[volga]

Hello ! I am new here. I just find out that my husband of 2 years cheats on me since the first time me met 4 years ago. He has an affair with married woman for 4 years, has an affair with his secretary for months and has numerous friends with benefits at the same time.
I am so chocked that i cannot even think properly...oh and i am pregnant....
I don't understand how someone who says he loves you and cares about you, can be so cruel ...I just don't know what to do...

[Travelinglady]

Hi, Volga, and welcome to Psych Central! Wow, your husband sure is a louse! Has he admitted to all of this? Is he willing to try to be faithful in the future? Can you live with someone who has treated you this way? Could you be able to live away from him and take care of the baby?

I think those questions are the kinds you need to ask yourself in making a decision.

[volga]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

Hi, Volga, and welcome to Psych Central! Wow, your husband sure is a louse! Has he admitted to all of this? Is he willing to try to be faithful in the future? Can you live with someone who has treated you this way? Could you be able to live away from him and take care of the baby?

I think those questions are the kinds you need to ask yourself in making a decision.

Hi Travelinglady,
Thank you for your response
I didn't tell him that i know yet....i am too devastated to even have a discussion right now...i am almost full term and i am scarred to harm my baby.
I don't think he will be faithful ..after this i won't be able to trust him.
I am not from US ,i am living here just because of him so i need to go back to my country and find a job. It's scary, no job ,no husband and a newborn...

[hamster-bamster]

Do you not have a green card yet? You need to cool down, consider your options, and possibly contact an attorney. He is your husband, so you have legal rights and he would have to pay support. You wrote that he is having an affair with his secretary. Nowadays, it is rare for a person to have a secretary because everything is electronic, so he must be in a pretty high paying position to have a secretary - right? You also wrote that you have been married for two years, so you probably have a green card application in the works. That means that you can have an employment authorization - not that you'd want to work with a newborn at home, but at least you have a legal right to work, which many people simply do not have. If you go back to your country - which, based on your geographic username, is having more than its fair share of problems now - it would be much harder to collect support. Your best bet is probably to separate from him but not divorce him, get support, and eventually find a job. You need to talk to two lawyers - an immigration attorney and a family law attorney. You are in Boston - not in the middle of nowhere - so there must be plenty of free and sliding scale resources for you. Go to a Legal Aid clinic, present the situation, and ask for advice and help. You are not helpless - since you are married to the guy, he has legal responsibilities with respect to you and your baby, so you just have to ensure that you enforce those responsibilities against him. What you are doing now - being shocked and figuring out his frame of mind - is useless. Call the Legal Aid instead. Once you have a baby, every logistical step, such as sitting in a legal aid office and waiting in line, would be harder, so you need to act now and act quickly.

Good luck.

[healingme4me]

Contact the Mass Bar Association, Suffolk County Bar and Women's Resource Network for referrals.

[Ansley Wyman]

As what people would always say, our happiness is basically would depend on the choices we make in our life. If you feel that you no longer feel happy then, it is but right to address the issue. Life is too short to live in misery.

[eskielover]

Once trust like that is destroyed especially even before the wedding......there is no way to really ever restore the feelings of trust or even a safe marriage feeling...it that you will never know when he will decide to just blow off the marriage I go for a divorce......so it's better for you to take the action first.

If you are in the last term of your pregnancy, there isn't much that will really effect the baby in a negative way by this point.....shoot, I was doing down hill skiing the week before I had my baby & my last month was so stressful I lost 10 lbs because I was stressing about the fact that I was going to have to have a c-section because my baby was too large to deliver naturally. You might be stressed but your baby is fully developed at this point.......there will basically be no effect......so what you need to focus on in you & your babies well being.....& getting support from this guy is probably the best thing at this point in the whole mess....but you really need to go to a lawyer & get input as to what the best way to proceed is.

[volga]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Do you not have a green card yet? You need to cool down, consider your options, and possibly contact an attorney. He is your husband, so you have legal rights and he would have to pay support. You wrote that he is having an affair with his secretary. Nowadays, it is rare for a person to have a secretary because everything is electronic, so he must be in a pretty high paying position to have a secretary - right? You also wrote that you have been married for two years, so you probably have a green card application in the works. That means that you can have an employment authorization - not that you'd want to work with a newborn at home, but at least you have a legal right to work, which many people simply do not have. If you go back to your country - which, based on your geographic username, is having more than its fair share of problems now - it would be much harder to collect support. Your best bet is probably to separate from him but not divorce him, get support, and eventually find a job. You need to talk to two lawyers - an immigration attorney and a family law attorney. You are in Boston - not in the middle of nowhere - so there must be plenty of free and sliding scale resources for you. Go to a Legal Aid clinic, present the situation, and ask for advice and help. You are not helpless - since you are married to the guy, he has legal responsibilities with respect to you and your baby, so you just have to ensure that you enforce those responsibilities against him. What you are doing now - being shocked and figuring out his frame of mind - is useless. Call the Legal Aid instead. Once you have a baby, every logistical step, such as sitting in a legal aid office and waiting in line, would be harder, so you need to act now and act quickly.

Good luck.

Thanks for your answer, you gave me life i did not receive my green card yet....maybe next month. I will contact the legal aid office this week, i did not know about this institution ( i dont have friends here to advice me so....)

[volga]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Contact the Mass Bar Association, Suffolk County Bar and Women's Resource Network for referrals.

Thank you so much for this advice, i will contact them

[volga]

Originally Posted by Ansley Wyman

As what people would always say, our happiness is basically would depend on the choices we make in our life. If you feel that you no longer feel happy then, it is but right to address the issue. Life is too short to live in misery.

I cant be happy because trust is gone....i feel bad for our unborn son tho

[volga]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Once trust like that is destroyed especially even before the wedding......there is no way to really ever restore the feelings of trust or even a safe marriage feeling...it that you will never know when he will decide to just blow off the marriage I go for a divorce......so it's better for you to take the action first.

If you are in the last term of your pregnancy, there isn't much that will really effect the baby in a negative way by this point.....shoot, I was doing down hill skiing the week before I had my baby & my last month was so stressful I lost 10 lbs because I was stressing about the fact that I was going to have to have a c-section because my baby was too large to deliver naturally. You might be stressed but your baby is fully developed at this point.......there will basically be no effect......so what you need to focus on in you & your babies well being.....& getting support from this guy is probably the best thing at this point in the whole mess....but you really need to go to a lawyer & get input as to what the best way to proceed is.

Unfortunately i agree with you, i wont trust him again...i feel humiliated by him...I am almost ready to give birth so i will wait until then and will go to see a lawyer

[nushi]

All the advice you've been given here volga are great

I just wanna add that give it a try & talk with him (either before or after you give birth, according to which suits you more), you're not gonna lose anything by talking with him, trying to understand, even though I'm definitely not justifying at all what he's done.

Maybe he's got a sexual problem, addiction, etc. Anyway, you MUST get the support you're entitled to from him according to what your legal aid will tell you, like everyone here says Even if you have to be only separated from him, without getting an official divorce paper, it's better than returning to your country clueless of what to do when you already got used to life in America...

Also, if you feel you don't love him anymore, don't feel bad about the baby, 'cause if you live together in the same house having fights & hatred between you that would definitely NOT be a healthy environment for the baby. Instead, you could find somebody else who really loves you or even live alone with the baby, & in either case that would be a much calmer & loving environment for the baby to grow up in ♥

[volga]

Originally Posted by nushi

All the advice you've been given here volga are great

I just wanna add that give it a try & talk with him (either before or after you give birth, according to which suits you more), you're not gonna lose anything by talking with him, trying to understand, even though I'm definitely not justifying at all what he's done.

Maybe he's got a sexual problem, addiction, etc. Anyway, you MUST get the support you're entitled to from him according to what your legal aid will tell you, like everyone here says Even if you have to be only separated from him, without getting an official divorce paper, it's better than returning to your country clueless of what to do when you already got used to life in America...

Also, if you feel you don't love him anymore, don't feel bad about the baby, 'cause if you live together in the same house having fights & hatred between you that would definitely NOT be a healthy environment for the baby. Instead, you could find somebody else who really loves you or even live alone with the baby, & in either case that would be a much calmer & loving environment for the baby to grow up in ♥

Thanks for your advice Nushi, yes i will confront him after giving birth , i have 3 weeks to go... But i really don't want to hear anymore lies...I think returning in my country will be easier, i have my parents there, my friends etc...i here i have no friend, nobody, just him.

[hamster-bamster]

If you have a large network of social support at home, the option of going back is attractive, both for you and for the baby since here the baby would have no grandparents.

However, this should then be a medium-term goal, AFTER you secure support. Support obligations are very serious - one of the most "serious" types of credit obligations in this country, as evidenced by the fact that one cannot discharge child support debt in bankruptcy and one can even lose a driver's license over unpaid child support. So you basically need to have an official court order for support, some kind of a bank account AND somebody in Boston - say, a lawyer with whom you can email or Skype - to make sure that husband is paying and to call the dept of child support if he stops paying.

So you really need a lawyer, even more so if you plan to go back home eventually.

And if you go back home, I would make triple sure that all support arrangements are official and formalized and that you have a US bank account to which support is transferred. Then it would be for you to wire money to yourself in the home country. Do not let your husband enter into any agreements along the lines of "of course I will be wiring you money" - make the arrangement formal and enforceable, so that you will not depend on his whim in the future. Having a bank account in Boston would make it easy, if your husband falls short of paying the full support amount, to prove to the department of child support that he is not paying. The cost of wiring yourself money is probably $30 per wire; if you wire yourself money once a quarter, it will be $120 per year. A lawyer charges 2-3 times that an HOUR; so if the husband is supposed to send you money abroad but does not do it, you will need to spend several lawyer-hours proving that the husband is not paying. Therefore it is far cheaper to have a bank account in Boston. Plus, if you intend to keep your greencard, you will need to spend 30 days in the US every year, so a local Boston bank account would come in handy any which way.