[MrMoose]

Day two after yet another rant about how she wants a divorce. She gave me one of the four ultimatums that she always gives (it's pointless because in the past she has always changed her mind to one of the other three or to "I love you" within a few hours or days).

She's now giving me the silent treatment. In some ways The Silent Treatment is a blessing because then shes not yelling at me. But I am in constant fear, not just anxiety, fear, that she's going flip and get violent with me or with younger daughter or she'll just start trashing the house (all of which she's done in the past).

So that's this morning. Fun it aint. I really need to extricate myself and younger daughter from this mess.

[TishaBuv]

Is she open to looking into what is wrong with her? Have you been to counseling separate or together? Could she have a personality disorder?

Why are you just taking it? Is it that you feel like shared custody would put your kids at risk of physical abuse? (If I remember your prior posts)

You've got a monster on your hands and need an exorcist.

[MickeyCheeky]

It must be horrible to live like this, in constant fear.. I'd say leave, but I guess it isn't that easy

[MrMoose]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Is she open to looking into what is wrong with her? Have you been to counseling separate or together? Could she have a personality disorder?

Why are you just taking it? Is it that you feel like shared custody would put your kids at risk of physical abuse? (If I remember your prior posts)

You've got a monster on your hands and need an exorcist.

She is adamantly and consistently opposed to her going to any kind of therapy, together, alone, whatever. She did agree to talk to the Rabbi but then changed her mind. She has that streak of narcissistic "I'm perfect, everyone else is sick."
Why am I taking it? I'm taking it because I wanted it to work so badly, and I keep hoping, and it only got bad two years ago, and if only, if only, if only.
It's probably classic co-dependency.
And on the other side I'm afraid of her and what she'll do when I start divorcing her and she'll do it for the next ten years.

[TishaBuv]

What happened two years ago that started it?

I'm Jewish, too. Are we just pure bred and bat shyt crazy?

[Erebos]

My ex and I were together 10 years, 8 years were like one long honeymoon then the last two were progressive abuse and violence. It doesn't get better it gets worse.

You need to find a support network. There are places for abused spouses. Yes even men living with domestic abuse, which is what this is by the way, don't kid yourself it's anything else.
You need to break the silence,it's giving her power. I don't mean the silent treatment I mean the hiding it from anyone else.
Record the incidents, encourage your daughter to report to the schools guidance counsellor. Don't make her keep this secret.
You say your wife can turn on the nice switch, but she can't keep it up. Can you record these attacks. Nanny cams are a blessing in these situations.
Is there no family your daughter could stay with just now.
I take it the older daughter won't vouch for you if you reported her?

I reiterate, find a support group for spouses at risk of domestic abuse. It's the beginning of the support you need to get out if you can't do it alone.

Please don't wait til it's too late.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Erebos

My ex and I were together 10 years, 8 years were like one long honeymoon then the last two were progressive abuse and violence. It doesn't get better it gets worse.

You need to find a support network. There are places for abused spouses. Yes even men living with domestic abuse, which is what this is by the way, don't kid yourself it's anything else.
You need to break the silence,it's giving her power. I don't mean the silent treatment I mean the hiding it from anyone else.
Record the incidents, encourage your daughter to report to the schools guidance counsellor. Don't make her keep this secret.
You say your wife can turn on the nice switch, but she can't keep it up. Can you record these attacks. Nanny cams are a blessing in these situations.
Is there no family your daughter could stay with just now.
I take it the older daughter won't vouch for you if you reported her?

I reiterate, find a support group for spouses at risk of domestic abuse. It's the beginning of the support you need to get out if you can't do it alone.

Please don't wait til it's too late.

What happened that started the great relationship to turn to abuse?

I don't think people just turn evil out of nowhere.

I'm not sure if figuring out what started this struggle will help the OP, but in my relationship, there is an issue, a real issue, that escalated the frustration, the inability to solve or compromise. There has to be a root to address, IMHO.

[MrMoose]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

What happened two years ago that started it?

I'm Jewish, too. Are we just pure bred and bat shyt crazy?

Ha! There are some theories: menopause, uberstressful new job, side effects of Qsymia (weight loss drug); and one vote for undiagnosed brain tumor. But its 2 years and i think I'm done here--have to get out.

[Rose76]

Maybe, when she becomes violent, you should call the police.

[nicoleflynn]

The silent treatment is a form of abuse. I highly recommend The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans; it saved my life.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by MrMoose

Ha! There are some theories: menopause, uberstressful new job, side effects of Qsymia (weight loss drug); and one vote for undiagnosed brain tumor. But its 2 years and i think I'm done here--have to get out.

Then it was brought on by nothing you did. There is no issue that she fights about with you. She is just being an abusive monster to both you and your daughter.

I think an intervention/ultimatum is in order. She needs to be shown how her behavior has changed and figure out how to handle it.

It might just be hormones. If it was a tumor, she'd be dead by now.

Sending you strength and good wishes.

[Open Eyes]

Another thing that can cause these mood swings is birth control drugs. If she is using birth control so she doesn't get pregnant, she could be changing her hormonal levels to a point where it is contributing to her mood swings. A lot of women simply cannot take birth control medications.

It's always best to look at health issues "first" and with women often the culprit is hormonal.

[Erebos]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

What happened that started the great relationship to turn to abuse?

I don't think people just turn evil out of nowhere.

I'm not sure if figuring out what started this struggle will help the OP, but in my relationship, there is an issue, a real issue, that escalated the frustration, the inability to solve or compromise. There has to be a root to address, IMHO.

He quite simply wanted out, he wanted out of the relationship and the responsibility of being a parent to 6 kids.
But he was too much of a coward to end it and I was too stubborn to let go.
So he gradually made things unbearable, I still refused to leave despite the damage it was doing to our kids.
Until he put me in the hospital. At which point the child welfare stepped in.
Said I could keep kids only if he was out.
That woke me up.
I was so in love with what we had I could not accept it was broken beyond repair.

I do not consider my ex a habitual abuser as such, because I don't for one minute think he would raise his hands to anyone else.
We had become so fixed in a way of being we couldn't get out of it. And he didn't want to work it out.

OP, and his wife are in this same kind of cycle, but she is hitting her child so he needs to get her out now.
No if buts or maybe's.
I might have excused violence towards me but had he raised a hand to our kids I would have killed him and he knew it.
Sort things out after your daughter is safe.