Full Speed Ahead

Part of the drama was my doing yesterday. My 21 yo son is here this summer. When I was upset from the morning call, he came in my room and hovered. I told him his dad had that separate account since 2004, taunted me with it for years, and now I learned he was making money disappear from me. I know... you all will say I was wrong to involve my son, but let him know his dad did such a creepy, dishonest thing to his mom... F him. Here I am dealing with such emotional issues and trust issues and my loving husband was indeed not to be trusted.

My son’s reaction was, “That was wrong of him.” After he left my room, his lack of emotion, anger, and compassion for me, his lack of defense of me rather his passivity triggered me to get even more upset. So I said to my son, “What would someone have to do to me for any of you to defend me?” As I said it I explained to him that I was just triggered and having a bad day of let down, that I was not upset with my kids, rather that I have deep issues with this feeling of never being defended and protected stemming back from my childhood abuse and neglect. My son told me he had planned on speaking with his dad about it. They all met for the movies.

So that is what must have prompted the call I got from husband later last night. He said how sorry he is for everything he did to me. But when I again asked why he took the money, he said that was “trivial”. I heard myself saying, “It’s not trivial. I’m not crazy.” And I asked him to stop contacting me with small talk or apologies that are phoney.

It’s a Catch-22, he says being with me makes him feel like he is “walking on eggshells” and I think everything he says and does is wrong. He is purposely referring to the book on BPD. He is implying the problem is ME with having BPD! But— nearly everything he says and does IS wrong! Why would he think calling to say he’s sorry, but not even mean it, is going to bring us any closer together? It was just antagonizing. If I find fault with him, I get accused of having a disorder. It’s to the point where I have to not listen to others, not care what others say, and just trust myself. When you are being gaslighted even to the point where you are told that you are the problem for finding fault with the person who is stupidly antagonizing you with THEIR dysfunctional approach, it’s pretty maddening.

I’m still wishing he’d say or do something that does make us closer. I’ve been wishing it every time for so long! The man is a broken record of stupid. I’ve told him there are infinite possibilities of what he could do or say, yet he never comes up with anything new. He just keeps doing what doesn’t work.

Even with the sex, I said he was way too passive and doesn’t turn me on. I described exactly what I want, exactly the demeanor and way I am aroused. But then he took that to an extreme level the other way and went to physically hurt me. All he knows is 1 or 10, no level in between.

Yes, my 40 yo daughter hears just the facts about what her dad is doing. Being that she lives half way between our 2100 mile distance she can't SEE what he is doing & he SURE doesn't tell her anything either. He tries to hide what he does but even from 2100 miles away I have eyes & a way if being a good investigator.

I make sure I don't voice opinions about it....JUST THE FACTS (though questions in my mind slip out but I make sure she just knows they are my ponderings & she is NOT expected to provide answers.

She also tells me facts she learns too. We keep it on an information only basis when it comes to the divorce stuff though it has given me a chance to give her some background facts to help her understand where I am coming from & why things were the way they were. Even that I don't approach as blame.....just this is how it was.

I know she has a good relationship with her dad....he was good with kids & had 3 younger siblings....I had none & was not good with kids.....so I just tell her what is going on because she has a right to know BOTH sides.....she can pick how she choses to see it. Actually she is very objective which I like.

Now the lawyers are making a fortune figuring out what he did in the bank account. The nightmare continues. She just told me there are a few accounts he had without my knowledge. Was he a wolf in sheep’s clothing? Did he lie to my face whole assuring me he was the best, most honest guy in the world? I’m not helping the situation by throwing good money after bad. This finished me for future partnerships. If he was a liar and a thief, then no one is loyal and honest. But I was.

Dear mother****ingshithead,

You were supposed to love me. You made a vow to God. You did nothing but neglect and disrespect my needs. It’s hard to cope with the searing anger I feel. It washes over me like a fire that is so hot it feels cold. I will have to feel this burn for the rest of my life. Time will move forward. We will both go back to dust.

I’ve been ‘sick’ for the past three days, since I’ve come home from a nice trip. Having to deal with all this stress has me unable to eat, unable to have normal poops, unable to leave the house, doing my unhealthy coping skill of coffee and Benadryl and PC coping.

Sadly I can relate....right now going through my own divorce nightmare. My anger had receeded since the red I actually saw 11 years ago when I left.....but he & my daughter are definitely raising my blood pressure.

I think the root of the emotion is feeling no control and feeling small and insignificant. That’s where the fury comes from.

I’m drinking water and took hot bath. I just have to cope in healthy ways. It’s my own fault for not eating healthy food, but my stomach and throat is in knots.

Well that relationship certainly ended badly. I’m not even talking to him anymore. How I wished he would have called me back and shown me that he didn’t take more money than I already caught him at. But, alas, he never did anything I wished he’d do. All he did was make BS excuses that were obviously lies, then never called me back to discuss it properly. So now we’ll spend a fortune with lawyers. The whole house of cards comes tumbling down. I’ll pick myself up out of the rubble, brush myself off, move on.

Wouldn’t it be funny to have a wedding ceremony where the bride and groom are hooked up to a lie detector? Do you promise to love, honor, cherish? “I do” BEEP Lies!

Lol....the lie detector would have to know what love is.....do many think what they are feeling IS love when in fact it is just infatuation OR they think it will grow with time & therefore define it as love.

That is why pre-marriage counselling is so important. It does try to act as that lie detector.

Wish I had really good marriage counselling before my wedding. My red flags would have been addressed formally instead of rationalized away.

My theory NOW is that if any red flags exist DON'T get married!!!! & don't live together either.

My sister said I had too high expectations, and that anyone would have hoarded money once I threatened divorce. They said he’d have been a fool not to.

It still hasbto be accounted for in thebdivorce. Not sure if your state is 50/50 or equitable but my Ky lawyer said after a LONG marriage eben equitable states end up being 50/50. & ALL accounts have to be accounted for at the time of the divorce. That is how my divorce petition was stated. It states that neither persin can do anything with the marriage assets without the consent of the other person....lawyers have their ways of finding things we can't though.

Yes, but when one party systematically made money disappear and now says it’s gone, there’s no getting it back, ever.

Yes, if it happened before the divorce was filed & served that would make sense.

However much it may have been, it’s worth my sanity. Here, I am telling my h how I am traumatized over the screw job over money that went on in my family causing my father’s death, and pleading with my h not to mistreat me that way. He was such a wolf in sheep’s clothing. My “paranoid” suspicions were right. Here he has me convinced I have every MI known to man and doesn’t care if I kill myself while he passive aggressively drives me off the deep end while he STEALS! I have to just laugh now and be happy I survived this.

Looking back & seeing the reality of the marriage dynamics is ALWAYS an eye opener....I am experiencing that also....things I am experiencing now remind me of things that went on in the marriage. In my case whether intentional or not I totally now understand where ALL my anxiety came from & why the depression hit so bad....while he was such a NICE guy to take me to the hospital when necessary. It wouldn't have been necessary if it wasn't for him in the first place.

I can definitely feel for you & what you are saying

This relationship went from ‘maybe we can have a post nup and work through this’ to ‘I don’t want to have anything to do with him’ really quickly.

I don't know about you, but behaviors I am experiencing NOW (in the divorce process) are sure bringing back memories of them existing throughout the marriage that actually was causing me to continously feel the same anxiety it is bringing out now. Makes me realize just how BAD it was all those years even with some good things mixed in but I also realize those good things had NOTHING to do with him but were the fun things I got to do & places I went because we pooled the salaries so we could go places I arranged to go & see. He usually just tagged along (meaning no part in the planning process)

Most times divorces end in a very adversarial way especially when one takes a "I'm not giving you that"attitude.

My heart is totally with you through this. I understand & completely relate to what you are experiencing.

Just so long as it doesn’t end like The War of the Roses

Lol....that's why I am thankful to have 2100 miles between us in my case. A friend from my ballroom dance group stopped by the other evening to find out how I was doing because I haven't been to dance all year....he was the one who recommended my Ky Lawyer from his personal bad divorce experience. He jokingly asked if I wanted him to be my HIT MAN because it would save all the battling.

Ah, red neck guys are always great friends to have. Lol....my horse vet in Calif. asked me if I wanted a "hit man" for the home care person who I caught abusing my mom when she was dying if cancer. Needless to say I wouldn't but sometimes the thought is tempting when so much anger & frustration gets raised.

It’s scary as hell because you don’t know if your ex could be plotting your demise. Nobody likes parting with their money and stuff.

Both lawyers I hired are known for their tough negotiating stands & known as ones you don't want to be on the other side of.

The actual outcome is scary because it is so unknown but if you have the stronger lawyer the advantage is on your side.

Yes, 2100 miles distance serves as a safe buffer personally but all my marriage assets & still personal things left behind are all things he could get even with.

These guys thinking can be like lose cannons. Offensive & defensive moves required.

After going through all the "I'm not giving you this or that" I am letting the lawyer demand at this point & if it comes to having to go to court & having the judge determine the division.....it will cost the H his gambling money or whatever he has been throwing his miney away on. I doubt the judge will be too sympathetic given his track record & my outstanding lawyer.....let the H continue to be stupid I am sure it won't pay off in the end. When I get this fed up I just give my lawyer permission to go for the throat.

In my case I know any plotting on his part will only be refusing to agree...which will only end up costing him more & I know they can garnish his income given his track record of never paying his bills. If it comes to that....the judge will be the final say. I have kept ALL the finances since I moved here to counter any lying claims he may make because I NEVER trusted him.

How do I put on my dating profile that my favorite things are The ID Channel, the last book I read is The Verbally Abusive Relationship, and my hobby is being a forum rat on PC??? No one will want to date me. Lol

This too shall pass when you start your new life & no longer have needs for those interests (well I hope you still stay here as a forum rat on PC).

I honestly wouldn't start dating until you have time to settle into your unmarried mind set that takes awhile. One needs to un-relationship before they are REALLY ready for a relationship again after a longer marriage. Honestly I like not dating but just having friends to do things with after having such a bad marriage that is just being validated in the divorce. Lack of trust in a bad marriage carries over into new relationships if time to process it hasn't occured.

Just beware because lol....listing those things as your interests reflects where your mind still is.

Like I said.....this phase too shall pass.