[jvalentine1043]

I have been pondering something after a recent conversation with my fiancee. My fiance's ex-husband has been coming over to her house Mon-Thurs for awhile now (before I entered the picture) to spend time with his 7yr old daughter. Even though he only lives 10mins away, this was done to help alleviate any stress that the daughter would have over the transition of them being separate. I was told that he comes to help her with her homework but often times this may end up with him having play time with her and recently my fiancee told me how the three of them participated in a balloon fight.

Recently, my fiancee told me that her expectation would be that this practice (of him coming over) would continue and not only continue but since I am bringing a 17month old daughter to the relationship, that this would now probably include interaction with the ex and my daughter as well. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm not even sure how I feel about him coming over to the house (not to mention if we end up buying a house together) and especially the expectation that my child would be included in the play time with his daughter. However, I am also torn because I want what's best for the girls and if coming over is helping his daughter, who seems well adjusted, then I would want that to continue but is it wrong to not to want to include my child in that? The girls are already so very close.

[healingme4me]

My therapist, has told me, that when I allowed for this type of nested coparenting scenario, it would lead to long term damage of the children. Clearly, my ex was unable to emotionally divorce and my kids were being sent conflicting messages.
At that time, I kept trying to establish boundaries, reminding ex it needed to change and why. He gave every excuse in the book.
Maybe explain in a way that expresses your needs, impressions, worries. Without ultimatum nor jealousy, place the ball in her court.

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[NWgirl2013]

Your fiancee is marrying another man and while I understand she has a child with H#1, she & her daughter need to be building a life with you & yours now. Does she have full custody? If not, that would be something to establish, so that the child has one home and is not ping ponged back and forth between them. I tried the joint custody dance for awhile as my ex insisted on it. But in the end he gave it up without my asking because he could see that my two girls needed to be in one home.

The seven year old is old enough to start going to see dad at his home for visits. Perhaps that is how it will play out after you marry, that he sees her a couple days a week and she has a normal home life with her new blended family.

I see how you would feel like this is just a little too much of the ex in your home and picture. It almost sounds like he wants to be another dad to your daughter, and that does feel a little icky to me. But at the end of the day, his playing with the kids is not such a big deal, as long as the guy goes home! He should be given some parameters to work in, boundaries that everyone concerned is comfortable with. And time with just his daughter, away from the rest of this new family.