Opinions please, this is long.

Opinions please, was I wrong for confronting ex husband about this issue? Long story short, he filed for divorce in 2006, without me knowing. For the sake of our kids, we have remained in the same home, which is in his name. He works out of state, and comes home every other weekend. I've tried to remain civil, and friendly, with hopes of reconciling, or getting back together. This past summer, I felt he was doing things, and hiding a lot from me. I'm thinking I might have to force him to live by the divorce papers he drew up, which means I'd stay in the home until our daughter turns 18, and he'll have to figure out what to do on his end.

I sent him this email because our 'talks' always ended up with him getting defensive, and agitated. His reply follows.

I just wanted to let you know I know all about your recent trips to NJ, and hotel stays, not the ones you took with our daughter, or the trip last summer to NYC. There's a few other things I know about, but was thinking you'd just be honest about it instead of me finding out. Dates, and times didn't match up with some things you had told me. I found out that if you, and I agree to go along with the original divorce papers you filed, we don't have to go to court. That would mean I'd stay here until our daughter turns 18. She's said she would like to move to another state, I want her to finish high school here. I don't know what you want, or are planning on doing. I want you to know that yes, I'm thinking of telling the kids what I know, and have found out, because I thought you'd be honest about it, even if we're divorced. They are old enough to have a say, and we shouldn't ignore their thoughts.

Have a nice day.

His reply:
I am not surprised at all that you feel the need to tell the kids what you think you know. I don’t know what you hope to gain from it, other than making yourself feel better, but I certainly can’t stop you. I’m sure you are looking at the “history” on the computer, and I took that into account when I booked trips and thought you might be searching. You can jump to any conclusion you want, you can listen to any one else you want, but I’m not going to defend myself (to you or the kids) as I just don’t see the need to. I have been nothing but good to you, and have tried my best to support you and assist with the kids, and (until very recently – like in the past couple of weeks) have rarely seen any kind of appreciation, support or assistance, so I don’t see any reason to. I honestly wish you would show me an ounce of respect and courtesy and stay out of my business. I don’t search through your stuff, or demand anything from you. Drama drama drama! Just like everyone else in the world I guess. I’m sorry if this hurts you or makes you sad, but if you don’t trust me, then you don’t trust me. After 20 years not much I can do about it.

I think what you want is for me to say “I want you to leave.” This would give you reason to say to our daughter “I wanted to stay, but your dad said he wants me to leave.” Just like your telling her I may “cut you off. ”Well, I ‘m not giving you that excuse. If you want to leave, it’s your decision. The only thing I asked is to give me some advance notice so I can figure out what to do with both our daughter and my job, and that you tell our daughter what your decision is. I thought you were done going back and forth and wanting to get her worked up and full of anxiety over things, but I guess you have your reasons. I honestly don’t know why you do this to her.

I prefer not to e-mail of this nature sent to my work account.

I found out he sent flowers to a former female co-worker, when I brought up that I knew about her, and who she was, he said she's only a friend, is sick, and doesn't have long to live. I feel like I'm the one that's crazy, because I told him I still had feelings for him, and have no interest in dating, or having relations with anyone else. We were married 13 years.

So it sounds like he is seeing another woman and you confronted him about that and questioning whether that confrontation was ok? Since you are divorced, what does it matter if he is seeing another woman or not? Was there an agreement that neither of you would date until your daughter turned 18 either? if that is the case, then he broke a rule, if there was no such agreement, then he didn't do anything wrong by seeing another woman. but you state you remained in the home hoping to rekindle the relationship so it is understandable why you are hurt and reacted the way you have. his dating is a clear sign that the relationship is over and that is difficult to accept. that's not what you signed on for. you were hoping to get back together. his actions make it clear that isn't going to happen. but youre divorced, by dating, he didn't really do anything wrong. you do have the right, however, do ask him to honor the original divorce decree and have him move out now that you know youre not going to reconcile. take care

Living with a person you divorced is not going to make you happy. He's acting single and so should you. This idea of living in "his" house until she's 18 isn't all that healthy either.

Have you considered preparing to afford your own place and making a clean break ASAP?

Thank you both for your input. It's gotten really difficult these last few months having him come home, and trying to act chummy with me, while he's not being honest. I know we are divorced, and we're not obligated to treat each other as our spouse. We had talked about maybe getting back together, so I've hung onto that possibility. There weren't any rules about dating others, I have no interest.

He feels threatened that I might get a lawyer to revisit the divorce he filed for, and he'll have to 'pay for everything'.
I'm getting my interests in order, and plan on making a clean break, I'm waiting on our daughter to graduate high school. He wrecked the family unit already, I'm doing what I feel is right to not dump our daughter for my interests.

I know what you mean, they act a certain way with us and then go live the lives they left us to live. It's so unfair that they get so much free real estate in our head when they aren't even thinking about us.

That's a nice thing you're doing, staying there for her to graduate...I'm sure she appreciates it

Dilemmas: Should we divorce, but carry on living together for the sake of our children? - Life & Style - The Independent

Is This Nuts? More Couples Living Together After Divorce | Philadelphia Magazine Articles

Live With Your Ex – Survive Living Together After Divorce

Living Together

My therapist, was adamant, that having in-home visitations from my ex was damaging, enough. I trust, his opinion. I'm not sure, that it doesn't risk damage, living together after divorce. Just look at what this is doing to you, let alone, the after effects on your child. I'd bet, there will be lots of studies, done, a decade or so from now, on this whole post-divorce 'nesting' trend.

Thank you for the input. These last few weeks have been just as hard as when I first found out he filed for divorce.

I'll read the links, and have to dig deep to figure something out once, and for all.

Sometimes a horrible ending is better than horrors without end. You have a loving relationship with your daughter, something many cannot accomplish. Well done for that and good luck in your future.

I don't understand this situation at all. I never heard of a divorced couple still living together, maybe im just nieve. If you are divorced already, why would you want to bother with the other person anymore when you know it is a lose lose situation? You are passing a lot of time and effort in this situation here, you could be with someone else or just be happy alone without all the heartbreak, after a clean cut. I've always enjoyed my time before i was married, and am happy i got married at 33, i had a lot of time to do what I myself wanted to do until then. now that i'm married, it is a good marriage, it is still hard for me to be thinking of someone else needing me too, but i've learned it is a two way street, if your ex husband wants out -let him you'll save a lot of time for yourself and your daughter.Good Luck

It does not sound like you are legally/formally divorced. There are no rules or agreements that anyone has to follow. It sounds like your husband is wholly supporting you and your children and that's all anyone cares about if you are not legally divorced. Figure out what you want for your own life and get yourself a lawyer; when your children are gone, at the moment, he can throw you out, sell the house from under you, etc. You do not have a legal leg to stand on, no way to demand or enforce anything whatsoever.

As far as his behavior; if you do not consider yourself still married, what he does is his own business and I would address my own needs (how you are going to live when he no longer needs you to help support your children together).

You'd be so surprised, at the numbers on this!! I kid you not, when I went to my mandatory 'parenting' class that all divorcing couples must take, in my state, I'd say that 90% of the people were still living together, going through the divorce and planned to remain that way, because they couldn't get the house to sell!

It's coined, pop culturally now, a 'nesting' arrangement, divorced/separated under the same roof!

So much of this, because of financial constraints. I was one of a few that wasn't under the same roof. Hence, my thinking, well, maybe, I can have some compassion for my exh, and his living situations and just allow him to continue to visit the kids, in my home, after the 45 day, 1st stage of visitation schedule was expected to graduate to his own place.

For me, it turned into a volatile situation. I could share a link, that discusses the difference between what co-parenting really is, and what the effects are when two people remain in contact to that extent...

I don't entirely understand this concept either; the whole point of the divorce/separation is to LEAVE isn't it? I spent a month and a half waiting for the separation to happen amicably and it was an emotional hell. I can't imagine sticking around waiting forever when it's bad enough to justify a divorce.

The cases, at the parenting class I went to, were waiting for the divorce to complete, needed that certificate to hand in for finalization, I personally, couldn't wait for my ex to get out from my home. Well, he's just another story altogether.

When I went for my restraining order, saw another nesting scenario, where the woman's finger got broken. To me, I see staying under the same roof, as creating resentments, confusion, and potential for volatility, whether it be physical or emotional. Even, the OP, states checking the emails of her exh. I am presuming ex?? Living under the same roof, does give at least one party a hope for reconciliation, real or imagined.

If the house cannot sell, in what the stories were, in my parenting class, just how can each party stand it? The tension, seems to reason, it could be thick. Stress, emotions, no one able to just breathe and move on. Sounds like torture.

I may not choose to live like that, I just wonder about the effects on children, 5, 10, 15 years down the road? Parents, supposedly, sleeping in separate rooms? Or, yes, kids, we are divorced, as one or the other sneaks into the other's bed, from loneliness?

I'm not sure, what really goes on behind closed doors, at the same time, divorces need to finalize, so that each individual can heal from the wound of divorce and the ending of a relationship.

In this case, I think the OP was doing what she felt was the right decision based on her ex's signals that he might be willing to reconcile. She put up with a lot of stress thinking she might be able to save a broken marriage and that takes guts but I think that most times the WS says those things on the way out to hedge their bets because they're not as secure in their decision as they say they are.

When my wife left, she spent a lot of time telling me she still loved me and assuring me this is just a temporary thing she needs her space...and she might be right, but after a week I could see a change in that.

Either way, people who were left need to spend time recovering and she was denied that time.

I appreciate everyones input. When my ex husband filed for divorce, I was thinking of moving out of the home, and state. In the divorce papers, he wanted me to remain in the home, to raise our kids, so they wouldn't have to move, or change schools. He did move into an apartment, but asked if he could return to the home, which I agreed to.

Up until recently, things were civil, and we treated each other like room mates, respecting privacy, and each others space. With his out of state job, and only being home every other weekend, he gets aggravated when I ask him if we can talk about our situation. He says he will have to think about getting back together, that he still has feelings for me, etc. I let him know it might be best if we agree to go by what he originally drew up, and not be here. If he wants me to go, all he has to do is tell me, but he tells me I won't have anyplace to go. We're in this situation because he wanted the divorce!

And, oldlife_disrupted, you are right. I felt I was doing the right thing by not bailing out on our kids. She is almost done with high school, our son graduated last year. A part of me remains hopeful we work something out, but a part of me has also been preparing myself for the unknown too.

Thank you again for your input.