[mdoleman]

My story is not really different than that of anyone else's, here, but I thought I would tell it anyway, just by way of introducing myself and hopefully getting some words of advice.

My divorce will be final within just a few days, ending a 16 year marriage and relationship of 24 years. I've been with my wife for more than half my life and simply know of no other life than that I've shared with her. She is a lifelong sufferer of virulent OCD, along with the typical, accompanying depression/anxiety, and off-and-on bouts with "borderline" personality (I've never been entirely certain as to what that means, exactly). Over the past couple years her symptoms had begun to worsen on an alarmingly steep slope, to the point that at times she would exhibit behaviors and mindsets that I can only describe as nearly schizophrenic.

I've known, almost since I first knew her, that there were problems. Despite the struggles, however, the problems always seemed to be at least manageable, and we enjoyed our lives together, to some degree. There were moments of wonderful, close companionship, and I came to know her as one of the most delightful, caring, sweet, and kind individuals I've ever known.

But on the other side of that coin were the dark moments that anyone in this sort of relationship knows about all too well: major overdoses of prescription medication, occasional abuse of alcohol, severe paranoia, social anxiety, verbal abuse, totally baseless accusations, etc. I lived in fear and with misery as my constant companion for much of my life. I did everything that I could to be supportive, but of course any human being has their limitation. I have needs, too, and one cannot retain one's own sanity while giving-up everything of their own life in order to be attentive to the very focused and specialized demands of someone else. It simply does not work. What I'd begun to realize was that I was rapidly losing my own grip on sanity and would soon be unable to function in my job, and in my role as "head of" the household.

It truly seemed as if the only possibility was for us to split up. For a very long time I struggled to figure-out how that would work--i.e., how on Earth she could possibly "make it" on her own. I can't even begin to convey how lost I felt. Our relationship was so utterly co-dependent that there just seemed no way. My constant "running interference" on her behalf had yielded a situation in which she simply lacked basic life skills. And, also, the fact that I'd made almost every important decision in her life for her meant that she had no ideas of her own with regards to how to approach her own mental health.

The solution that we attempted was for her to move out on her own, at least for a while, so that she would have to apply some skills to her own life and be in a position wherein she could feel free to make decisions for herself. It seemed like a good idea and for a brief moment it appeared that it might be just the thing. But then a series of events caused the situation to spiral out of control for her and it became obvious to me that things were outside the realm of even our joint ability to control. She lost her job and got into legal trouble. At that point it was time for her family to intervene, and I finally concluded that I had no choice but to file for divorce.

I'm very glad that she does have family that care for her and have opened-up their hearts and home to her. From what I know she seems to be doing better and is slowly attempting to get back onto her feet and move forward. I honestly wish her the best in that.

It is so very, very difficult, however, because I am left with essentially nothing. I am totally alone--we never had a family, and the circumstances of our lives meant that we did not have close ties with family and friends. I am completely adrift and, of course, viewed at least to some degree as the "bad guy" by her family. I'm sure that in their minds I am the coward that "abandoned" my wife because she is flawed and helpless.

The fact of the matter is that I am as deeply in love with her as I have ever been, and am haunted constantly by some of the truly beautiful memories I have of our time together. I am a deeply caring person, and I came to know the beauty of her giving nature and the lovely, graceful character that lies at the core of her soul, however deeply buried under dark clouds.

The only thing I experience, now, is the pain of loss. All the terrible memories of pain and suffering seem to be gone, and the only things I can remember is her beauty, her lovely smile, the sound of her laughter, her desire to enjoy life, and the familiar comfort of her caring companionship. It really hurts badly to have those memories in my heart and to feel as if I somehow failed her. I can't help but feel as if I did the wrong thing. I feel like I have thrown-away my marriage simply because I wan't strong and courageous enough to cope and be as supportive as I needed to be. It's an awful feeling. No one I know seems to even begin to understand.

[waiting4]

mdoleman hello, and welcome....I am so terribly sorry for what has happened to both you and your wife, and for the precarious future you probably feel she has, as well as the guilt you obviously feel. Please know, it's not your fault and you aren't to blame for her illness. I'm not sure if you will be able to, but maintaining a friendship with her later may help both of you move on, without losing the wonderful memories you made together.

Right now tho, I think you need to think of your own emotional well being and while divorce has become an obvious necessity, I also think you should seek out a therapist to help you thru this very rough patch. You are probably suffering from PTSD because of the years you've spent trying to support a very sick woman you loved and love so much. A qualified therapist would be able to understand what you are feeling, and will feel as the days turn into months and then years, and they would be most helpful to guide you back to your own personal good mental health.

I don't know if I can be any help to you, but please feel free to message me anytime...I'm most willing and happy to be a listening ear, if nothing else.

Take care...

[cjw2013]

Your story has brought tears to my eyes. I agree with waiting4 and say that you need to know that this is not your fault and you aren't to blame for her illness. It sounds like you did everything you could, to be as supportive as you could be. I understand the pain of loss, of someone that you love, even though it may not be to your degree. I'm so sorry you are hurting.

[mdoleman]

Hello, thank-you for your note to me. I appreciate it very much. I haven't been too sure of where to turn for support and feel very lost, so any words of understanding are so greatly appreciated.

My first post here doesn't even begin to describe the depth of sadness and confusion that I feel. The thing that everyone seems to want to tell me is that it will "get better" with time. Right now, though, I am so broken-hearted that I am not so sure I even want it to get better. I just want my lovely wife to be happy. That's all I really care about.

That's the point I wrestle with: living with her was so difficult that I was losing my own grip on sanity. Without her, my heart is in pieces and I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.

Thanks once again. It's so very nice to experience the understanding and support of strangers. Feel free to talk to me about anything you'd like, also, and I am sure to respond (if perhaps slowly).

[relady]

I am so sorry for your loss. One moment you're the hero,
The next, you are seen as the evil outcast...at least, that is how my divorce to a BPD man went down. 25 yrs 4 kids and now I am evil, simply because I escaped his abuse. Perhaps you escaped too?