[unplugmealready]

Hi all,
I just wanted to get some things off my chest. So here goes...
Me and my wife are more distant than ever. We have nothing in common at and I feel no connection with her at all. When I say this I mean I try to be a couple with her but she never gives the same back to me. I ask her if she loves me and she says she does but she never shows me in any way. I always initiate the kisses and cuddles etc.
I am seriously considering going out there on my own but a few things stop me.
1.Finances. We are collectively in a ton of debt and I don't know if I'd be able to survive financially (I know this is a poor excuse to stay with someone).
2.My child. I have 2 children but only one to her. He is my son and I would give my life for both him and my daughter but I have a huge connection with him and I would never take him away from her but I don't want to leave him. I know there is the option of seeing him on certain days etc but it is so hard to do. I have been in situations like this before and it has broken my heart.
3.Fear. I am getting older and feeling less attractive each day. I could be alone for a long time. Also she scares me. When we broke up once before (years ago) it was for similar reasons, she followed me in her car, she hacked my fb and email accounts and even created fake accounts to try chatting me up. She wouldn't leave me alone and text me constantly, when I changed my number she would email me instead. This was all abusive. When I eventually thought there was a posibility she had changed I made a concious decision to make my marriage work. But she hadn't changed. It is just the same again. She tells me she loves me yet she won't get close to me in any way, we sit on opposite sofas and stare at our mobile phones most of the night. She goes to bed early to avoid sex and I never get sex. Its just like living with a house mate and sharing a child. I mean, what do I do? Is divorce or separation a bit extreme? Am I just being over the top and expecting too much from her? Should I stay until my son is old enough to understand? I have no idea what to do at all.
I went to get myself re-diagnosed yesterday and was told I had gotten worse with my depression and anxiety. I have changed my medication and I am just at a complete loss as to what I should be doing.
In an ideal world she would tell me she doesn't love me anymore, she would leave me and say I can see my son whenever I like. She would let me get out there and find someone who does care and who does love me. I don't think she is having an affair but I just don't understand why she is so distant. If I ask her its the same old excuses. "I'm just tired", "I feel dirty, I need a shower" and other variations of these. Where am I going wrong? If flowers, wining and dining and other romantic gestures don't cut it then I have no idea what else to do.

[Vhern1]

Originally Posted by unplugmealready

Hi all,
I just wanted to get some things off my chest. So here goes...
Me and my wife are more distant than ever. We have nothing in common at and I feel no connection with her at all. When I say this I mean I try to be a couple with her but she never gives the same back to me. I ask her if she loves me and she says she does but she never shows me in any way. I always initiate the kisses and cuddles etc.
I am seriously considering going out there on my own but a few things stop me.
1.Finances. We are collectively in a ton of debt and I don't know if I'd be able to survive financially (I know this is a poor excuse to stay with someone).
2.My child. I have 2 children but only one to her. He is my son and I would give my life for both him and my daughter but I have a huge connection with him and I would never take him away from her but I don't want to leave him. I know there is the option of seeing him on certain days etc but it is so hard to do. I have been in situations like this before and it has broken my heart.
3.Fear. I am getting older and feeling less attractive each day. I could be alone for a long time. Also she scares me. When we broke up once before (years ago) it was for similar reasons, she followed me in her car, she hacked my fb and email accounts and even created fake accounts to try chatting me up. She wouldn't leave me alone and text me constantly, when I changed my number she would email me instead. This was all abusive. When I eventually thought there was a posibility she had changed I made a concious decision to make my marriage work. But she hadn't changed. It is just the same again. She tells me she loves me yet she won't get close to me in any way, we sit on opposite sofas and stare at our mobile phones most of the night. She goes to bed early to avoid sex and I never get sex. Its just like living with a house mate and sharing a child. I mean, what do I do? Is divorce or separation a bit extreme? Am I just being over the top and expecting too much from her? Should I stay until my son is old enough to understand? I have no idea what to do at all.
I went to get myself re-diagnosed yesterday and was told I had gotten worse with my depression and anxiety. I have changed my medication and I am just at a complete loss as to what I should be doing.
In an ideal world she would tell me she doesn't love me anymore, she would leave me and say I can see my son whenever I like. She would let me get out there and find someone who does care and who does love me. I don't think she is having an affair but I just don't understand why she is so distant. If I ask her its the same old excuses. "I'm just tired", "I feel dirty, I need a shower" and other variations of these. Where am I going wrong? If flowers, wining and dining and other romantic gestures don't cut it then I have no idea what else to do.

Sounds like you are in quite a storm. If it is your Son and daughter that brings you unconditional Joy, then focus time and draw strength from that love. I think, now is not a time to consider leaving with those that you love most. I sense there is much love for your kids and your wife.

You’ll need to get your finances in check; this may not be an ideal time for you to go it alone. Tell me more about yourself, how is work going and how can you maximize your income? You'll want to always provide for your family, whether you choose to stay or not. I believe that leaving will be the more expensive option.

I sense a trust has been broken somewhere along the way with your wife, it may have had an impact on her love for you. Is there a trust issue? I know that sex is important, but for the short term, try not to let it guide your decisions, feeling or hurts, just deal with it. Don’t fret over your age or become overly concerned about the future, those thoughts are not really important. Think of what you can do right now.

[unplugmealready]

Hi Vhern1, work is going okay I guess. But I work nights 4 on 4 off and regardless of that my situation was exactly the same when I worked days so I don't think it is due to that. I don't like my job but I am looking elsewhere. The reason I am doing the nights is to get the debts paid off so it is a start I guess. I love both my children dearly and my wife too. I just get frustrated because I can't seem to (from what I can see) make her happy or get her to at least show me she loves me. I don't try to make sex the ultimate priority but when you haven't had it in 4 months and the time prior to that was 3 months, it makes it feel like she really doesn't want me in that respect. But I do try not to let it be the forefront of my issues. She does have trust issues but I am not sure I am fully to blame for that. Other past relationships she had could've made an impact. But she only showed that when I left her that time mentioned above.

[ChipperMonkey]

I don't think that fear is a good reason to stay in a relationship.

[eskielover]

Is it possible that your wife had some sexual abuse or a rape in her past that she hasn't dealt with. Sometimes those kinds of things show up as problems with the inability to show a loving connextion in marriage.

I had an issue with my husband even before we got married...Respect issue with his attitude & behavior. 33 years I realized after I left that I never loved him& the issues I had before the marriage were the one's I left because & a few more that grew out of them.

I left 7 years ago & still trying to get the divorce finalized now after IRS issue finaly over....only a few months ago I finally researched what one of my T's had suggested might be wrong with him....& it explained the problems 100% ..I always felt he could do nice things but felt no emotional closeness...his behaviors could come across as passive aggressive....it was the lack of emotional connection & ability to show caring that was the key to believing their suggestion was correct....A dx that wasn't even known about until 1994 & not easy to dx in adults....but it explained why the right love words were there just not the emotional connection that would be.

Not easy to know their past & their causes for current actions & maybe she needs therapy to do some processing of her REAL emotions not just what she says. Actions speak louder than words & her actions say there is a problem that hasn't been handled.