[Momof2_2016]

Want to appologize in advance for the long thread..

Where do I begin.. I am unhappy, very unhappy.

I recently married the father of my son, and soon to be 2nd child at the end of June. I was a city hall ceremony and was kind of last minute. We figured we might as well.

Here's some background on our situation.

I'm 32, he's 30. We met 5 years ago and had our share of up's and down's, plenty. After our son was born we started to have difficulties communicating, so many explosive fights had happened around then. To the point of me asking him to move out. He has a huge temper, and a horrible way of seeing things outside of his own beliefs.

During our time apart he moved in with his father for about a year. He drank and drank and drank to the point of obliteration. He would go out to clubs and drink and take klonopin to boot. Within the time he moved out, I'd say about 3 months, he had a DWI with property damage. He continued to drink his life away. Very emotionally immature and unstable he was at the time, I still would let him over at least 3 times a week to see our child.

When he'd come by, he'd just curse at me, give me mean faces and tell me how i was garbage and wished i would just die. Still I let him visit our child. Eventually he met someone who and moved out of his dad and into a new place, and then allowed her to move in two weeks after meeting. I would say that lasted about a month before they started calling the cops on each other.

I decide in order to keep sanity and the health of my child as a priority, to let him take my son with his mother out during "visits" I just could handle him say horrible things in front of my son.

Fast forward to summer of last year when I guess they were not on and off, he started drinking 24 hours a day. He would drink during work hours at home alone and just black out. He said he didnt like being alone. He did a stint in a one week rehab at the advice of his employer who wanted to fire him for his alcoholism. So he did that but continued to drink and take pills. He got to the point where he would get drunk and decide to come to my house and kick my door to get in. Cops were called and he was brought to pshyc at a hospital via ambulance. that went on for months. he started leaving me threatening messages and calling me a dirty ***** a *****, garbage, and all other types of explicit words. He blamed me making him leave for all of his problems and drinking.

I guess you would say earlier in the year he decided to get himself straightened out after i cut off all contact and said he wouldnt be allowed to see my son. he'd call me crying saying how he's change and doesnt drink and he made all kinds of promises. So after some time we decided to try to make it work, with the agreement that he didnt drink. Not long after he came home from a night shift wasted. And it's been every two weeks since in moved back in April. Don't get me wrong, he loves his son. And we're noq 2 months pregnant. And the arguing every day has returned. His mother is involved in everything, and I believe making things worse, as he only tells his version of everything. Hes the most manipulative immature man, yet not a terrible person, ive ever met. everything is always my fault and he's perfect, and he "only drinks once a week" eventhough i said i bothers me.
He even got drunk in front of my son a few weeks ago. He comes home from work and only speaks about himself and pretends to be a loving dad to our son by buying him gifts of playing with toys.

Im wondering if i should suffer and stay married or move on? He only lives to make himself happy, does not address any issues and oh we havent been intimate since very early June.
I'm just afraid of what he would do to me and my life.

[Bill3]

I cannot think.of a single reason to consider staying with this abusive man. Can you think of any? If you can, perhaps it would be helpful to add them to this thread.

[BipolarMama31]

I also cannot see one point that you made that would leave me to advise you to stay with him.
On top of that, i would not leave him unsupervised with the kid(s).

If it were me giving advise to my best friend who told me all of this, i would tell her to kick him out, get a restraining order for her and the child and start divorce and custody proceedings. I would say he is in need of support for his addictions, anger problems and overall mental health.

There must be another side to him that you havent described. But based on all of that, i wouldnt even leave him alone with my dog.
Im sorry for being so blunt. Especially if i am misunderstanding.

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[Momof2_2016]

Hi

Thanks for your comment.

Nope, all of the above describes him to a tee. I just have a feeling that he's with me for fear of being alone and moving on. He's said to me time and time again, if we split he would be dead and it would be the end of him as he would be crushed and destroyed.
A part of me wounder about the guilt as he would probably spiral.

[BipolarMama31]

He is emotionally manipulating you by saying he would be dead.
That is not constructive communication. I see it as blackmail.
If this were me, the next time he said anything that is abusive, I would call the police and have them take him involuntary mental hospital. Because he is an obvious danger to himself if he would say that hed be dead without you.
And then i would file for protective order for you and your child so when he is released, he cannot come back to your home.

Im sorry i am so blunt, but i worry for your safety. This is very serious, and im sure scary for you. This is a man you love, who is treating you awfully. I would call it abuse.
Maybe reach out to a local support for domestic abuse victims for guidance. Or an attorney?

And please keep us updated. You are pregnant and you have a child relying on you. Ill pray for you tonight.

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[Momof2_2016]

Originally Posted by BipolarMama31

He is emotionally manipulating you by saying he would be dead.
That is not constructive communication. I see it as blackmail.
If this were me, the next time he said anything that is abusive, I would call the police and have them take him involuntary mental hospital. Because he is an obvious danger to himself if he would say that hed be dead without you.
And then i would file for protective order for you and your child so when he is released, he cannot come back to your home.

Im sorry i am so blunt, but i worry for your safety. This is very serious, and im sure scary for you. This is a man you love, who is treating you awfully. I would call it abuse.
Maybe reach out to a local support for domestic abuse victims for guidance. Or an attorney?

And please keep us updated. You are pregnant and you have a child relying on you. Ill pray for you tonight.

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Thank you for your support. It's coming to me as I see it on paper. I think I'm afraid of the ugliness of having to let go, and the affects on my children. and being guilt tripped into think his life is in my hands. My mom and dad raised me better, so I'm not understanding this cycle.

[BipolarMama31]

Its hard to see that someone who has a huge impact on your life and your child and unborn child is actually doing harm to you.
I hope you seek out help for your safety.
Pm anytime

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[Yoda]

It sounds like you and your children would have a more stable life without him.

I am sorry he is treating you so badly.

[Bill3]

He's said to me time and time again, if we split he would be dead and it would be the end of him as he would be crushed and destroyed.

This is emotional blackmail. Here is some information about it:

Emotional Blackmail ? Out of the FOG

[Momof2_2016]

Thanks for this, Bill3. Will have a look now. I've never heard of this idea.but would like to explore for help.

[JeremySParadis]

How your even thinking of living with that guy. Don't get me wrong please but I think you should not stay with him anymore and with the baby coming he is not at all safe. You should consult a lawyer and should get a divorce. There is no point in living with such a man. There was a neighbor of mine who went through the similar problem and she took divorce. Her attorney helped her a lot in this matter, he was always there for her. You can read more here about it and can take some legal advice.

[hannabee]

I would normally want you to work things out for the sake of your children, but it really, REALLY doesn't sound possible with this man. He is in need of some serious attitude adjustment and probably, nothing short of long term therapy is going to help. Please get away and get a look at what a train wreck of a future you and your children will have if you continue on this path.
Big hug and good luck!

[healingme4me]

Alcoholism is a very real illness and recovery is a lifetime of work, therapy, support groups, and mindfulness.

If he's unwilling to address this, morally speaking, it's my understanding that you are not obligated to raise your children under such a roof.

It's lonely for you, it's lonely for your children, too. And it's placing your financial security as well as living situation at risk.

I hope that you are able to get the support that you need. You and your children deserve a safe and secure living arrangement.

"Interrogate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

[eskielover]

Your son is going to be hurt worse by yiur staying with him & probably already has. Just read some of the problems people here write about as adults of alcoholic parents to see what your son will be going through later on in life. If you truly love your son, you will get him out of the environment you are in. If your H truly loved you, he wouldn't be treating you or your son the way he is doing.

No matter how hard you look there is NOTHING good about the marriage relationship you are in because the bad that is being done cancels out any small amount of good that could even possibly be there.