How to prevent triangulation

So I caught , or feel caught, in a triangulation between my daughter and her father. He started taking this parenting class that I referred him to that I ended not being able to take because she got sick and I had to take care of her. Now he's making a effort to get to know her on one hand and is quitting jobs on the other. I have a big resentment against him because instability prevents me from being able to plan fun things for my daughter. To further complicate things she sees him as the fun dad as he gets to impulsively spend money as he doesn't have to shelter and feed and educate her.

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I'm sure she'll grow to know the difference. Didn't he learn that offering financial stability is important in parenting? I know, rhetorical.

Seems logical to feel resentment for needing to be the responsible one while he shows her toss caution to the wind, money burns holes in wallets lifestyles. That can't possibly sustain during the rest of your daughter's childhood. He'll disappoint for sure. Just be there to be her shoulder when he does.

: grouphug:

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She's 15, he's been this way her whole life. I finally had enough of it when she was 4 and told him
To leave .

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Does he at least pay child support?!

It is court ordered and last month I did not get the full amount as he quit one of his part time jobs.

15 is rough. I can envision your nightmare. On one hand you want her to have time with her dad esp. if they have a good relationship; but on the other hand you being the primary parent are taking on all of the expenses and stress of raising a teenage daughter! My advice is you gotta stand your ground with your ex on sharing the parenting responsibilities. If the 2 of you are able to communicate then make a list of what you want and think is fair to ask of him. I.e. Visits are parenting time first fun time second. If scheduling allows, he should share in doing homework with her or taking her to appts/ drive her to and from school, activities and what not... If there is time afterwards then they can do something fun. As far as financial responsibilities go, if he's got the money to take her to the movies or out to eat or buy her stuff then he has the money to pay child support! Basic needs have to come before wants! If he is spending on things she needs i.e. School clothes, lesson costs, school supplies etc then I would accept less child support but if he is only spending money to make himself "fun dad" then make note of this and bring it to court. Also depending on the custody/ visitation agreements you can always file a motion to structure visit expectations.
Sometimes you just gotta be firm. Keep your head up Leomama! It sounds like you are a wonderful parent.

The way you feel is totally understandable. If it were me, I would just let him be the 'fun dad' he wants to be, taking her to movies. I know it's hard to have to be the 'heavy' parent, and it's not fair, but I think your daughter will see it for what it really is and respect and admire you. I'd tell her "it kills me that I don't have the money to be able to have more fun with you, but I am glad that at least you are getting to enjoy things because your father wants to do those things with you". You can still do plenty of special things with her that don't cost money.

Additional thought. Even tho it seems she loves her dad, inconsistent parenting is very harmful to a child. You gotta be tough. If he can't provide consistency, then he can't be in her life! You gotta fight for what is best for your child first. At 15 ,in many states legally,
she may have a say in the matter. Have you asked for an evaluator ( ad litem) I know I'm spelling that wrong....? They can give their opinion to the judge weighing her wishes and needs. They will also look into his life and assess whether or not they feel he is providing adequate parenting during his time with her. Be aware this could go not in the way you want! But if he is truly irresponsible and inconsistent... The assessor should be able to easily see this and encourage the courts to make him prove he can hold a steady job and provide for his daughter if he wants to see her. Double edged sword results, possibly.... If he is found inadequate, your daughter will probably be pissy at you about it and depending on her personality may even rebel against you and try to go stay with her dad, but 15 yr old girls are often pissy towards their moms anyway and most likely she will not react rashly in the second part mentioned, but if she does and if his living situation is not adequate or the court has ruled in your favor, then he has the responsibility to inform you/ return her to you immediately. If he doesn't then technically it's kidnapping and if you and or the police have to hunt her down, then it just further proves his inability to be a parent. Hopefully it doesn't ever have to get that nasty, but you cannot allow him to walk all over you, and being in and out of your daughters life is setting a male role model precedent that ingrains on a young girl psyche the building blocks to be vulnerable to future abusive relationships! Sorry I'm quite a bit drifty today.... But please from one mum to another do WHAT ever you have to to protect yourself and your daughter! She may "hate" you in the short term, but in the long run I'm sure she will thank you for your love and respect you for your strength. ... Sorry I've seem to have unloaded some of my crap onto your situation... Damn Triggers lol. I truly hope you are able to work out a balanced and amicable solution. As far as feeling like you are missing the fun with you daughter.... take every tiny moment to laugh, listen, and share with her that you can get.... In my experience, children may get all excited over large gestures, but it is the small happy moments that create lasting memories

Of the handful of people that I know that have gone on to move in with their "fun parent", 100% of them, granted it's a small sample, moved right back in with their more responsible parent. I really wouldn't worry about feeling triangulated in a sense that your daughter won't eventually recognize the difference.

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Look on the bright side - at least he sticks around and your daughter has a (fun) father-figure. My dad died when I was a toddler, I never got to know him and I feel that it left a hole in my life. My husbands dad was an abusive gambling alcoholic, he never wants to see him again.

He doesn't stick around, he doesn't see her anymore.

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And she still sees him as a fun dad?

No, things have changed since I made this post.

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Did she change her mind about him?

"......but I think your daughter will see it for what it really is and respect and admire you."
I think maintaining your daughter's respect is the best thing you can do. She will gradually lose respect for the parent (ie, dad) who disappears when the going gets rough. The challenge is taking the high road and avoiding parental alienation and putting her in the middle of your resentments towards her dad.

I don't have resentments towards her dad.

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Things change quickly when someone is as irresponsible as your ex seems to be. Glad you are there for your daughter......she needs stability especially at this age.

Interesting, our daughter is in her 30's. I left my H 8 years 8 years ago. I would never say anything bad about her dad, but I would tell her the things that were happening. She had communications with him but very little because he doesn't communicate with anyone. I had been doing some research to understand what I had gone through in the marriage & came to the understanding that I had been dealing all those years with someone who has Asperger's. I commented to our daughter about it & was asking her what she had observed. She said that we had hidden much of the troubles from her. I always thought that she was closer to her dad than to me because I really didn't connect with small children though I did as she grew but had my engineering career I was focused on. I was so shocked when she came up with the comment about how lazy her dad was. I often wonder what brought about that vision of her Dad to her. It's interesting the way we see our parents that our parents really never know. I know the way I saw my parents wasn't easy to hide but I did a good job of working with them in spite of their dysfunctional ways.

I'm sure your daughter sees her Dad for what he is if my daughter could see her dad in ways I had no idea that she was seeing him. We don't talk about it very often as I don't want any openings where I might end up dumping my thoughts about him because I want her to see him through the relationship she has with him, not through the relationship I had & still have trying to finalize dealing with him.

Thank you, as my partner says, my ex made himself irrelevant .

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It always amazes me at how easily they can do that.....make themselves totally irrelevant in our lives.....glad they do because it frees us from any guilt feelings for leaving & only validates the reasons we know we have for leaving.

I mean he made himself irrelevant to our daughter . I told him to leave.

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Sorry to hear that. Your OP expressed frustration with the situation. How's your daughter handling things, if you don't mind sharing/elaborating.

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She's 15, she's dealing. He's very passive and expects me to do his dirty work for him and I refuse. I find talking to him very frustrating so I do my best to be polite .

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