[WrkNPrgress]

I just need to get this out of my system.

I broke up with my ex a couple of months ago. We were in counseling for a number of reasons, some it her stuff some of it mine, etc. The biggest issue was 'communication' or rather the lack of it and how any difficult decision melted down into screaming fits. She was verbally and emotionally abusive. I finally chose to leave. In doing so I have come to realize verbal abuse doesn't happen in a vaccum. There was a whole pattern of behavior that fostered and festered leading up to these 'big' incidents. There were small things I ignored and little boundaries I let her walk over all the while.

In our last session, where I told her I was leaving and we were making an effort to hash out what was who's in terms of stuff, she did one more 'drive by' manipulation: She told the counselor I could have the old furniture because I "wouldn't let her" buy new furniture. Essentially, she accused me of controlling her then literally walked out the door.

Never in our relationship did I say "You can't buy that." I had no control over her finances. What I thought we had were conversations about priorities and budget and I have always acknowledged that am more conservative about spending on big items than she is. I am the 'worry wart' about spending on things we don't absolutely need when there are other things we do need. (i.e., a new roof, paying down vacation spending, and other debts, etc. ) What I refused to do was charge up a credit card for replacing functional items when I was still paying down previous purchases. Period.

This kind of 'drive by' reversal and blame on me in a situation where I can't respond is exactly the kind of manipulative and abusive behavior I had to get away from. Since that day, she's had two or three communications 'request' of me certain commands on how and when to handle things. Each one handled with a passive aggressive swipe or mitigation or insult. I finally put down a 'no-contact' rule. It was hard but the further out I am the more grateful I got out.

I still think of things she did and said that made me question myself, my own motives, my self-worth, etc. and I still have anger about all that I will have to work out over time.

I just wanted to write that out. i guess the lesson is this, when you're IN a relationship with someone who is hurting you, you don't have the room and time to fully process it. It's only afterwards you can get out of the fog, look back and see all the ******** for what it really was and begin your OWN process.

[MrMoose]

As my relationship with my wife enters the phase that will probably include separation and divorce I realize that the years of her controlling behavior was bearable until I started to speak up on something that was immensely important to me, one of my children. At that point she started to go off the rails and double down on the controlling behavior. It's immensely painful while its happening, because it includes a lot of threats, violence, verbal abuse and so forth. But I am also able to step back, and check in with a few friends who remind me that I'm a good father and a good person.

[eskielover]

You are & have been so wise....with your finances not letting her spend money you didn't have & this final statement. Yes, we get so bogged down in the forest, we can't see the forest for the trees.

I left my bad marriage 9 years ago....moved 2100 miles away when I finally had the chance. Walked out leaving most everything including some cloths & most everything else accumulated in the 33 year marriage.

It wasn't until a few years ago, time, space, living around normal people to understand what normal really is & wonderful therapy that I have been able to analyze & understand what actually caused the marriage to fail from the beginning.

I had heard for so long that you can't run away from yiur problems because you bring them with you...so I wondered why the only problems that kept occurring kept coming from him & realized that I was the one still cleaning up the messes he made & that I wasn't having problems communicating with the normal people who were now touching my life. I started to realize that I was capable of learning how to communicate with normal people & the issue wasn't mine. Lots or research & understanding it's taken to integrate my past with my present to understand myself, why I made the choices I did when I did, but the future is bright & I now LOVE my life & can honestly emotionally connect with those around me after learning what it honestly felt to emotionally connect & communicate with normal people.

There is hope & it is amazing that the anger can really go away.