Complicated

I'm in a complicated marriage to say the least. My husband and I have been married since May 2013, so not that long. And to just put it out there, I am not in love with him anymore. I love him as a person, my friend, and the father of my 2 youngest sons...but nothing more. We've been through a lot of ups and downs during the course of our marriage. He was there when my mother passed, then we had a miscarriage, then 6 months after our first son was born he suddenly left me. For me, that's when our real problems started, he says for him the problems were way before that. He says the reason he left was because of the lack of love I was showing him. I admit I've been distant, but it's due to the fact that my heart is just not in it anymore. I've told him this repeatedly. Over the past year we've talked about divorcing but really haven't gone through with it mainly because of cost. Also over the past year we've been trying to work things out, but it's just not happening for me. I think we are better off as co-parents and friends. We are a few months away from being able to afford to get divorced hopefully and my main concern now is our 2 sons. He wants to take one of our sons to live with him and have one live with me. I'm not sure I'm very comfortable with that for a few reasons:

He's not very responsible. He's had 2 jobs this year. One lasting 5 days and the other lasting 2 months. These jobs were about 4 months apart and he's still unemployed and has not been spending very much time trying to find another job. I've not been working because it was agreed upon that he would work and I would take care of our sons since they are still very young but recently I've been looking for work since I'm becoming more and more serious about the idea of us living apart. When he did suddenly leave me last year, in my view, the way he did it was very irresponsible to our son. At that time he was the main provider, our son was 6 months old, the car we had was in disrepair, the rear window was broken out because of someone he was giving a ride to among many other problems, it was unsafe for our son, and he also had a title loan out on it for almost $500. He told me on a Friday he was moving out, that Sunday he left. I had no time to prepare and right after he left I found out I was pregnant with our 2nd child. After 5 months we started to talk about the possibility of trying to work things out. I was open to it. One night he came here with all his things, really out of the blue because we never were dead set on living together. Honestly, I think the reason he came back was because the people he was living with were having to move and he couldn't go with them so he had nowhere else to go. This past year, despite trying to work on us, things haven't been good. We've gotten into a few arguments (we don't usually argue) and I told him on a few occasions we should not live together and get a divorce. I'm just concerned about the kids because he hasn't shown himself to be very financially dependable. He always waits until the 11th hour, when the rents due, when things need to be paid in days to do anything. He doesn't think about the future in the way that I do. For example, we barely have money for diapers, wipes, etc. so he goes to his friends house and brings home 2 kittens I know we can't afford to properly take care of. I have no say in this matter. He says I worry too much. I don't want to take our kids away from him in any way because I know that he loves them and I know I couldn't go weeks or months without seeing any of them. And honestly I need his help in parenting our kids and sharing responsibility. I don't have much of a support system. I have a caring family but they have their own lives, problems, and responsibilities and they're just not able to provide the help that I would need. I want to propose shared parenting to him. Does anyone have any advice for me on this? Anything would help. Thank you.

Does he like one of the kids more than the other? This sounds very odd to me. usually the courts try to keep siblings together. If one of you has custody of one and one has custody of the other, the kids would rarely get to be in the same place at the same time, they'd miss growing up together. Could he be doing it to avoid paying child support? If you have both kids he will definitely have to pay child support so he may be thinking if you each have one it will be a draw, you each just pay for the one you have. I think it's rather unusual for siblings to live apart unless one chooses to live with the other parent.

Your husband does sound irresponsible and it also sounds like the marriage has been over for a long time. Joint or shared custody sounds like the best idea, you're not taking them away from him but you'd have them primarily and make sure they are taken care of.

He's come up with a few reasons as to why he thinks I should have one and he should have the other. One reason being that if we do the shared custody and say I have them one month then he has them the next he will have to constantly adjust his budget and scheduling. I don't see a problem in that plan honestly. I don't know if he's trying to get out of paying child support or not. And yes I did bring it up to him that if it were to be the way he wants it our kids won't know each other really and I don't want that to happen. I tried to have a good conversation with him the other day about it and he is dead set on doing it his way and in the end I just got aggravated. A part of me just wants the courts to decide because we aren't going to in my eyes.

Constantly adjust budget and scheduling?

It's called being a responsible adult with children! (I honestly think this guy is very immature.)

Don't let your kids grow up without each other. I think that it's cruel to rip siblings apart. They even try to keep siblings together in foster care situations when possible.

Any guy with half a brain would know that he can have the same darn budget every month. It's called saving! Save more one month, spend more the next. i.e. Eaven things out. He just wants to have more money to have fun.

I hate to say it, but get rid of the kittens. Give them away. If you can't afford a divorce, you can't afford kittens.

In my experience and observation, when separating and divorcing we are often shocked at what our soon to be former loved ones are capable of. It sounds like he's already a pretty selfish guy, and if you're concerned about whether or not he's responsible enough to care for one of the children I would trust my instincts on that.