[LaCaBe]

I feel like I'm a shadow of Tipper Gore... married our high schools sweethearts, and 40 years later, 40 years of the same person; Gores are "amicable?" My forty years is chock full of hurts and betrayals that have festered and consumed. 40 years of why didn't we cut our losses and just face the awful truth? Both children of alcoholics, but a sixpack a day is not an alcoholic, he says...

I use to think he was my savior..., he saved me from a grim awful alcoholic home. For years I never thought to question or ask if his decisions in our life were right or wrong or if I had a say. I remember so well when he asked me.... when did you change? I was such a scared emotionally stunted child when we married. He was my rock and my world no different than being a toddler that thought parents are gods... until you start asking questions or things don't equal up their pedagogy. Leaving us with babysitters to party and drink, telling us we couldn't afford clothes, but they looked like the Kennedy's.... it wasn't long before my high school sweet heart started sounding a bit like he didn't really have all the answers, but what he decided and what he wanted was the way it was going to be. I didn't question, until I returned to school to earn a degree.

I think I know why men didn't want women to get educations or vote a century ago... it makes you look at the world, analyze, seek truth, and that might undermine authority in the home, in the marketplace, in the world. We've come far as women, so why are there so many physically and emotionally battered women? I have not been a prize either raped just months before our wedding, the beginning of one resentment harbored for years, the virgin taken from him. Then education ignited seeking of self or was it seeking of self that sought education? I don't know, but I know my world changed. I discovered I wasn't the retarded (educationally challenged) child of my youth, but it took reaching my 40th birthday to get there, to find out my parents were insane to let school systems document and replicate grade advancements indication an IQ of someone who could not learn much less feed themselves, yet not an argument from them. I was 25 when I discovered that I was dyslexic and capable of learning, just a different way.

I became a voracious reader, seeker but the perfectionist of the dyslexic was already a fierce survivor and competitor. If I couldn't be competent in school, I could do anything I watched being done hands on to perfection. That's how a teacher discovered my learning disability and gave me a failed test orally. The beginning of mastering class and homework and grades. I graduated at 40 magna cum... and started loosing the man I married. He started treating me like I watched him treat his mother. No wonder she was always angry and frustrated with him. She was hurt. He never called her, never sent a card, she *****ed if he did, so he didn't call, write or visit. Occasionally we'd travel back home for a reunion, and she snubbed him, so the cycle intensified, until she was nearly 90 and in a rest home and fell and we were called to come home. He agreed with his siblings, morphine overdose. Of course there is more to that, but I know that she was trying to tell them that she did not want them to let her die because she had stipulated no tubes in her living will. Not one sibling was a college grad, it was no tubes, that's what she wants... at her age lets make it easy... morphine.... it took her 28 or more minutes to drown in her own fluids. It took me one day after to succumb to the worst fear and depression since my hysterectomy.... and pills looked so easy.

I was in a hospital forced to repent within the very pages of my studies.....psychiatric care.... and a wake up call to... who is this man I married? He already makes decisions whether I disagreed or not, what if I were in her state? I found out. I left him after that, after a month of outpatient group gave me the insight that no one is worth giving up your life or independence for, certainly not your life. But, like a battered woman, he was charming and so like the boy I remembered after I had my own apartment and could say yes or no if I wanted to. Before the year was out, I went back hook, line and mindless.

Our years are both emotional and physical, I started slapping his face, he'd throw me to the ground and hold me down until I hyperventilated or screamed myself into hysterical crying. If I screamed or cried as a child, the outcome was the same, and I married it. It was all fine if I was quiet and dutiful, as a child, and as a wife, but if I individuated, questioned, even acted out, it was fair game for punishment... discipline was not factored in catholic schools or homes, punishment was the yardstick, mirrored in my marriage. It's all gone up in flames this memorial day weekend. How did we (... I .... ) let it get this far out of control?

In my youth, going to the boat was our safe haven where the grownups got drunk and we somehow kept ourselves from drowning unattended. I was a girl, not allowed to sail, or take the wheel, or even the handle of a 15 hp outboard motor. So, my midlife was my own boat, a nice boat, a cabin cruiser, and who knew a dyslexic would remember every move, every maneuver she watched for years. Twin engines.... I was finally the captain of my world. Men get up from their seats, guard their hulls or pilings convinced I'm going to nail that sucker into their boat or dock or gas tanks. I've piloted alone, no mate, no crew, my dog at my right side, first mate; some women, more satisfying, their husbands, would utter, nice job captain. Rearely did that come from my husband. Often a guest would answer, "you're the captain, we go where you want, you say who gets a fender or a line or port or starboard is where we bring her in...."

This weekend, the man who should have my back, my first mate, my mate.... growled and snarled, "you think you are the boss, controlling me. No.... he never wanted to learn how to handle the boat. I watched him, the man who refused to take boat safety, or respect why there is a captain at all on a vessel. It was like watching our marriage play out... a marriage works when captain, first mate and crew (children) work together, have each others back, the captain and first mate interchangeable, equal if not agreeable to the direction, safety of vessel and crew above all else. He would not lift a finger to grab a line or secure a fender, he just spewed at me and drank his beer, then another, and another.

Once back at home port, by the time I secured the last canvas, anger swelled in me so great that I decked him right in the jaw at the first nasty control freak remark out of his mouth. He called me a **** , a word more despicable than any other connotation, to me. 40 years flashed before me, no surprises, nothing that wasn't written on the wall time and time again, just a finality that felt as empty as childlessness, as empty as the words "love you too, let me call you in the morning, it's late.... " after not hearing from him all day... empty like the promises to go on vacation but always finding a project that had to be done that was more important than re-connecting, rejuvenating, remaking what couple's let fall between the cracks. Cracks become major foundation issues, and then the dam breaks.... ours did.

So if you are reading and wondering how four decades could just end.... really ask yourself how well or not you may or may not have watched the signs, tried hard enough to shore up what was beginning to crumble. Abuse is abuse no matter who doles it out. I slugged him. Mortal wound. He called me the unfathomable. Moral wound. We let our marriage die. We are both to blame, but what now, I'm nearly disabled, 59, how will I live, work, where do I go after the courts dissolve this marriage? Will I ever know mature unconditional love? Am I even lovable? Some old sailor might think where did god keep you all these years.... a thought in my heart one second and bag lady can't breathe anxiety the next.

Tipper has the same years in memories to wade through and let go of, but tons of money and children and grandchildren to keep her feeling wanted and needed. I have to learn to captain my own life boat now, alone, no wheel, no rudder, no mates, no crew. Is there really life after divorce or am I naive, life really is a grim tale for woman over 40.... what I'd give to have come to this eyes wide open at 40, 45, 50, 55...

LaCaBe, you have been to hell and back more than once. You have been a survivor too. I hope you find the life you sick, or make it.

Best wishes.

[Perna]

You're in a good community property state and I'd say you have more than earned your "half". Don't know what will happen in the future; I certainly hope you get to know mature, unconditional love; I feel sure you're lovable (from what you have to say and how you express yourself). You're a gutsy woman with a great deal of valuable experience and wisdom!

So sorry you have to go through this additional difficult passage at this time.

[(JD)]

I'm sure we'll begin to hear about how Tipper Gore managed to keep her sanity living with a narcissist. It's a difficult journey, as anyone living with or around one, but to have someone in the spotlight of the world ... wow! Yes, she will have money to continue ... and I suspect her life will become much easier now. It won't erase the lost years of her living in such a shadow though.

[sunrise]

Your writing is very powerful, LaCaBe. Even though what you shared was very painful, I enjoyed reading for the power and yes, artistry, there.

Originally Posted by LaCaBe

Is there really life after divorce or am I naive, life really is a grim tale for woman over 40....

Yes, there is life after divorce. I have separated and divorced in the last couple of years and feel happier now than I have for years. It is great to be on my own. From what you wrote, where you were at in life was no picnic, so there will be some positive in not being married anymore.

I'm nearly disabled, 59, how will I live, work, where do I go after the courts dissolve this marriage?

I urge you not to let the courts take control of the dissolution. If you are not able to support yourself, especially if you gave up education and career opportunities due to the marriage, especially if you are disabled, you should get more than 50%. Yes, it's hard to go through all of the divorce c**p but don't be passive, feel bad about yourself, and let them award you whatever. Make sure your situation is factored in to the settlement. You can be passive and rest and recuperate after it is over.

Gores are "amicable?"

LaCaBe, you know the marriage is over, so if you can be amicable, do it. It will not make this process easier if it is more conflictual then it has to be. Couples who split amicably save themselves grief and stress (and money to the lawyers). You only help yourself. When you are through it, you can have zero contact and moan about him to your heart's content. (Your writing is so powerful, you could write an incredibly searing volume of poems.) But if at all possible, do yourself a favor and split amicably. However, divorcing amicably doesn't mean you lay down and play dead and accept 3 cents to his dollar for every year of marriage. Be strong, but civil. I recommend:
Fair Share Divorce for Women by Kathleen Miller

And for poetic inspiration, try Marge Piercy's book of poems, Stone, Paper, Knife. Your writing reminds me of her.

Good luck to you. It is better on the other side.

[50guy]

Wife and me talked about this too. (Tipper & Bore), He is a total a-hole and wacked out a bit too. Anyway, she said to me......why did I stay with you all these years. I said I don't know...good sex? She said yeah, but that isn't enough. I said I wonder sometimes too. I said wanna go camping at the beach on our vacation? She said yeah, that would be nice. It's called commitment, we have children, and grandchildren. Sometimes it's not easy and love wanes but I don't know what I would do without her.

37 years...................................

[canineserenity]

I am ending a relationship after 12 years. We both came from alcoholic homes and he too decided that he would search for answers in the bottle. He got sober in January but says he has to work on his sobriety and can't work on our relationship.
I think the power of those beginnings is hard to break.
I wish you the best.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

LaCabe,

You are a beautiful writer...I would read any book you were to produce and I think you should and call it "Tipper Gore and Me"...

I'm certain there's a salt out there who would love, respect and honour your skill with a boat...Golly if you were in Oz I reckon my Deej would fall in love with you...he is a boat lover, someone who needs the water near him to be happy...but I would have to fight for him lolll...

You painted a landscape of your life; in words you showed what no movie could show thankyou for this. I don't mean to be rude in any way. I am giving you the kudos you deserve and I know there is a man out there who is going to love having you there as his captain or firstmate...

Rhiannon

[LaCaBe]

Lost is an understatement for where I've been and how long it's been since your post... Would love to catch up if you are still active!

[hannabee]

Originally Posted by LaCaBe

Lost is an understatement for where I've been and how long it's been since your post... Would love to catch up if you are still active!

I jus read your post and then realized how long ago it was written. Please tell me, how are you? Did things turn out okay after the divorce? I'm looking at ending 34 years of marriage to a man who never wanted for ME to succeed at anything except being a wife and secretary to him. IS there life after divorce at our age?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by LaCaBe

Lost is an understatement for where I've been and how long it's been since your post... Would love to catch up if you are still active!

Some folks are still around. I for one would love to know how you are doing.