Feel terrible

We weren’t married but I still feel terrible. I was with this guy for 5 months and it was inevitable it would end..I saw a lot of red flags and I should have ended it months ago but I didn’t..he was never that affectionate and claimed this is just how he is. I guess the breadcrumbs on affection kept me around. I was never a priority and I started to notice he is an alcoholic and it’s gotten worse..I can tell he is in a downhill spiral and I don’t want to be dragged down with him. Gets drunk on work nights, during the day, never wants to go out or rarely, etc. He’s a terrible communicator and refers to it as conflict, and I’ve seen a bad personality change..I tried to talk to him this morning and he lashed out. So it escalated to us breaking up. I tried to have a civilized conversation but he ignored my texts and rejected my calls..it felt terrible but if he really cared he would have talked to me. The only thing he ever cares about is going home and drinking until he passes out. He was starting to push me away even

Of course it feels terrible. But its not about him, its about you. You are caught in a relationship repetition compulsion. Were your parents alcoholics or otherwise unavailable? You may be trying to fix the damage caused in your childhood by their abandonment or neglect of your emotional needs. Been there, done that, got a drawerful of tshirts!

You might try Al-anon, acoa, or CEN on this forum, when you are ready to look into why you are doing what you are doing.

Yes my dad was an alcoholic

Wow. I am so sorry. Personally, i think finding a t might be particularly difficult, because who doesnt drink nowadays? I found ACOA very helpful. Listening to other people talk about their really futile, hopeless relationships - i could really identify with them, and also see how hopeless my own situation was.

Remember Marlo Thomas' "Free to be you and me"? That also applies to other peoples right to be wrong - to their right to choose alcohol, and our right to choose not to be with them.

My mother was a gambler, and when i found out my t liked to gamble, i was like, great, now what. So i "analyzed" him, then i let it go, like a preference for Coke over Pepsi. It wasnt a major theme in my therapy. But i keep running into substance abusers.

Well drinking is ok, but it’s all he does..I mean he had nothing going on in his life but work and drinking. Once a week, I’m good

So sorry that your relationship did not work out and that you are feeling terrible GymGirl. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of the relationship. Be patient and kind to yourself. To me, it sounds like your ex-boyfriend may be struggling with depression. That is for him to deal with himself as an adult. It is also not a reflection of you or your worth.

I think an antidote to feeling terrible about losing a partner can be strengthening and honoring the Self. Certainly you need some time to wrap your head around this change. I recommend starting to find ways to make yourself feel good. Hobbies, meditation, music, keeping your home in order or re-arranging it for a new look, time with friends, work or volunteering, a massage, a nice lotion or soft blanket. Helping others is a wonderful way to feel better about ourselves. Exercise (even light walks if you don't feel up to much activity) and being in nature....along with good nutrition and hydration can also do wonders.

If you feel like you are drowning in feeling terrible, I recommend consulting with a kind and experienced therapist. There are folks out there who know how to professionally guide you toward a happier path.

It sounds like you were unhappy with your boyfriend for quite some time so, although the loss is understandably painful, I think this could be a healthy step toward a bright future for you. I wish you peace and hope.

Just remember this isn't "your" failure. This guy has some deep issues that YOU can't fix. You have learned something about this experience and it's best if you sit and consider the red flags you missed and why you stayed as long as you did. You deserve to experience a healthier relationship.

Also, if you look for a therapist, you can always ask the therapist if he/she has issues with alcohol or ever had issues with alcohol. You need to have support for suffering the consequences of this problem and that means experiencing a therapist who focuses on that. If you go to alanon meetings or Acoa meetings and listen and get to know people there better, often that can lead to someone sharing the therapist they use that helps them.

You deserve better than just the crumbs you get handed.

I just started seeing my therapist yesterday. She told me to get rid of him

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Gymgirl71! I understand why you feel hurt! I completely agree with what all the othe great, wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! I'd suggest you to listen to them as much as you can if you want to! They always give such great advice to everyone! You WILL get over this relationshib, but you need to give it time! Just remember to take all the time you need! Just take things one step at the time! Just take baby step! Remember that there's no need to hurry! I'd also sugges tto see a therapist as well if you can! Maybe that could help! You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings! Don't worry, I'm sure that you WILL be able to find someone else that will truly love you and appreciate you for who you truly are! Please try to hang on to that! You ARE important and you MATTER! You're WORTH IT! You deserve MUCH, MUCH BETTER than him! Don't worry, you WILL feel better at some point! I promise you that! Sending many hugs to you, Gymgirl71!

I see my therapist week after next. I am having a hard time move past this and I’m really taking this breakup harder than I should. I got attached too fast before I knew what kind of person he was

Hang in there. For the next week or two get yourself very busy. Whatever you can get busy with, gym, take a class, work, see family etc It would keep
You from wanting to call him

I spent time on emotional support chat on PC on two occasions. Like literally almost the entire day. It really helped to take mind off whatever was bothering me. Try it

I will..I am not going to call text or email..he isn’t going to reply and it will just send me over the edge

It sounds to me like you handled this situation very well. You may have initially overlooked the red flags because you wanted this so badly. I think most all of us tend to do this.

5 months seems like the healthy amount of time to let those warnings add up and end it like you did.

Two of my addicts never said they loved me. They were honest. And I kept hanging on in desperation that they would fall, pathetically too long.

Yours said it but then didn’t show it.

My break up style is to not contact him. Why would someone contact someone to tell them they don’t want to see them again? If he called me again, I would tell him it’s over and why.

I agree it gives them satisfaction if you contact them. So I wouldn’t. But whatever makes you feel good is what you should do. This guy has been a creep. He really doesn’t deserve much kindness. I’m against blocking though unless he’s harassing you.

Great job figuring this out so quickly and moving on to healthy!

I think people with an addiction are mean spirited in general. He said our personalities don’t mix well. Guess not, being I am not a cruel person lol...he hid it well, but it’s been coming out more as his drinking habits became more evident.

Most, in general, maybe. They certainly are very selfish and mean when they hurt the ones they say they love. There’s an expression someone has a ‘monkey on their back’ referring to an addiction. It’s like the addiction causes you to be so mean because feeding it takes priority.

I found this one guy I knew to be a sweetheart. Except for the mind games he played with me to appear and then disappear.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71 I think people with an addiction are mean spirited in general. He said our personalities don’t mix well. Guess not, being I am not a cruel person lol...he hid it well, but it’s been coming out more as his drinking habits became more evident.

I think people with an untreated addiction could be mean spirited-but I do not believe people in general with an addiction are more mean spirited than anyone else.

Having been on the receiving end, i too have thought addicted just means "rotten personality". But maybe its more like a tooth - any tooth, if prodded enough below the surface, will give off sparks. (Why) do we feel entitled to poke at another persons addiction? P.s. That we are "just trying to help" is not acceptable as an answer!

Yes....he has something of mine and I thought I should wait and I’m not prepared to see him, but it’s just delaying moving on. I am going to show him that I don’t give a crap and I’ve moved on. Won’t give him the satisfaction of tears.

Great attitude! You have so much support from us here on PC. Hope that helps!

Ps. if you do cry, there's no shame in that. Tears are the body's release during tense times.

I just don’t get why I miss this bozo 🤡 he is a total creep. I have not reached out except when I told him he can bring my things..

Humans are wired to attach from the moment we are born. Premature infants do not grow and thrive as well if they do not receive at least some physical touch while in the NICU. Our need for attachment still remains in adulthood.

Sometimes attachment is healthy and sometimes it's not (based on attachment styles we learned from our parents). You have indicated that your attachment to your ex-bf was unhealthy but it was still an attachment...not something you could just switch off as soon as the relationship ended. You need time and support to work through this loss and pain. I think you are being really tough on yourself. I have a feeling you'd be more understanding and kinder to another woman in a similar situation than you are toward yourself. That may be worth thinking about.

Yes I am usually hard on myself

Could you arrange someone to pick your stuff from him? Or can he drop it by your house when you aren’t there? I’d not want to meet him

It’s doubtful. I live in a secured apartment building so he can’t get in without me letting him in. It’s ok, I’m planning on losing weight anyways so the coat will be replaced. Plus it was from an ex also. My therapist told me to just get a new one and not to see him. It will disrupt my healing process

I agree with your therapist. Sounds like it is time to move on from him.