[PainfulMemories]

Hi. First time here or on any forum. Last week I heard Esther Perel define 'Infidelity' as having 3 components:
1.) Secrecy
2.) Emotional Joy
3.) Sexual Alchemy

Ever since, I have been feeling more depressed. My wife has been minimizing her infidelity and I have felt guilty for not being able to 'get over it'. Its just that I keep obsessing on the pain, the betrayal, the lies.

I dont know if I can stay in the marriage as I just dont trust her. So, I am thinking of a Seperation.

I need time to see if I can get over it, or not.

[Open Eyes]

You have a right to your feelings.

[sarahsweets]

How long have you been Married ? How long ago was the infidelity and how long did it go on ? Have you been in couples counseling?

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[PainfulMemories]

we have been married 35 years. First time it occurred. She didn't give him up, she was caught. She had several opportunities to let him go but she wanted him. But she wanted the security I offer. Once caught, he left. But she has been insensitive and not remorseful. She seems to fit a pattern of narcissistic personality (covert). She is not empathic. I am/was a Therapist, a family attorney, and a pastor. I have always drawn hurting people towards me as I ma a gentle and compassionate soul. What I cant get over is her minimizing of the hurt it caused me. The guy she fell for was a big, tall, young Marine. I am neither of those things. We tried counseling twice, but she doesnt want to talk about the infidelity. She has a temper and if I get pulled in to discuss things, she has very little patience. For me, I understand why she was drawn to it---it made her feel 'alive'. I dont blame her for her choices but I am depressed, I am a romantic person by nature, and I want to believe in true love, but I cant trust her anymore. Even if it never happened again, I am really stuck. She has been a wonderful mother and wife to me for many years. She seems more angry that she was caught than what it did to my self-esteem and mental health. I crave affection but she doesnt 'do' affection; she is very sexual but the romance is destroyed for me. I feel taken for granted and devalued. I wonder if there is someone out there who I would be bale to love and also be valued by. I feel like I need to see a counselor alone -

[Open Eyes]

Some people are very selfish and they tend to be drawn to individuals who are empathetic and kind. It’s their way of assuring they have someone they can use but it’s all about getting THEIR needs met. They don’t want to care about your needs and tend to have little to no desire to admit they were selfish and they can even put the blame on others.

The answer to your question is yes, you can find a woman who can appreciate the kind of man you are. It’s a waste of time to be with a partner who doent respect and value your feelings. It’s not your fault that your wife is selfish. It’s important you empathize with yourself and walk away from her and find a healthier partner.

[TishaBuv]

Hello and welcome to MSF!

I’m sorry you are having to go through this painful experience in your marriage.

Your feelings are completely understandable. You have some tough choices to make.

Her callous attitude and unwillingness to take responsibility and discuss her actions are not a good sign for improvement for your relationship moving forward, as I’m sure you are painfully aware.

[MickeyCheeky]

Welcome! So Sorry for what is happening! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about you having a right to your feelings. Unfortunately things like this can happen and i don't think it is your fault. i'd have suggested couple counseling but from what you worte it seems like she isn't very cooperative. i think seeking counseling for yourself may be a good idea as it does seem like you're going through a lto right now. Take some time for yourself to decide where to go next. i Hope things will Improve soon for everyone and everything. Hugs. Please do not give up. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @PainfulMemories, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!