[rebecca1938]

HI ALL,
I am new here. If I were to write everything down here, I'd be hours, so I'm going to try to be succinct. I got married at age 22, having dated my DH since I was 19. He was my first boyfriend, second I'd kissed. I feel like I was too young looking back. I was partly escaping my mother, and I saw my husband as being a provider. We had a child together, bit at the time he worked for his parents so he could kind of roll in late, take weeks of holiday time etc...well, his dad ended up selling up and we moved to the US. At the start he was working (kind of) for a company his dad owns, but then went bust. The last 2 years, he has been working for a company that he was lucky to end up in. In the end, he found it too stressful and in March 2014 he quit his job with no new job to go to. Now, I have NO objection to him quitting a job that he feels he will have a heart attack if he feels he continues in. BUT, it has almost been a year and he has no new job. I told him as he was telling me he was stressed to start applying for other jobs, bu he did not do that while he was still working. The thing that gets me is that he sits all day and watches TV on his laptop. I mean, seriously!? he should have applied for seasonal jobs or something. Help me.

[Altered Moment]

Welcome to PC.

That is a difficult one. I think the relationship should be based on more that him being provider and you being mother but obviously his sitting on the computer all day and not looking for work is a big issue. How have you been surviving the last year? Is he getting unemployment? Is his Dad supporting you? Often men if they are getting unemployment or something and the bills are being paid have no incentive or motivation to look for a job as long as the bills are paid. As soon as they see that source of funds drying up then they get panicking. If you nag him all the time about it it might have the opposite effect. If you threaten to leave him it has to be real and not an idle threat.

[Lifesized Ninja]

It's possible he's not being lazy but instead is depressed. When I was let go 3 years ago at a job there wasn't much available in the area. I'd go apply at three places and come home and play video games for 6 hours straight. Then I would eat something and continue the trend all the while my wife is at work. It was wrong, but it was a coping mechanism as I was so ashamed I couldn't provide, so i just shut down in "fantasy land". Maybe ask him about seeing a psych, but do it lovingly.

[rebecca1938]

Thank you for the replies! I agree that he doesn't quite see the urgency because he has been paying the bills using money he had from something, I think a combination of money he saved, plus money he had his dad gave him or something. I believe that he indeed will not panic until the reality is that money is gone. I agree that there should be more to the relationship than him being provider and me mother, but there are other issues and honestly, I could write a novel, but if I can explain what is getting to me. Our daughter has social and emotional issues and has been diagnosed as depressed. I am paying (discounted) to have her at a school that I believe supports her in the best way. Even her therapist agreed if we could pay it to do it. Well, I am paying every cent for her to go there. I guess I am feeling resentful. To be fair, he has been applying for jobs but just getting nowhere, and he won't really apply for anything he feels is not 'him.' My opinion is beggars can't be choosers. He also pays the lotto at $20 per week, meanwhile I am taking on extra work to help pay DDs fees. It's all making me feel SO resentful. I am not a stay at home mom and never have been. I am out there working to put food on the table and to be quite honest there was a time when I almost quit because I was so stressed, but I just couldn't have done that and left him in the lurch financially like that.
I totally get that he may be depressed, and I can try somehow to suggest he go see someone, but I will say that with all DD's appointments, and the fact our new health coverage pays nothing, I don't see him doing it. I can but try. Thanks again.
PS I haven't been nagging, but the problem is that I am finding it hard to cope with the underlying resentment that is building up over him spending money while I am working harder than ever to pay for things.
Our marriage was already really rocky and we were meant to be focusing on that, but I told him, I'm so stressed and worried about what we are going to do money wise that I can't even concentrate on building a loving relationship. He said eventually, if he doesn't get something, we'll have to sell our house. I just wish he'd have thought it through and not quit the other one without a good few months of applying for jobs while he still had the old one.

[rebecca1938]

Hi again,
I added a reply already, but when I clicked 'post quick reply' it disappeared so I hope its just somewhere being moderated.
i wanted to add one more thing. I am currently so stressed myself, that I could easily just quit my job...I really could. Now, instead of it just being a job I don't want to go to, I am under even more pressure because it's paying DD's fees, and buying food. I'm not sure how much more I can take truthfully. I have no other sources of support really either emotionally or financially. I have a DD who has major issues, an alcoholic mother who has no money, and that's it. I feel kind of alone. Friends are great, but at some point you can't keep telling them how hard you are finding life and coping with it is. You know there's only so many times they can hear that...
sorry. I'm ranting. Thank you for helping. I really appreciate it.