[Mia2013]

I've been married for 20 years to my high school sweetheart. Met when I was 15 he was 16. We both worked hard to get what we have and raised a family at a young age. We got along great but did realize that husband drank quite a bit, but at that time he controlled it, it never became a problem. I would say in the last 5 to 7 years it has gotten prigressively worse. Well let me say for the first 13 year of our marriage we worked opposite shifts in order for the kids never having to to daycare. The only real time we spent together was weekends. When we started working the same hours and coming home in the evenings I thought it would be a positive thing for my family...boy was I wrong. I think for the first time in our marriage, we really I mean really got to know each other. Things became very rocky. His drinking was constant everyday, but only got "buzzed" on his days off. He started to get aggressive, possessive, we started having shouting matches at times it got physical what's worse my kids who are older but still valnuable saw and heard us. I should have walked away from it but I wanted to show my only daughter to never fear any man but I know I was doing more harm. This has been going on for the past 7 years I would say. He says he will never do it again but come the weekend it starts all over again. Our relationship has been ruined by his drinking we don't get along, our sexual relationship is zero to none not ny his choice but mine. My 2 older kids, 21 and 18 have asked why I put up with it and it's my fault for staying. My youngest son is the one I worry about and stay for, he says to me when talk to him about the situation he says, "mom, the fights only last a couple minutes then dad goes to sleep but at I know he's ok, if we leave he will drink more because he is sad and I won't know if he's ok".. That breaks my heart so I stay. My husband is what they call a productive alcoholic. Never misses a day of work and does a great job at what he does. But his aggressiveness and alcholism is getting worse and worse because it gets physical and he does not care if the kids see or hear and there are times he goes after them too and jump in to defend them from him.
In the last 2-3 mths I met a man whom I've been talking to. He is such a great guy. He is a police officer that specializes in domestic violence situations. He has taken an interest in me and so have I. We get along great, have so many things in common, when I'm with him I'm just in adiffrent world I laugh I smile I feel so good and best of all he does not drink at all. He gives advice on what to do but never forces or pushes anything on me. I feel trapped. If I was single I definately know what to do but 20 years of marriage the accumulation of things we have...but at that doesn't compare to happiness. I truly know understand the meaning money can't buy you happiness because anything and I mean anything I wanted he bought for me...but it happiness for a short time.....just the lonelines, the fear, the hate I have for him I think is irreversible. When he is sober he is normal he is heckle and Hyde we could get into a major physical fight and the next day he acts like mother Teresa but never says sorry. Only to the kids he will but the kids don't believe him nomore. I am torn and don't know what to do. I need some advice please.

[Leed]

Oh honey, the stories I could tell. You see, both my husband and I were alcoholics. He was abusive even before he drank. He was controlling, penny-pinching, emotionally abusive, etc. Then I started drinking too. I couldn't stand my life. You see we started dating in high school too -- I was 15 and he was 18. And I got married 4 days out of high school, and i wasn't even pregnant! In fact, I was a virgin (a little more than you needed to hear?) I wanted OUT of getting married, but my parents wouldn't LET me - can you believe that?

So I stayed with that jerk for 26 years, and my kids told me the same thing -- why did you stay? Why don't you leave? It was for the sake of the kids. Husband told me if I left, he would take my kids somewhere where I'd NEVER find them or SEE them again -- and he WAS capable of doing that. He'd do that just to hurt me. I waited til my youngest was 18, and divorced the bum.

In fact, I got sober and divorced at the same time. My kids were SO proud of me!!! They said they KNEW why I drank, and understood. I was so ashamed.

Your husband is NOT going to get better until he hits bottom. He WONT quit drinking until he loses everything, which includes: his job, his home, you, the kids, his drivers license, his car, his friends, etc. THEN and ONLY THEN will he perhaps think about getting help. Some people never do hit bottom and they just die. Alcoholism kills. The liver shuts down, and then the rest of the organs after that. It's not pretty -- I've seen it.

You can't help him quit. All the nagging, begging, pleading in the world is NOT going to help him. And by staying you might even be enabling him. Don't keep wasting your life if the love is gone. Don't keep hurting the children either, because the longer they're in that home, the more LIKELY they will be to become alcoholics. They ALREADY are on the danger list because alcoholism is hereditary. They MUST be diligent about their drinking -- very careful about how much they drink or even IF they drink!!! You MUST talk to them about this!

You still have the opportunity for a wonderful life with this officer. Why not take it? I normally don't like to advise people to divorce, but in cases like this, there is no other answer. I say go for it! You've lived enough misery. God bless you and take care! Hugs, Lee

[winter4me]

Leaving would/will be hard but it sounds the only way. And it will be hard to explain to your youngest. (I don't recommend running right into another relationship, that will be hard on the youngest too...) but you can---look for information on talking to kids about this and ensure he will have contact with dad, when he is not acting out---this makes everyone sad, and the six year old should not have to worry about whether dad will be ok or not---or begin to assume some responsibility for that---....my heart goes out to you. You could start with a separation. Give everyone time to adjust to being apart