Welcome to Divorce and Separation

Hi, Divorced 24 years, I still have some unusual things to deal with so this forum might be valuable for me. There are still frustrations regarding the estranged children.

Thank you for this sub/forum... separation is the most excruciating abusive pain because it is the opposite of our purpose to connect as creatures in this universe... separation is the matter that has been destroying my soul, life, but I'm trying to create an awareness of the purpose for myself*universe out of this un/imaginable pain...

You can say thar again. I'm going through the same thing and yes the hardest is knowing that the person that we are "connected with " wasn't what you thought. I started dating him when I was 17 now I'm going on 40 and I'm thinking if a person I've connected with on so many levels and knew me my entire adult life could do me so wrong what's my expectation of others.

Now is a tough time to go through a divorce With the social distancing and lockdown situation. I am feeling exceptionally disconnected from everyone and feel very very much alone. My relationship has lasted for 18 years, married for 12. The entire time has been very difficult. It started as a long distance relationship and we married in 2008. And just to clarify, I am married to a woman who started to ask for a divorce four years ago. Last year, almost at this time, I agreed and we started the process but one of the problems in this relationship was a constant change of mind on her part. Today she asked again and I said we can’t keep doing this, we need to go through with it. I feel both relieved and deeply saddened.

I am very thankful to have found this for him.

Hi,
New to the forum. Been separated from my wife and kids for almost three years and now in the process of divorce. Trying to change her mind but not hopeful anymore. Just lost my job this afternoon and feel like she’s going to use this against me as another reason to justify things. Feel like everything has gone wrong for me while others (my friends) seem to be simply enjoying their life and families. Thanks

I'm suffering horribly from the divorce with my wife of 19 years. I'm seeing a therapist and medication, but I am so scared and sad that I have trouble coping.

Hi there! I am new to this site. I left my husband 2 days ago. We have been married for 23 years, have two grown kids and the most amazing puppy. This is the second time I've left him- the first time, he talked me into separating- we were separated for 2 yrs and got back together at the end of 2018. I love him, I don't know what I am going to do without him, but I have found that being mean to each other is not a way to be in a marriage.

We got married after I found out I was pregnant. Probably not the best idea because we had so many problems from the beginning, but we loved each other. My husband pretty much raised himself and his brother. His dad didn't have enough energy to try and stay in their lives and his mom was prone to abandoning both of them at a very young age. Needless to say, he didn't know the first thing about relationships. He did however, know how to innately show physical love and affection for both my kids and myself, an area in which I lacked.

My mom and dad are still married. My mom is difficult, judgemental and very sparing with affection. She says she loves me all the time but I don't remember being touched by her a lot when my sister and I were little. My dad showed us physical love but was very emotionally abusive to me, not necessarily to my sister. I can now say, that though I had parents who loved me, I did not have the best role models. I have realized that I have been extremely controlling and judgemental but have been working on trying to curb that side of me.

I am definitely co-dependent while my husband leans towards emotionally abusive. I say leans towards because while we were separated, he went to counseling and spoke to mentors to get his temper and gaslighting under control. He is so much better than he was and the first 9 months that we were back together were really good. Unfortunately, he did not follow through with many promises that he made for us getting back together and he stopped going to counseling once he decided he had me back.

I feel like I have made way more compromises than he to be back together. I had moved to a different state for my job. I had a place there before we separated but I moved there full time. He wanted me to move permanently back home, leave my apartment and commute to a temporary situation whenever I had to work- I did that for the family though it was very taxiing on me. Just before we had separated, he had bought a car that immediately lost it's value. I had purchased my own car that kept it's value. He wanted to get rid of his car because our payments were so high between the 2 cars, so he decided that the best thing to do was to trade in both cars for one car- He promised me my same car but upgraded. I got less of a car with a much higher monthly payment because he was so upside down on his car. He was supposed to do things with his business - he did not.

I have realized that I show my frustrations with him in public. I pick on him and try to get others on my side for the faults I see him as having. I had gotten better with it, but I have felt myself slipping back into old ways and for some reason, I haven't been able to control it. So many things about him bother me and I know it is not fare.

He did learn to hold his temper, to not gaslight and to try to listen. He is a much better father and husband. He tries to tell me how much he loves me often. Unfortunately, small ways he has treated me in the past have crept up again.

I know that I have not given him my 100%. I transferred to another city with my job- this time, I drive 3 1/2 hrs to get there instead of the 3 hour flight from where I was before. I have rented a room for while I'm down there, so I am spending extra money. I have the ability to transfer to a location 30 minutes from our house, but for many reasons I am not willing to do that- I won't have the same opportunities there and I won't have my independence.

My brother-in-law is staying at our house, he lost his job in the state where he lives, so he decided to stay with us for awhile. The other night, I kept digging into my husband in front of my brother-in-law. The next day, I apologized to my husband, but I think the damage was done, though he accepted my apology. I did something really stupid and almost broke the vacuum cleaner. I freaked out and thought he was going to start screaming at me like he would've in the past. Instead, he was sweet and patient. He told me he loved me and he hugged me.

I have dealt with rape and sexual assault. I have recently been dealing with that, trying to help others and make people realize that women still have a long way to go for equal rights. He has joked and called me an activist. He says that sometimes I get to be too much.
A package from Amazon came- it was an alarm door stop for when I stay at hotels. He questioned it because I tend to purchase a lot from Amazon. I explained that my company has sent out several e-mails about break-ins at hotels and that a woman with my company was just recently raped. He looked at me and said "Don't worry, you're not attractive enough for that!" When I tried to tell him how wrong he was for saying that, he was like, "oh, come on- you know I was joking!" He very much got on the defensive. I am a rape survivor (rape is about control not looks) and I have an issue with my self confidence. It doesn't matter that he has told me that I am pretty multiple times, anything positive he has ever said to me was wiped away in that moment. I tried to keep my composure but he continued to be cruel. I packed my stuff and I left. He didn't try to stop me, he moved his car out of the way so I could get out of the driveway. That cruel person used to come out all of the time. I have seen him only a couple of times since we separated. I told him later that if he would've punched me full force in the face, it would've hurt less than that one statement.

I apologized to him for the way that I have acted with him. I told him that I couldn't get over things in our past. I told him that I still love him, but I just can't anymore. He doesn't understand. He says he knows he says inappropriate things and even though I ask him to not joke in his mean way, he doesn't know why he can't stop. He says he knows he has to work on that but he doesn't want me to leave.

We are not happy. We are mean to each other even though we love each other.We both deserve to be happy, we both deserve to find joy in our lives. I am 47 years old, I can't keep waiting for it. It kills me to leave him because I know how much I am hurting him but that doesn't make it right for me to stay.

I am going to make him pay off my car and the taxes, but everything else, he can have. I will not fight for the house or anything inside of it. I will leave with my clothes and my kitchen supplies that I had at my other place and maybe a few pictures, but that is all. He even gets to keep our baby, the puppy, because with my job, I can't take care of a dog. My husband loves that dog so much anyway, I don't know if I could take him away, anyway.

I am so very tired

Hello, im in the middle of a divorce and thought I could put some input in something I've seen a lot of women in this chat mention.
A few have noticed a "great father" stop being one once he finds a new girlfriend.
My ex-wife did the same, she found someone new, then left me and our 2 kids behind. Even tho I knew what was going on I decided that even tho she broke her vows, I wasn't going to break mine and be there for her anyways.
One day she broke down after quiting her job and getting into some bad situations.
She told me the reason she got so distant from the kids, was that she was afraid to lose the new connection that numbed the pain of the divorce. It may be selfish but all of us in the chat have felt that pain. I never thought the person initiating the divorce would feel that too, but it seems they do. N we would all like to numb that pain. Idk if there's anyway to snap them out of it, and it sucks seeing your kids suffer through it. But maybe all you can do is try n show your kids there loved and pray it doesn't last long.

And if I may just vent a little, this is the worse thing I've ever experienced. Part of me feels like I know she can do better, and I want her to be happy so I should just let her go... but I can't, I really did become one with my wife, first thing I told anyone was I was a happy husband and father... but now I reach out n try to talk to her and get ignored, and it makes me just break down everytime. But then when she needs me I'm there and I feel a little relief, until I try n reach out and it starts again. I believe in every vow I made her but idk how long I can keep this up. I just feel like I did vow "for better or worse" so if its worse, then thats it. I still can't take my ring off, and have hers on a necklace that I can't get rid of.
Its nice to see others are going through it too (as mean as that sounds) but everyone i use to know seem so happy and put together, and im just, lost.
I hope everyone else going through this can get what they want, as fast as possible to get rid of this torture.
Thanks for reading. Just writing this has made me feel better, for tonight.

Hi I am having a very difficult time with my my situation. Would live any advice available

Hi Everyone,

I was just served divorce papers yesterday. We have been separated for two years but i still have so much anger and sadness. I come here because i am not sure what else to do help myself.

My divorce was finalized in March. It feels like we’re still married going back and forth between trying to work things out or not. The divorce is completely my fault. Infidelity and many other traumas I put him through because of my undiagnosed bipolar disorder 1. I have shame guilt self hatred I have many past sexual abuse trauma and an absent mother who never loved me. I have lost all of my family, my person-husband-my friends, and now my kids are scared of me because I became explosive unable to control my emotions. My finances are in the toilet. I have no support system. Every time I think it’s best to stop trying to get back together with him he gives me a sliver of hope. Even though he can’t even say if he would be able to give me another chance much less be in a relationship with me. He won’t take a picture with me. He won’t friend me on Facebook. He says it’s none of my business what he does. But since it’s all my fault and he’s hurting I try my best to deal with it but the rejection and lack of love from him is killing me and turning me into a person I don’t recognize.

I have signed separation papers in May, bought new apartment and moved out. We have 5 years old daughter who that wants us to be back together. My ex seems to want to fix out problems and is intensively working on himself (for the first time) by going to therapy, reading and self reflecting. At the same time he is dating three new woman and is very much interested in one of them. When I head about it my ego started kicking and I wanted to see if I could have him back. After all, why would we start with new people if we can fix things as he says. I didn’t wanted to work on relationship any longer after I found someone new in October. The new person is so kind to me, I felt in love, but now I am totally confused.
I have no idea what I want and what I feel. I take Lamictal and Fluoxetine and am unsure if this is blocking me from being in contact with my emotions.
I left my husband after 7 years because I felt unhappy and drained for years. I felt that. Have tried everything I could to make our relationship work: talking to him,, psychologists, psychiatrists, taking medicine, talking to friends, family, doing yoga, meditation and self reflection.
I am aware of my inability to have stabile emotions , but I am devoted and honest person. I am afraid to hurt others, to be hurt, to be alone.
Should I give a chance to new nice guy, be alone or try to save my marriage?

Hi there
I could use your guidance
I have just begun my separation and I’m going on my second month
My ex has stopped communicating with me and it seems we are headed for divorce
I initially requested the separation in order to work on the marriage but that’s not what’s happening
I am deciding whether I should keep trying or just let it go down the drain...What are your thoughts and advice?

I need help I'm going through. A very hard time and I can't move forward. My just is having an affair we have been separated for a year. He has been lying to me and the other women. Now she calls me to find out if he is lying again. He tells me he's not sure he still loves me but no matter what he wants me in his life. She tells me he acts like I'm dead. My heart is broken I can't stop crying.

hat he wants

I got divorced in 2014 and today in 2021 I am not much better than I was the first year. My marriage was 25 years, 5 of dating and he was my first boyfriend. I never really had that mad love for him but married him mainly because he liked me. Over the years he lost job after job and broke so many promises I lost count. I asked for the separation, he met someone 2 months later and asked for the divorce. He was married within a year. And even though my marriage was not great it was comfortable and was all I had known. When I got divorced I felt like you do when your a child and spend the night at a friends. But when the evening comes you want to go home and you can. In divorce there is no home to go back to and the feeling stayed with me for years. I would have gladly taken my marriage back over the pain and shame of divorce. After all I initiated the separation so the shame and self pity I felt was overwhelming. I relapsed from sobriety and drank constantly. i was taken advantage of by men because I put myself in situations while drunk. The shame of who I had become made me suicidal. The only reason I never acted on it is because I have 2 young adult children. I did see a therapist in the beginning but I couldn’t absorb because I was too consumed with depression and shame. I have tried to fill this gaping hole with men, alcohol, and weed. None of it works. And i sit here 7 years later only slightly better than I was those first years. I write all this to say “do not do what I did.” I barely lived through it. I just googled divorce help last night and found this forum. I believe I am finally ready for the solution whatever that is. I hope to find it in these posts. I am back in sobriety although recently. I feel better just having written all this. Thanks “Plea for help”

I understand the pain and being stuck. You have been through a lot and you deserve to find peace and happiness. I'm having a hard time with both but I know that we decerve better. I'm trying to make small goals for myself and trying to be positive. I guess I'll find out in time if it helps

I am currently going through a divorce with my husband, we've been together for ten years (married four). I have been with him since I was 17 years old, he is all I know. I don't want to get a divorce but he is stubborn and despite trying to change his mind, it's already made up.

At this point, he is completely ignoring me. We have no communication, the only time he writes to me it's in a formal style and is only about the divorce process. Anytime I contact him about anything outside of the divorce he ignores me.

It shocks me that after so much history and time he can be so cold. I am unsure what I did to deserve such treatment. I keep questioning myself and wondering if I was just a terrible wife.

Today I spent the day looking at old albums and reading letters he sent me in the past. There was so much love there, I don't understand where we went wrong and why this is happening. I don't want this divorce, but I know it's inevitable which just makes it so hard to move on.

I can barely eat and have spent almost the entire week in bed. I hate that he did this to me, and I hate that I still love him and want to be with him.

I am sorry @ilovecatss, it really sounds like your husband prefers to go off and sulk and he doesn't know how to communicate his feelings. It also sounds like you were the one that compensated for that lack in him too.

It's hard to walk away when things get to this point, yet, do you want to have to do all the work? That's not fair to you now is it?

My parents divorced just over a year ago. It was really hard for everyone except my father. He got a girlfriend almost immediately. Something tells me he was cheating. I know its kinda stupid but I honestly still cry myself to sleep. My father tore my life apart and I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

New to this forum. My wife and I filed for an uncontested divorce after 11 years of marriage. We have an 8 y/o son and I am beyond devastated by this. I have my own therapist, but wanted to try the online forum route too in hopes to connect with other people that have been through this or are currently going through it. I'm losing my best friend and feel like my whole world just got tossed upside down.