Full Speed Ahead

I deleted it. You’re right, I’m not ready.

I’m all alone this week. The kids went away with my h. I don’t feel any different than when I’m not alone. I am not freaking out. I am quite content. Nothing is different really.

I scared myself reading about BPD, thinking I have it. I am not terrified of abandonment and being alone at all.

One doctor diagnosed MDD. Do I have MDD? I don’t think so.

One “ EDD. I’m not too sure about that one, either.

Another one “ Borderline traits... I was literally banging my head from frustration from this exasperating man. Did that make me borderline? Not so sure.

OCD, self diagnosed is definitely correct; compulsive counting, typing. But it’s mild and doesn’t bother me.

The most correct was probably the doctor who diagnosed PTSD. But, since seeing him, the “attacks” got worse and became hysteria and dissociation. In fact, they weren’t even attacks at that level when I saw him. He said it due to my father’s death and my recurring dreams about the house. The relationship with my h turned into true trauma for me after seeing all those well-meaning(?) doctors.

He is just unbelievable. He calls and says he wants to meet up and celebrate our anniversary together and not get divorced. I told him to stop playing games with me (“you miserable MF”). “I can never trust you again. You are not trustworthy. After I pleaded with you not to hurt me over dishonesty with money and you did it anyway. We are getting divorced and it’s almost final. Thanks for upsetting me.” He just says, “I did a bad thing.”

I’ve had too much experience by now with people who don’t respect me and try to take advantage of me or use me for whatever reason. I can’t be used any more!

So sorry your almost ex is playing these games with you. Maybe he has the same thoughts as my H expressed 11 years ago. He fought getting divorved all those 33 years BECAUSE "I didn't want to look like a loser" who knows what goes through their crazy thinking.

No contact except through the lawyer is usually the best thing at this point.

My H never said he was sorry either. I understand NOW that he truly believes that the things he did (& does) weren't wrong. He STILL believes that but I get that through what he tells others. I have NO CONTACT because I DEMANDED everything be in writing. No communicating any other way. I changed my phone number when I finally got a smart phone a few years ago....never allowed my daughter to give it to him after he abused the other one & gave my number when he was buying a car. They never called me before or I would have told them. They called me when he wouldn't respond to collections. Some men just have no common sense & I will never consider a guy with NO COMMON SENSE.

I’m by myself walking around beautiful gardens. It’s great for depression. Walk, think, ponder while seeing all the beauty. Not coping in harmful ways. Quite proud of myself for being so independent. I’m not unhappy alone. It’s far better than being with someone who brings out the worst in me.

I met with a friend from college. Her wonderful husband, who is 25 years older than her, cheated sexually and financially and she is estranged now due to money.

There’s no way either of us could naively trust a partner again. So heartbreaking is the dishonesty even more than the dysfunction

I saw a flyer for an 80’s dance party tonight. I’m going by myself.

Enjoy the dance. I enjoy doing so much alone (so much better than what was)....turns out while doing things alone one can find others with common interests.

Walking around my new town when I first moved here I found so many with common interests & that was how I got so involved in the community so quickly.

I had never lived alone in 54 years of my life. I had no idea if I could make it or not though I was always independent.....it was such an awesome feeling of freedom. I knew then I could NEVER go back to what I had even if it came to my own farm. That feeling of FREEDOM FROM the stress, fighting & just feeling miserable most if the time...IS PRICELESS.

I kinda think that is why the H is being such a jerk with the divorce. I think he thought I couldn't make it without him & would come crawling back. Instead he lost the home & is a complete failure financially while I have SURVIVED WELL & LOVING my life for the first time.....while my horse trainer says he is depressed. Go figure, roles reversed.

I am glad you are feeling good about & in your new environment.

The therapist telling me I never would have been happy with anybody, and accepting that my heart is a bottomless pit that can never be filled is rather liberating. I picked myself up and will enjoy my remaining time on earth without all the bs.

I’m back from the trip by myself. Everybody says they are impressed I had the guts to go and the good attitude to go.

I’m just living moment by moment. I’m so devastated I feel like I want to just disappear, but I can’t, so I have to live and make the best of it.

I did enjoy my own company and experiences. My gf said since she is a middle-aged woman, she is invisible. So, I imagined myself invisible and then didn’t feel awkward alone.

However, I was NOT so invisible. I plopped myself down at the bar at the most wonderful place to watch the sunset. A nice man ordered drinks and spoke with me, and he bought me a drink. I really liked his personality. He was so warm and gregarious. I found it very attractive. Here I’m thinking I’ll never be attracted to another man again, but as soon as one is kind to me, I’m a sucker... but a quick meeting was all it was as he was there with family for his sister’s birthday. Still, it made my day.

It’s been five months apart from him now. I had a dream about him last night where he was rubbing up against me to nudge me into sex and it was repulsive to me. When we broke up I thought I was losing my best friend. I don’t feel like that now. After learning he deceived me and hurt me, I feel more traumatized and betrayed. I think about him all the time. I ponder whether I do miss him or not. It’s just traumatic now...25 years that I want to block out.

Know what you mean.

I even started having nightmares when I would find out about things the H was doing. Even though I was separated by 2100 miles the nightmares were alwsys a fight to get away from him because I was financially trapped into not gettjng the divorce unless I wanted to give him everything after 33 years if being together.

The final freedom will be wonderful

Uh oh. He did something kind, rather than fighting in the divorce. I felt a flood of feelings of love and longing for a good marriage WITH him. I didn’t say anything to him about it. I am giving myself time to see how these feelings go. I know if I go back, I will be angry with him in no time and be running away once again. But I put on my wedding ring and am wearing it right now. I want to still feel connected.

It wasn’t even what he agreed to, which was leaving out personal stuff like jewelry out of the divorce and each of us just keeping what we want; he gets his stuff, I get mine. It’s not about the material things. The loving feeling is about that he did what I was hoping he would do. He met my expectations. That is the underlying theme of my whole problem with him. I am overwhelmed with love because he called, like I asked him to, having made a decision about how to proceed over that, and he did the gentlemanly thing and wasn’t a SOB.

He asked me on a dinner date for tonight and I said ok. I guess I’d just like to see if we’ll even have an enjoyable time at a meal alone together.

Of course he’s doing his usual shtick of last ditch effort coming through with the way he should have acted when things were fine instead of neglecting me once he felt he was back in. He only makes effort when his *** is being thrown out. The divorce gavel is hammering down, and he asks me out to dinner.

I’m debating canceling. It’s just a meal. Idk

Just remember the dating scene when they always show ONLY their good side. It's easy to show only the good side when you aren't around 24/7.

Just beware of possible manipulation also.

I had a non-stressful time just this week....but he already KNOWS that there is no getting back together & it is far beyond him not looking like a loser because I left

I did cancel. My son got sick and I stayed home and made chicken soup. Much more important than carrying on the charade with shmuck husband. He had his chance to be good to me when I begged him to.

Hope your son feels better soon.

Dinner would have been awkward or worse anyways. If your husband wants to ask you to dinner when he is your ex then at that point you won't be wondering about his motives. I hope you can eventually be friends but the divorce and some time needs to come and go...

Hope your son feels better soon. I know mom's chicken soup will help.

Probably wise you cancelled anyway