[ruthmartini]

I was separated from my husband 10 years ago, and after 5 years divorced. I had an affair and as such was the perpetrator of the breakup. I had an affair with a man who is 12 years younger than myself and who had also suffered a nervous breakdown after the death of both his parents. The man lived next door to me and my family and we were witness to some strange behavior prior to his breakdown. I have two daughters who were aware and witnessed some of this behavior. I am still with this man, we live together. When the marriage broke down between my then husband and me my daughters took it all very badly. My husband behaved in a way that caused my daughters to have to look after him. They refused to speak to me and the man. Eventually I made up with my daughters but then fell into a way of life that meant I met them on my own, never with my new partner and any family occasions that arose would mean that usually my partner would be left out, or he would attend and my daughters would not. All of this has been a huge strain on us all including members of my family who felt in the middle. My ex husband has a new partner and she is accepted by my daughters but they still refuse to have anything to do with my new partner and have never visited me at home.

The reason I am writing this is that I feel that it is time my daughters changed their behavior as I believe after 10 years that it is detrimental to them as grown up women. I feel it is embarrassing for them that they are unable to forgive this man and also me. If they have children they say that they will not be allowed to come to my home. Is anyone THAT bad??

[Leed]

I agree that they're taking this too far. It's detrimental to THEIR mental and physical health to carry this resentment all this time, and they're certainly not teaching their children very Christian values. By carrying resentments, they really hurt only themselves, as there is a saying "resentment is the poison I take to kill you." And it's true. Resentment are like cancer -- they eat you from the inside. Granted, I know this hurts you too, but believe me they are suffering more.

I really don't know what you can do. Have you sat them down and had a long talk with them (without your partner present)?? Perhaps it would be a good idea to do it again, if you've already done it, and remind them that they've accepted their father's new partner -- how is it fair that they won't accept yours? Forget the circumstances of how everyone got together -- you both have new partners and everyone should be accepted! They are adults now, and they're acting like children. It's almost like they're at school playing games and picking who is going to be on their team -- but your partner is the one who is excluded. How childish.

Tell them to grow up. And don't accommodate them anymore -- always take your partner to family gatherings, just like you SHOULD. Either that or just refuse to go. It's your choice. God bless you both, and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[amberswanson]

I do not agree Leed. The Mother had an affair with this guy and it caused the marriage and family to break apart. Of course these girls don't want anything to do with the guy. They have something that most people don't have these days, "MORALS" in other words a sense of right and wrong. And it seems even with the passing of time they are sticking to their morals and not having anything to do with this guy who had no problem with sleeping with his married next door neighbor who also had 2 kids. As far as the husband having a new partner, She didn't cause the breakup of the marriage. The girls are probably happy their Father has got someone new in his life. It's nice to see there are young people who are willing to stand by what they believe in and won't even allow the adults around them to sway their beliefs.

[Soulsisters]

Hi,

I am know this topic all too well.

As far as "morals" go, they are a basis for you to how you will live your life. YOUR guidelines, they are not something that anyone is allowed to judge another person. Only you have walked your path, only you know your feelings, and only you know who is right for you and when. Only God is allowed to judge, so if you are not god then you have no right to judge. "Jesus loved the sinners more "

Your daughters have had time to grieve. They have felt pain and betrayal. You have accommodated their desires and wishes for long enough. They will turn into bitter old women if they do not learn to forgive and look into the gray areas of life. Black and white do not exist in this life, and the beauty of life lives in the grays.

You love your daughters and want them to be well rounded strong women. Life is not perfect and it is TIME for them to get over it.

SHAME ON ALL THOSE WHO JUDGE!

SHAME ON ALL THOSE WHO JUDGE!

Be well and God Bless You,

Happy holidays

[oldlife_disrupted]

Adults don't generally hold on to grudges like this 10 years on. I can only assume they've probably seen things from you and your partner that made them decide to keep him out of their lives.

There is no God and even if there was, human beings need to use judgement to make decisions; they shouldn't feel ashamed for it.

If you want to heal your relationship with them you're going to have to talk with them and ask them to accept him as a part of your life. You're not going to get absolution just because it's been a decade, there isn't some kind of statute of limitations on relationships.

[ADDithers]

Ruth, this is a hard one. I would venture to say your daughters view this situation based upon what Amber said. You may need to just accept reconciliation on their terms. Perhaps to this day you have no regrets but regardless whether you do don't, your actions hurt your daughters greatly. If I were you, I'd be sure to let them know that you regret hurting them, and you accept whatever reconciliation they are willing to grant you.

As far as judging is concerned, this idea that anyone who is a Christian is not supposed to judge is a bunch of crock. Jesus says, 'judge not for which judgement you judge you shall be judged', and the Apostle Paul told the church in Corinth that the spiritual man judges all things. Do these two statements contradict each other? Not at all. I'm not going to take the time to elaborate except to say that judging between right and wrong is certainly NOT what Jesus was talking about.