[VitaAeterna]

I posted this in "Depression" but figured I would post it here as well.

Her name is Sarah. We began dating in April of last year (2012) and have been together since then...so over a year and a half. When we started, everything was unbelievable. I was in the Army at the time and was on leave. Pure magic...I had never felt the way about another person the way I felt about her. I've never been able to say that I would voluntarily die for someone if asked...an awkward position, I suppose, considering I was in the Army. She would have said the same for me with no hesitation. She decided to wait for me, and I got out in January (of this year, 2013). I even used an option in the Army that allowed me to get out earlier (as my contract originally would've ended in March) in order to be with her. We exchanged letters, e-mails, countless hours of Skype, phone calls and text messaging...and even paid for flight tickets about 3 separate times just to be together for 4 days in between that time. I returned on leave in June/July of last year and we decided we were going to move in together upon my return. Leaving to go back to North Carolina was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

When I got back in January, life was unbelievable. We were finally reunited. I felt like the world was at my fingertips. Even when work (I started working immediately after returning) or school (which I also started immediately after) got too hard, I always thought "I can always go home and at least I'll have her. I suppose that's all that matters."

My world is crumbling. I suppose we found out we're two different people - but I always thought that we balanced each other out. I've never introduced the fact that we'd never work, and always thought that no matter what happened, we would work to make it better. After a weekend at the lake with a bunch of friends, we almost completely avoided each other. I am broken. We were argumentative at times. On Saturday, I even went to bed early without even telling her, hoping that she'd instead ask "what was wrong". Perhaps it was a bid to get attention. Despite everyone else having fun and being very social, I sat almost utterly silent for the entire weekend. I can count the amount of times I smiled or laughed on two hands.

I take things very seriously...I consider myself a self-styled intellectual, although at times I'm not sure how well that label fits. She is perhaps a little opposite of that. She can be very serious and passionate at times, but she is "fun-loving" to say the least. She doesn't worry about the future or money or politics as much as I do. She doesn't let little things bother her. I do, almost constantly, and it has completely ruined us.

Two weeks ago, we had a similar trouble to this one. She began thinking we were incompatible, but we did fine. We went to a Twins game and on the drive back she began questioning when we were going to get married. Everything was normal again. The passion had returned, I thought.

Two weeks later, however, it all returned. Last night, she offered to stay at her parents for a few nights. I sobbed and wept in front of her, harder than I ever have in my life. I gave her an ultimatum: if you leave, take everything with you, delete my number from your phone and leave your keys on the counter, or stay with me and work through this somehow. There was no easy answer - I couldn't even provide an ability to explain how we would "fix" what we had broken. I just knew that we had to try. I asked her what her decision was and she was unable to make one. I then said being indecisive on something like this is an answer enough...and we both knew that being unable to say "we'll work through it" was evidence enough that perhaps this was all a fallacy. Something like that should take a half second to respond to. It shouldn't take a few days.

I need someone to help me. To listen. I can provide further details to this story if anyone wishes. My mind is racing in several different directions so it was very hard to compile all of my thoughts immediately.


Rohag asked: "What was it about the dynamics of that social grouping that led to conflict? Was that the first time you as a couple had been in that type of environment?"

I answered:

No, not at all. It was the fact that perhaps I just wanted more for just "us" rather than "us" AND "everyone else". Combined with the arguments and I really just shut down in an effort to get her attention. Four months ago I feel that she would've done anything to make me happy, or would've done anything to see me smile if I was acting like that. Perhaps that was what I was hoping for when I stopped interacting with everyone.

It snowballed from there. She ignored it and pretended like I didn't exist. She valued more time with our friends than she did with me (arguing that she doesn't get to see them that often) and so it crushed me. And broke me completely.

[hannabee]

You sound young. And, you sound rather controlling. If you want to be with this woman, I think you will need to "lighten up" a bit. Love changes over time. It has to or the hormones and dopamine that are being released would kill us! Good luck.

[leaJ]

Going off of my own relationship, I can almost guarantee you that she did not interpret your ignoring her as a cry for help or attention from her. She may have been hurt that you were ignoring her as well...at least I know that is how I would have taken it. If she's the type that blows things off, she may have just thought "what a jerk"...
But the problem I see when I read your post is a problem with being able to communicate effectively with each other. Do you see a therapist or anything? I am dealing with similar issues in my relationship, and he refused to go to counseling because "I am the crazy one" so I started going by myself. One person obviously can't fix a relationship, but it's helping me alot just to have someone to talk to. Regardless of how the relationship turns out.

[hannabee]

I think there should be an "I agree with this post" button!! Good point leaJ!

[sandysay]

Your emotions are all over the place. You want her to read your mind (I even went to bed early without even telling her, hoping that she'd instead ask "what was wrong".) You're passive agressive ("I sat almost utterly silent for the entire weekend.") And you gave her an ultimatum. You are taking much more from the realtionship than you are giving. You need to let her go and figure out why you need so much validation of your relationship and of other's love and commitment, how to have a healthy relationship, learn to communicate, and balance your emotions and reactions.

[rantyraina]

Originally Posted by leaJ

Going off of my own relationship, I can almost guarantee you that she did not interpret your ignoring her as a cry for help or attention from her. She may have been hurt that you were ignoring her as well...at least I know that is how I would have taken it. If she's the type that blows things off, she may have just thought "what a jerk"...
But the problem I see when I read your post is a problem with being able to communicate effectively with each other. Do you see a therapist or anything? I am dealing with similar issues in my relationship, and he refused to go to counseling because "I am the crazy one" so I started going by myself. One person obviously can't fix a relationship, but it's helping me alot just to have someone to talk to. Regardless of how the relationship turns out.

I agree with you..

[Leed]

Hi Vita ~ I think Hannabee hit the nail on the head -- I believe you need to lighten up! You yourself said that you're a bit serious and a self-proclaimed intellectual. She is more a fun loving person when with others! You "clam up" and seem to act almost "jealous" that she's spending time with others when you ARE with others! How is she supposed to deal with that? Not spend ANY time with other people? Perhaps I misunderstood that portion, I don't know, but it's sure the way it sounded.

I agree that you two need to learn how to communicate, and counseling will help with that, IF you two haven't already split. I hope not. But if you have, then YOU could use some individual counseling so that next time the same scenario isn't repeated.

Also, I want to THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for your service to our country. You dont' know how much it is appreciated!! We don't thank our service people often enough -- and I just want you to know that I DO appreciate it so very much. God bless you and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by VitaAeterna

I posted this in "Depression" but figured I would post it here as well.

Her name is Sarah. We began dating in April of last year (2012) and have been together since then...so over a year and a half. When we started, everything was unbelievable. I was in the Army at the time and was on leave. Pure magic...I had never felt the way about another person the way I felt about her. I've never been able to say that I would voluntarily die for someone if asked...an awkward position, I suppose, considering I was in the Army. She would have said the same for me with no hesitation. She decided to wait for me, and I got out in January (of this year, 2013). I even used an option in the Army that allowed me to get out earlier (as my contract originally would've ended in March) in order to be with her. We exchanged letters, e-mails, countless hours of Skype, phone calls and text messaging...and even paid for flight tickets about 3 separate times just to be together for 4 days in between that time. I returned on leave in June/July of last year and we decided we were going to move in together upon my return. Leaving to go back to North Carolina was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

When I got back in January, life was unbelievable. We were finally reunited. I felt like the world was at my fingertips. Even when work (I started working immediately after returning) or school (which I also started immediately after) got too hard, I always thought "I can always go home and at least I'll have her. I suppose that's all that matters."

My world is crumbling. I suppose we found out we're two different people - but I always thought that we balanced each other out. I've never introduced the fact that we'd never work, and always thought that no matter what happened, we would work to make it better. After a weekend at the lake with a bunch of friends, we almost completely avoided each other. I am broken. We were argumentative at times. On Saturday, I even went to bed early without even telling her, hoping that she'd instead ask "what was wrong". Perhaps it was a bid to get attention. Despite everyone else having fun and being very social, I sat almost utterly silent for the entire weekend. I can count the amount of times I smiled or laughed on two hands.

I take things very seriously...I consider myself a self-styled intellectual, although at times I'm not sure how well that label fits. She is perhaps a little opposite of that. She can be very serious and passionate at times, but she is "fun-loving" to say the least. She doesn't worry about the future or money or politics as much as I do. She doesn't let little things bother her. I do, almost constantly, and it has completely ruined us.

Two weeks ago, we had a similar trouble to this one. She began thinking we were incompatible, but we did fine. We went to a Twins game and on the drive back she began questioning when we were going to get married. Everything was normal again. The passion had returned, I thought.

Two weeks later, however, it all returned. Last night, she offered to stay at her parents for a few nights. I sobbed and wept in front of her, harder than I ever have in my life. I gave her an ultimatum: if you leave, take everything with you, delete my number from your phone and leave your keys on the counter, or stay with me and work through this somehow. There was no easy answer - I couldn't even provide an ability to explain how we would "fix" what we had broken. I just knew that we had to try. I asked her what her decision was and she was unable to make one. I then said being indecisive on something like this is an answer enough...and we both knew that being unable to say "we'll work through it" was evidence enough that perhaps this was all a fallacy. Something like that should take a half second to respond to. It shouldn't take a few days.

I need someone to help me. To listen. I can provide further details to this story if anyone wishes. My mind is racing in several different directions so it was very hard to compile all of my thoughts immediately.


Rohag asked: "What was it about the dynamics of that social grouping that led to conflict? Was that the first time you as a couple had been in that type of environment?"

I answered:

No, not at all. It was the fact that perhaps I just wanted more for just "us" rather than "us" AND "everyone else". Combined with the arguments and I really just shut down in an effort to get her attention. Four months ago I feel that she would've done anything to make me happy, or would've done anything to see me smile if I was acting like that. Perhaps that was what I was hoping for when I stopped interacting with everyone.

It snowballed from there. She ignored it and pretended like I didn't exist. She valued more time with our friends than she did with me (arguing that she doesn't get to see them that often) and so it crushed me. And broke me completely.

Vita, I wish you the best, and I can sympathize w your heartfelt pain. Although our stories are different, I'm going thru some stuff now too, and really struggling. But overall, picking myself back up, trying to be cheerful, trying to fix and do what I can, etc. Warm wishes your way!

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by hannabee

You sound young. And, you sound rather controlling. If you want to be with this woman, I think you will need to "lighten up" a bit. Love changes over time. It has to or the hormones and dopamine that are being released would kill us! Good luck.

words of wisdom, hannabee! But I am not so young, and tho I've learned some of these life lessons that come with time, I think, the pain is still intense as is anxiety right now, in my situation. But trying to realistically be positive and work on what I can!

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by leaJ

Going off of my own relationship, I can almost guarantee you that she did not interpret your ignoring her as a cry for help or attention from her. She may have been hurt that you were ignoring her as well...at least I know that is how I would have taken it. If she's the type that blows things off, she may have just thought "what a jerk"...
But the problem I see when I read your post is a problem with being able to communicate effectively with each other. Do you see a therapist or anything? I am dealing with similar issues in my relationship, and he refused to go to counseling because "I am the crazy one" so I started going by myself. One person obviously can't fix a relationship, but it's helping me alot just to have someone to talk to. Regardless of how the relationship turns out.

so true, can relate!

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by sandysay

Your emotions are all over the place. You want her to read your mind (I even went to bed early without even telling her, hoping that she'd instead ask "what was wrong".) You're passive agressive ("I sat almost utterly silent for the entire weekend.") And you gave her an ultimatum. You are taking much more from the realtionship than you are giving. You need to let her go and figure out why you need so much validation of your relationship and of other's love and commitment, how to have a healthy relationship, learn to communicate, and balance your emotions and reactions.

Interesting comments and true, I believe. My husband gave me some reasonable specifics I could do for my part to fix relationship and avoid divorce, and one of them was "Lighten Up!" Seems that does help. Can require a lot of focus when in pain, tho.

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by Leed

Hi Vita ~ I think Hannabee hit the nail on the head -- I believe you need to lighten up! You yourself said that you're a bit serious and a self-proclaimed intellectual. She is more a fun loving person when with others! You "clam up" and seem to act almost "jealous" that she's spending time with others when you ARE with others! How is she supposed to deal with that? Not spend ANY time with other people? Perhaps I misunderstood that portion, I don't know, but it's sure the way it sounded.

I agree that you two need to learn how to communicate, and counseling will help with that, IF you two haven't already split. I hope not. But if you have, then YOU could use some individual counseling so that next time the same scenario isn't repeated.

Also, I want to THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for your service to our country. You dont' know how much it is appreciated!! We don't thank our service people often enough -- and I just want you to know that I DO appreciate it so very much. God bless you and please take care. Hugs, Lee

well said, and I'd like to extend my thanks as well!