ago, but I realize she was only doing what she thought was best for me by not telling me. I will do anything for my wife and our marriage. She literally taught me how to love and how to be love, but the stress of my career choices and the shame I felt for these choice reverted me back to my negative thoughts and lack of self-esteem I had before I met her.

After she dropped this on me I didn't know what to do and I was so scared of losing her that I became clinging and needy and this was pushing her away even more. This wasn't all my fault because while she said she needed space she didn't define what that was and we continued to live basically how we were. It came to a head as she did tell me she wanted to go home for Thanksgiving by herself. I wrote her a long love letter and included pictures of happy times (our wedding, trips before my depression sank in, etc.) and these really put her over the edge. This confuses me still. When she came back and I was hoping we could be begin to reconcile. However, she came back and said she needs a break and was going to stay with her aunt for a while and not spend Xmas with me. She told me she is tried of trying to make me happy. Man oh man did that hurt!

I'm making good progress in my therapy have become aware of the sources of my shame, self-loathing, and depression. I been reading books on marriage problems and depression. I've worked hard on my own issues, but it is so hard to do this while I feel like my marriage is falling apart because of my choices. Now that we have been in the break for two weeks, I'm struggling with fears of her having an affair, her just being over me and our marriage, and the fact she isn't in love with me anymore. There have been positives: we went on a fun date on Saturday, but afterward she went back to her aunt's. We've agreed to start marriage counceling after the New Year and work on our communication issues. I know this is a good thing, since the break isn't indefinite. However, I'm fighting all my negative thoughts that we are too far gone to repair our marriage, or she as already moved on.

I feel very lost and confused in all of this. She seems so strong and that she has it all together while I feel like a mess. I'm trying so hard to deal with my depression and negative thoughts but doing this while not having her support is SO hard. I've felt like I've not only lost my wife but my best friend. However, I also need to respect what she needs to do right now and realize that we both dealing with our own depression and marriage issues differently. I am doing the best I can to work on myself during this time.

I apologize if this turned into a ramble and doesn't make sense, but I'm hoping some of you could help be get some outside perspective on this situation. Please feel free to ask for any clarifications. Thanks!

[healingme4me]

Sorry to read you are going through this. Not spending holidays together sounds tragic. Yes, you've made choices, that change the future together. And yes, you are struggling with your own depression and sorting through the past, to heal the present.
It's difficult, having two depressives involved together, but so long as both either are or have worked through their own stuff, everything is possible. It's sometimes easier, since the other can relate and identity.
Your story is my so's biggest fear from me. When you mention resentment for your wife not being honest with her emotions to you, it made me realize how far my own therapy work has come. It will be of interest, to see, if she can come through with not just being honest with you, but also herself, in couples counseling. There is an acceptable trend, where your T, her T and couples T can communicate behind the scenes to help you both.
What left her feeling not in an emotional safe spot, to remain in the marital home? Raising abandonment fears, isn't conducive to strengthening the relationship. I've learned, that all humans have these fears, they aren't limited to any specific disorder.
I Hope the new year, brings her back.
Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[willis...]

Yeah, I'm not sure what to think about some of her behavior. I'm so confused that I think this makes my own anxiety so much worse. I knew our marriage wasn't in a great spot, but we were moving forward - recently bought a house being a good example. She dropped a lot of this out of the blue. It took about a month and a half before she said she needed a break from us for the rest of the year, but I could tell she was emotionally detaching.

She basically said I had to start seeing a therapist, which I have been go to and getting a lot from. I feel I've grown a lot on dealing with the issues she wanted me to. However, it has done nothing to help repair our relationship and in fact seems to get worse.

As for her not feeling in an emotional safe spot (this is what she has told me), she was so worried that if she brought up anything negative I would "do something stupid", which for her means hurt or try suicide. For me, I would have been sad, but responsive for us working on our relationship if I knew what she was feeling. I would have and still will do anything for her and our marriage. Now I feel she is completely withdrawn.