Divorcing in my late twenties

It sounds like in the past when he was doing well and spent so much money that there really was not an "us" but more of "I am and My world" and my ego. And he was still very young yet too. Losing all the power can be especially hard on someone so young in that often there is no real maturity to emotionally handle that kind of loss. It sounds like he is emotionally devastated. This has been an extreme hit to his ego and he doesn’t know how to handle it. So he is distancing and sulking and angry.

His behavior in having to state what he did do and desire you to feel guilt that you can’t cover his expenses is reflecting his own anger and resentment and ego and isn’t about you. He is divorcing himself from the loss and there is no we in this. He doesn’t have the maturity for that and instead he is choosing to distance from any reminders including you. He is much too angry and that is what his responses are saying about him.

First off, I'm sorry you're going through this emotionally. Divorce is a tough road. Hang in there. Be kind to yourself.

I hate to raise the issue, but from a practical standpoint, perhaps it's time to get hard-headed. If he's running up charges on the credit card, screw mediaton -- you'll essentially be using his attorney in this arrangement. Feeling guilt about, or questioning the past is nice, but you have to take care of your own interests. It's probably time to seek out your own attorney.

When we're emtionally vulnerable, it's sometimes hard to see how our own long-term interests factor into a situation. I'm not suggesting that things have to get contentious or vindictive, it's just that finances are business. I'm sure you had to consult attorneys for some of the business deals you were involved in in the past, so try to look at the financial picture as taking care of business.

Wow. Sorry. I don't generally give "in-your-face" advice like this, but my former wife is a divorce attorney. That's what she would tell you, & I had to seriously run for cover during my divorce. It's not personal...it's just business.

It can be very traumatic when there is success like what you describe at a young age if that level of success is lost. He can’t see that he is still young and can work towards a new level of success. He doesn’t see what he still has despite the loss either. Instead he is bathing in anger and resentment. He should realize that he had a home that most his age can’t have and he furnished it with things many his age can’t even imagine. All he is seeing is the bad and wanting to distance from it.

Hi @openeyes, thanks for the insight. I do agree that the failed business and becoming dependent on my income has affected him. He did go through a depression stage for a while, but when he returned to school I felt things were looking up. And I genuinely didn’t feel that it affected our relationship, but after your posts I am thinking his personal feelings obviously in same way impact our relationship. I always thought if we can get through this we can get through anything, so it makes me so sad that after the last few years and some of the challenges we did preserve that in the end we are still heading for a divorce.

He was really patient and kind when I met him, and when he started doing well he definitely developed an ego. But afterwards I truly felt the failures brought him back to the ground. He used to always say people shouldn’t get too successful at a young age because it goes to your head. The challenges he faced seemed to humble him and I was grateful that everything happened the way it did. I assumed we would eventually work our way back to where we were and would this time be more grateful.

But instead somewhere things took a turn. I know we’ve had issues throughout the relationship, but doesn’t everyone? I keep going back in time even six months ago. We took a road trip and it was so wonderful and we had many romantic moments and he made so many promises for the future. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that only a half year later this is where we stand. I feel like he chose to only remember the bad and keeps trying to make me seem like I’m the worst person in the world. He does this in small ways like with the credit card, by saying things like “I’m shocked you’re acting this way after I haven’t reserved a penny for you”.

And I already feel bad for asking him to help pay and messages like that just make me want to jump off a cliff. He always seems to do that somehow make me feel like I’m the bad guy in every situation.

You are not the bad guy in every situation, regardless of what feelings he plants in you.

I am sorry that you are facing this challenge and his behaviors have made you question your worth to the point of experiencing wanting to jump off a cliff. It sounds like he went from being in shock, to being in denial that things can be better to now being in the resentment and anger stage. We can say wise things as he had said, but unfortunately, that success did affect his ego and he was traumatized by the loss he experienced. We can often have the ability to be rational, yet, at the same time not be prepared for the gravity of the emotional affect a substantial loss can have. It's like being able to watch a movie showing loss and what it means and being able to rationalize it because it's someone else experiencing it. It's a very different story when one actually experiences it themselves. This has traumatized him and a major loss can have a really unexpected affect on someone.

Covid has damaged many people in significant ways for example, the mental health devastation has been substantial, so much so that there is a lot of confusion and a desire to find ways to allow businesses to open up again. Some people are able to thrive, but many are seeing what they had is slowly being destroyed. And it's been reeking havoc on marriages, there has been a substancial increase in divorce in the past year. For myself, what I did for my business was not allowed and yet I had financial responsiblities. Lots of people struggling out there and so many affected no matter what age a person is. If your husband has gone back for more education, a lot of that is happening remotely and they are finding out that is not working and many are not doing very well learning that way. It's definitely been bringing out the worst in many.

I am very sorry as your husband doesn't have the maturity to understand how to deal with all these challenges. He is trying to escape all the emotions he is experiencing and he doesn't even know how to articulate them. It tends to just come out in anger when that happens.

Do your best to try not to absorb and take his anger on where you feel you failed. When someone gets like this, it's something THEY need to get help for and work through. Your husband should be seeing a therapist to help him work through all of this. Often someone doesn't do that and insists on doing it themself and often feel no one can help them. This is not your fault, you did not fail.

Hi @openeyes thanks for saying that, I didn't realize how much I needed to hear it. I still can't help but wish things were different. But I am started to realize that there's nothing I can do anymore, and my only choice is to try to move on.

I am not one to tell someone to divorce. I prefer to listen and give my opinion based on life experience and lots of reading and discussion.

If your husband doesn’t want to communicate and get help, you can’t make him. He has to want to recover in himself and his marriage/relationship with you.

Since your husband isn’t the one posting on here I don’t want to make this about his needs and how to accommodate him the best. I am very concerned about YOU being in potentially bad financial situation with him not paying bills and wanting you to pay his credit card as he is planning to end the marriage. Him getting his teeth done and buying furnishing for his parents and expecting you to pay for it while he is planning to divorce you is a very bad sign. It is potentially scary.

When you meet with mediator, make sure you address this situation with you potentially being stuck with all bills. Separating finances immediately and possibly legal separation might be the first course of action to protect you financially.. Definitely bring it up on Thursday. Love is all good and dandy and no one wants to be a bad guy but you don’t want to be stuck with debt and be in a financial ruin. Sadly it looks like it might be heading that way if he continues on this path. Good luck on Thursday

Your life journey just begins, sis. Sometimes we convenience ourselves that "this person is my one and only" but it's not the person it's the "surroundings". something that comes along with this person (like friends/work/hobby etc).
I believe you will find someone, life is not over. Now you are very experienced in relationships so it will be much easier to build new one
Never give up

You sound very confused and even worried about your husband. I understand you care. However, at the same time you do have to make sure he is not causing further damage to what you have left including maintaining your credit. And he should not be using the credit card and decide not to pay the payments either. He is being irresponsible and is taking his anger out on you. That is unhealthy for you.

The reason I spent time on him was to help YOU see things more clearly so you could make the right decisions for YOURSELF. You need to focus on what is there that is worth saving, he isn't doing that but is instead sulking and running away from responsiblities. And he is taking his anger out on you. He is acting very immature. You don't need that to destroy what you have left, it's worth saving.

@divine1966 Thank you for responding. It's helpful to hear from other people because at this point it's so hard to know what is the right thing to do anymore.

@LiamW thanks for saying that. It's true, I do feel like my life is falling apart and can't imagine living without having him in it. But hopefully the longer we are separated the easier this will get. When I'm ready one day to move on I will certainly take the many lessons I learned in this relationship to hopefully become a better partner.

@openeyes You've been so interactive and helpful during this trying time. All your posts have not only helped me see things from a different perspective but also made me realize that I need to find a way to move on. I barely got out of bed last week, and this week I'm starting to force myself to return back to "normal" life. I think it's been so difficult for me in part because it seems like this is easy for him, maybe he's also struggling, but he is better able to hide it.

It's also hurtful that he dropped our relationship so quickly and confidently after ten years and so many good memories. Everyone around me is shocked, my family and our friends keep saying they think we will get back together. But these false hopes and other people being as surprised as me is why it's so hard for me to wrap my mind around this. I know he's not cheating on me, so that means he left me because he doesn't love me. And that is really hard to accept. It has made me feel like maybe I was a bad partner, maybe I didn't pay enough attention to him, or didn't catch the signs of him slipping away sooner. And I spent all week beating myself up for ruining our relationship, without even knowing what I did wrong because he has been ignoring me. But your messages and wisdom have made me realize, although I may have played a part, it's also possible that he is struggling internally. He's not a communicative man, and definitely doesn't know how to talk about his feelings. So maybe it's not my fault, or at least not fully. And I can't force someone to love me, even if I love them, so the only thing I can do for myself is try to move on. And hopefully one day I'll find someone who thinks I'm worth fighting for.

Communication is a very important part of relationships. It’s something we all learn over time. I think you have been the one trying to do that for both of you. Please don’t see this challenge as your fault. You don’t deserve to beat yourself up and overwhelm yourself emotionally. It doesn’t even have anything to do with you being worthy of love. Ten years so you were just 18 and him 17. No experience with other relationships.

He broke and is showing how immature he really is not your fault. Yet as I mentioned, don’t circle the drain. Get up and save what you have and be firm about him paying the bills he creates. Don’t let him brow beat you. You own an interest in what is there.

I think it’s a good idea to buy him out. Look into that get help to preserve what’s rightfully yours.

I believe in you, sis! "Happily ever after" is going to happen to you soon, I just feel it

Thanks @LiamW that means a lot