[UniversalTruth]

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I have been on and off these forums over the last couple of years – so happy you guys are all here.

First of all, thank you to everyone who shared their thoughts with me back in 2013/2014. To make a long story short… a quick update. My husband and I decided to get back together after our separation and make it all work. One of his requirements (he had a list for me) on getting back together was that we needed to move to a more economical place so we were no longer living paycheck to paycheck. So we did. I found a job in an area he agreed to. We ended up moving across the entire country with our 2 small children. About 60 days after moving in, he told me he wanted to try and make it on his own because he realized the cost of living was such that he could. He moved out and that was just over a year ago. He also mentioned he met a woman at work who invited him to the beach and he realized the only reason he couldn’t go was “because I am married.”

It has been a long year of him using the children as little chess pieces in order to get his way … to control me … to keep me financially stuck. At one point he even told me if I filed for divorce and custody and made him pay for any child support through the court system, he would show up on my door step “knock on the door and once you open the door, blow my brains out right in front of you.” Now he is actually blaming me for him leaving me.

I am ready to move forward with filing for divorce, begin custody and child support proceedings. In this state, we had to wait a year to file for divorce. After everything that has happened, I feel it is wisest to get a lawyer to help me. Once things are filed and this is all set in motion… things are going to get much worse with him. I need less than $1,000.00 dollars to get the lawyer. I’ve saved almost ½ - and it’s been a long year of saving. Thing is… he has now stopped paying his ½ of any child care and other child related expenses. He has determined his reasons for this as being fair (I make more money… he is with them during the day on some days during the week… mind you – I still have them for more hours on a weekly basis, it’s just that he sees the hours that they are sleeping as not applicable). So – I can’t get the rest of the money together because I barely have $200 left over in the month to pay for gas to get to work and food for my children. If I were to get a flat tire – I would be devastated. AND - I already work 2 jobs!

I feel so stuck… held hostage… at his mercy. I don't know what to do.

[BipolarMama31]

Omg this is so terrible! Stay strong, you have a good plan and are determined. I commend you for your strength.
I would file for the separation and custody and child support now, even without the lawyer.
That will atleast start the year before divorce, and will set a schedule for the kids legally and will lay out who pays how much, including child care costs, insurance ect.
At this point he has every right to take your kids and leave. And you cant do anything about it because there is no court order.
If you file, atleast you will get things started until you can afford the lawyer to come in and help. But for the sake of never seeing your kids again, i would go to the court house and just file for separation, custody and child support asap.

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[hannabee]

Oh my this is a problem. I agree that you should file for a separation and bring the lawyer in later. Some help from legal aid, maybe? or a paralegal...they're way cheaper.

I know it would feel awful, but you could ask for help from friends and relatives. His threat to kill you is very scary. Maybe you need a restraining order in place, IDK, but please be very careful! Big hug and good luck.

[UniversalTruth]

Thank you. I don't have any friends (I have no friends that live nearby) or family (my family is on the other side of the Country... my mom is poor and I don't know where my dad is) that can help financially or with sitting. I have one friend who has already helped me financially and cannot assist any more. It was already too much to ask for what she did give.

[BipolarMama31]

Can you set up a gofund me? Might be hard without him knowing. Any religious organizations or womans groups for domestic violence in your city?

I would apply for a restraining order along with everything else, and make it emergency so it is handled quickly.

Are there any lawyers who will take your case with the money you do have and set payment plans?

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[healingme4me]

Great advice already. Just wanted to say that thoughts are with you through this. Let someone know about that threat!



"Interrogate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

[UniversalTruth]

I have taken on a 3rd job. I should be able to afford the process with an attorney in the next couple of months.

I dont want to do the go fund me thing... it has too much potential to blow up on social media and could affect me adversely.

I found an attorney who can do it all for me for about 1/2 what I had previously been quoted.

Wish me luck!

[BriarWolf86]

I hope you're doing well, UniversalTruth. Where I live, there is a Legal Aid group who can assist with divorce if you've been living separate long enough. They would have assigned a team of attorneys who work for free in most cases, but I didn't want to wait that length of time for my divorce, and my parents helped me pay for an attorney. I was told by my attorney that while my husband does have equal custodial rights so long as we remain married and there is no court order for custody arrangements, my husband's past actions and threats give me a justifiable reason to keep the children on my property, or meet him in a populated public place so he can't take them from me and refuse to return them. There is no legal separation in the state where I live.

For the record, his actions and threats include overdosing intentionally on the twins' bedroom floor while they shook him to try to wake him up, pointing a loaded gun at me, and threatening to slit my throat while the children were present. There are no police reports for those, only the medical records for the overdose... but there were witnesses, and my attorney says that while police reports definitely help, they are not required. My husband lives in his parent's house, and there was a history of abuse during his childhood. He verbally "ripped me a new one" in the car in front of our children during one of his few visits since separation, calling me so many terrible names, which my daughter now calls me when she doesn't get her way. I used the audio recorder on my iPhone to record that entire event in the car. Basically I was told by my attorney that if my divorce becomes contested, he can't use the fact that I have not let the children leave my property to have overnight visits with their father in his family's home against me. My reasons are justified, because I fear he is mentally unstable and I fear for their well-being. It sounds like your situation falls into a similar category, please check with your attorney.

I'm glad you found an attorney at a reasonable cost, but if things go beyond your retainer fee, there may be free help available to you in your city or state, depending on your financial situation.

As others have stated, I recommend a restraining order. If your children were witnesses to any of his erratic behavior, I highly recommend checking with your attorney to see if it would be advisable to have your kids see a child psychologist who may be willing to testify in court - if necessary - about what they've experienced or possibly witnessed, and how it may have affected them. He may say terrible things about you when you're not around, and that is parental alienation, which is never something a Judge would look upon with any favoritism. Also, I recommend checking what your state law is regarding the recording of phone conversations and physical conversations. Since he has made suicide threats to you, you could possibly get a recording of him making such statements again - but of course - just don't push him too hard to where it may impact the safety of your family. A divorce is a civil case, and 38 states are considered "one party states", meaning that only one party in a conversation has to be aware and consent to the creation of the recording. If you are a party in that conversation, you may record it without your husband's knowledge, and that will be admissible as evidence in a civil court case, if that ever becomes necessary.

If you use a smartphone, there are tons of apps available, like "ACR" (Automatic Call Recorder) that will automatically record any calls you place or incoming calls, and he will never know that you've recorded him unless he hacks the place you store your digital files, or gains access to your phone. I highly recommend ACR for recording calls, if that's ever unfortunately necessary.

I know it's ugly to be ugly, but it doesn't sound like he's trying very hard - if at all - to be the best co-parent he can to you and the family you both started together. Please don't feel guilty doing whatever you have to do to hold your life as you know it together.

Good luck! You are doing a great job, and I hope everything works out in favor of your children and you! Stay strong!