[TishaBuv]

I want to take my sons to a show this weekend as it is one's birthday, and they would love this show. But I am feeling so guilty about only buying three tickets, instead of four and including my h. So I feel like backing down about the whole separation and divorce just because I feel so guilty about not including him in a family activity.

What should I do?

[Ocean Swimmer]

Idea. Ask your sons if Dad should be involved.
Does he invite you to kids events?
Let's not make guilt a motivation. Love. Instead.

[fairydustgirl]

an example of what I did because of guilt and 'trying to be nice'.
last Christmas I invited my separated H to join me and my kids for the day, gifts and dinner because I was having trouble getting the kids in one place at one time myself so thought he would also (my one son was visiting and trying to see friends and family in a short time). I wanted my separated H to be able to enjoy the kids, esp the one that had come from out of town, I was being nice. He joined us, it was an all right day, not too much anxiety on my part.

come to find out, he later had a Christmas dinner with his gf, her kids and one of my kids and his wife. I found out because he was on facebook still with my mom and pictures were posted. we weren't even close to being divorced yet.

my youngest has yet to even mention the gf to me (over a year) and my oldest mentioned her once in passing in Oct as 'dad's lady friend' who wants a paver patio built.

so, just because you are feeling guilt or want to be nice, it doesn't mean your separated H feels that way towards you. I would take the kids to the program and have a fun night with them and not worry about dad. Did you never take your kids to things without him before? My X was gone all the time, if I'd waited for him to be around to do things with us we'd have stayed home all the time.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I feel like backing down about the whole separation and divorce [over the matter of] not including him in a family activity.

Since guilt is never an emotion, I would suggest a careful review of the justification behind the matter of separation and divorce...and I believe there is no such thing as "too sympathetic" even though sympathy is not always a valid reason for specific action.

Guilt about buying three tickets instead of four is not the same as wanting to stop the divorce. I know it is hard to keep the two separate in your mind. Even though you say you have made the decision, it must still be scary to go through the process.

If you had bought 4 tickets and allowed him to come, would that have put you in a triggering situation? (Is it likely that he would have upset your evening?) If yes, then maybe three tickets was the right decision at this time.

Though even if you divorce there will be times all of you will need to participate in things together; but maybe you have to get the divorce behind you before you are emotionally ready to handle that? As far as your divorce goes, I have decided I am unable to give you logical, unbiased advice. I want you to do what is best for you and would think that you are just as cool as a divorcee as you are married.

[TishaBuv]

I bought the three tickets. H hasn't said anything about seeing our son at all. I'm thinking he will call later today and ask to see him over the weekend. At which time I will tell him I made plans and didn't include him. He asked me what my plans were for us celebrating other son's birthday, and I told him a few days ago that I had no plane and that we were each on our own about that. He obviously didn't make any plans with our son for his birthday or my son would have told me he had a conflict.

So the two kids know and are fine with the three of us seeing the show. Neither said 'why not dad come too?'.

I'm just doing a burn about how I can't get the marriage I want from him because he's not capable and I have become absolutely obsessed with it. I just have to try to move on and let go of that anger, accepting defeat.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by leejosepho

Since guilt is never an emotion, I would suggest a careful review of the justification behind the matter of separation and divorce...and I believe there is no such thing as "too sympathetic" even though sympathy is not always a valid reason for specific action.

The justification for the separation is my health and the health of our family. H and I have an impossible stalemate. I'm triggered to outbursts and SH. It's been going on for years and years. A really sick situation.

[IrisBloom]

I think if you just take you and the kids you will start to feel independent and empowered. I know it feels funny to do family things without him, but it has to start somewhere. You already made the decision to separate from him, now act the part. This does not mean there won't be times for him to participate, but for now flex your independence muscles and I know you will feel stronger (and have less doubts about the divorce).

I hope you and your kids have a wonderful time.

[TishaBuv]

And his attitude has become quite cold to me already. I can hear in his voice he realizes we've failed and I am firm about ending this nightmare. He sounds cold and distant. What did I expect? Like he would ever act in a way to make things better?

Yes, I was still hoping for him to say that I am absolutely right, he completely gets and understands me and that he will do everything in his power to fix this. But, he doesn't. Just defends himself and tells me i'm wrong.

So he's taking our son out tonight, and I'm having dinner with a friend.

[Whisper888]

Hope is a fickle *****....
Your story always feels so similar to mine. I recently seen a book the title was "Too good to leave, too bad to stay"
And I thought...thats my life. My marriage isn't terrible, but it's completely unsatisfying. I'm lonely and sad because my husband only puts in the minimal effort into life...and me. And the fact is....THIS WILL NEVER CHANGE. That was the hardest lesson I learnt this year. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. Why? Not because he is an evil soul sucker...
He can't see the problem. No matter how many times I explain it, how I describe it, he just doesn't get it. HE WILL NEVER GET IT. So now the big choice...stay in an unsatisfying marriage and make the most of it. And yes, there will be some happy times. But always an underlying sadness. Or risk it all for a chance at a happier life. It's scary...
Soooo scary...
It's like going all in....with a mediocre hand.
But let's talk about the guilt...if you continue on with your seperating and divorce, of course there will be feelings of guilt, regret at times, anger, sadness, frustration, loneliness. ..and...there can also be peace, happiness, content, love , desire, self awareness.
I went thru a period this past 6 months of anger. I was angry at my husband because I gave 120% to our marriage...and only ever got 20% back. I was angry because I wanted him to GET IT. Because he just needed to give a bit more and I could stay...and it never happened.I needed him to be a better man because I didn't want to have to leave. And he couldn't do it. And I hated him for it...
And after I felt all that anger....I accepted the fact that he can't change. So with the power of that knowledge...I now have to make the hardest decision of my life.
When I read your posts. I feel like...your hovering in the door way. In or out. You eventually have to decide girl...or your just blocking the door...and nothing good can get in :-) Take care