[campuslow]

I am coming up on 5 years of marriage and 7 years of dating my wife. I am 45 years of age. I have a job that I like a great deal. She and I are in the same line of work. She has been diagnosed with OCD (major), Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety, PTSD and Depression. She's great about packing lunches and handling my food things for me, she doesn't cheat, she lives a clean life, hard working. Her friends love her, her huge family loves her.


The challenges are:
* Everything has to be her way. She's very rigid.
* She's very knee-jerky kind of person. I am deep thinker and if I ask her a question, I often get impulsive, shallow responses.

* She struggles with being honest. If I ask her a question, she lies about 80% of the time.
* She's apathetic when it comes to emotions. Her affect is often flat and she speaks very monotone and looks to be devoid of emotion.

* She does not consider me. I can't tell you the amount of scenarios in which she forces things to go her way without thinking about how things impact me. When I say something, she apologizes, says she will change and does it again.

* She dislikes my son. My son is wayward to say the least. She has good reason not to like him but he's still my son. My son has moved out to live with his mother largely because of his dislike for her and he says she's not good for me.

* When I am depressed, she often looks at me without emotion and sometimes ignores me.

* We sleep in separate rooms for over 3 years and we have a sexless relationship over the last month.

* I have choosen to detach from her emotionally, I don't like her touching me, I don't touch her. When I try and be the opposite so that I can make the relationship better, I just feel so empty and sad inside because she's so comulsive, hurtful, insconsiderate, shallow.

I am with her because I don't like the idea of her being with someone else and because I have no friends. The one friend I have only sees me on his terms. I have to go to his house to see him. If I don't, we don't spend time.


I hate my life, I have tried ssri's and other prescrptions but the side effects are too problamatic. My job is the only thing work living for. I consider myself a recovering codependent. I ask her to be nice to me and she responds with a robotic, flat look.


When we used to have sex she would walk in the bedrooms with two face clothes, she would bend over and make no sounds or contact with me. She tells me instructions of how she wants me to have intercourse with her. When I finish, she tosses me a face cloth takes one for herself and then goes and wash. When she is done washing, she asks me if she needs anything then she goes in her room and sleeps.


I want to leave so bad I just have nothing else to live for. We have a weekday routine of dinner together, talk about work and watch a show. She also helps me with ideas at my job. The weekends, we usually run errands, buy things, go out to eat. I am starting to ramble. I want out of this marriage so bad I just have nothing on the other side. I tried making friends and it doesn't work. I am black living in a very white place. I am not saying people are racist, I am saying I don't have much in common with people or I just get in my head. Plus it's hard for guys in their mid 40s to make friends with each other. When I talk to people my mind races with bad thoughts, and self-conscious thoughts so much that I rather just withdraw and go inward. I would never kill myself but I wish the pain would end. Helpful suggesitons would be greatly appreciated. I just don't know what to do. I've read countless books, I am incounseling we have tried couples counseling. In couples counseling, she's a different person. She talks about how bad she is and how good I am and how she will change but when counseling is over she's goes back to doing what she always does.

[Yaowen]

Dear campuslow,

I am so very, very sorry you are in such an unhappy situation. It sounds so utterly heartbreaking and I can't even imagine the pain you must go through and have gone through. I wish I had some useful insight or wisdom to share, but sadly I have never been very good at relationships and am pretty much a hermit as a result. So I am really the last person on earth to offer advice. Hopefully others here with greater experience, insight and wisdom will see your post and respond to it with something really helpful to you. It is awful that you are in the situation you describe. It must be so stressful and distressing. So sorry . . . so very sorry I could not be helpful to you.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

[campuslow]

Thank you for empathizing with me, Yaowen. Your words are helpful. I am grateful.

[Samewithme]

Hello Campuslow, I am sorry that you are in your current situation. I don't think I can be much help on the relationship side, as relationships are so complex, so I will leave that to the experts. Plus, as my name suggests, I am having similar problems with relationships. But one thing I think is true, is you need to find an answer. Staying in a toxic relationship will only get worse.
So here is my suggestion for you. I believe in God (not trying to convert you), and the Bible says that God made us to be social creatures. We are most happiest when we are connected to people and to a cause. I think one thing that might bring you more happiness is to connect with other people and/or an organizations. Try joining a gym or a club, at first you might feel awkward, but after seeing the same folks day after day, a friendship might happen. A gym brings additional benefit of exercising which in itself makes people feel accomplished and happy. Or Try volunteering at a non for profit or church. Again, awkward at first but after a while friendships will happen. The nice thing about nonforprofits is that the people who volunteer are usually big hearted people. Another benefit is that when you give your time for a cause, you usually feel better. Lastly, try taking a class or a sport or a club at your local community college. Anything you can do to see people day after day usually helps builds a networks.

I wish you the best and please don't give up.