[Nutcracker112]

Let me give you a brief backgoround. My wife and I have known for almost 17 years and we have been married since 2012. We knew each other through long distance relationship. I have been a virgin all the time until i met my wife. Right from my first honeymoon night, i was not able to penetrate her fully due to my erectile dysfunction issue. We tried a few times later on during the course of the relationship but could not get it through although i was able to break ger hymen. But not a satisfying sexual experience for her. However we both share a very strong feeling and emotional bonding with each other which has led us this far. We cuddle fondle and give head rubs and massages and we hug affectionately when we sleep together.

We have had constant arguments in our relationship and she has lost all the trust and faith in me.. many times she things i am gay, does not trust in money matters. We both are working couples. However, She still thinks i somehow spy on her and know all her financial accounts. she hates my family to the core and most of our arguments escalate due to that as my family and her had some issues during the begining of our relationship as to my wife not being respected by them. I took some treatment for my ED issue but it didnt help me much and now although i feel my love and affection has improved than before along with my better erection, for the past couple of years my wife is not allowing me close to her if i try to initiate sex. She gives some or the other excuse to avoid sex although she has noticed that i do get better erections than before. At the same time, I did not want to force her and wanted to give her own space. However we spend a lot of time cuddling and fondling and massaging each other many nights and hugging and sleeping together. We enjoy dining outside, trips together but not one time she is completely happy as some or the other argument worsens the situation. But many times she conveys the fact that i do deeply love her, that I am a good man and that she will never find a better person than me in the future if she leaves me.

However, on the negative side, she constantly complains the below-

1) i dont make her feel like a complete woman
2) i care less for her compared to my parents
3) she does not want to have a kid from a family like me
4) she feels like she is in a cage when she is with me
5) she thinks that i spy on her electronic media.
6) we live like brother and sister
7) uses abusive words for my parents and sister.

We are basically from South Asia and a society which cares a lot about 1 marriage and live for ever. It so happened that i took her to my native parents home to settle all differences and an argument ensued and spiralled out of control with my mother and sister. Things turned ugly and she was thrown out of our home. I did whatever i could to support her in front of my parents and sister but couldnt control the situation. I also moved out of the home along with her and our bag and baggage.

The inlaws incident turned tragic to an already down spiralling relationship. After that, we have had constant arguments and she became so distressed that she wants a divorce. I convinced and consoled and begged her many times but nothing helped. She involved her parents and brother in her family. And now she along with everyone in family wants us to seperate. I am the only person who wants her back and fighting for it.i have lost contact with my parents as well. I am handling this all alone. Fast forward, we are back to US and got back to our work.

She says she wants to move out in a month. She discussed the situation with her brother and he agreed to support her in this regard. She has changed ger goals now. She says she wants to work for 2 years and settle back in asia and help her parents. However I know that she has a very deep affection love and care for me. After a lot of arguments, I gave up and told her she can decide what you wish with our relationship after which she calmed down.She had kinda made up her mind for divorce before even coming to US.

Just a couple of days ago she was too upset when she woke up in the morning. She says she loves me so much it is very difficult to part from me. Said she had discussedvwith ger bortger that she wants to divorce and still live with me.She also said she wants us to live like friends and see how it goes. Initially she wanted us to sleep seperate rooms but she insisted us to sleep together daily in the master bed room without any physical touch. However, the same day, she removed all our marriage wall photo frames and kept it inside.i see the pain in her and i realized all my mistakes of forcing and begging her and not listening to her during arguments. However i dont know what to make of all this as i am gettin,g mixed signals.

Every day i see her in different moods. But i have noticed some positive ones. She cooks food and ensures i eat. She calls me to bed before going to sleep. She appreciated me keeping the house tidy and clean. I keep a rose vase in the kitchen island and change the color of rose every day. However she has said nothing. She wants to move out and expects me to support her to move out so she can be independent and then divorce me down the line after few months. She has also said that she does not want to divorce me immediately as this is the biggest decision of her life and hence the seperation. Meantime i have stopped questing or asking her to move out. I just mind my own business and work and have very minimal interaction with her. In the past couple of days she said she wants to stay upto 6 more months and then leave once and for all. Now she says she wants to leave by Jan end after winter setyles down. She constantly bickers and argues with me for no reason. Undecided and drives her siblings crazy too.

What should be my next steps? Should I allow her to move out ? and not pursue anymore?

[pegasus]

Hi,

Your wife seems to keep changing her mind on whether she wants to separate or not. Constantly moving the goal posts which must be very confusing all round. Does she want to separate or is she using that to try and get a reaction from you. You both need to talk through what you both actually want, not what your family wants but what you two want. Is this relationship one that can be saved, only if both of you want that, you might consider couples counseling.

I will say though, that this relationship cannot continue as it is. Living under one roof as brother and sister is going to be strained and very lonely.

I don't think the ED had much to do with this as your wife took an instant dislike to your family but for future reference it is worth going back to your doctor about that as there are good treatments that work.

So communicate and find out if your wife is really serious about separating or willing to go for couples counseling.